darkness

um hi. so my last post was on April 26. Which was like months ago. goodness how time flies. I'm gonna just randomly post stuff today. Like I usually do. so please ignore all my grammar mistakes, I know there's always some grammar nazi lurking around. Haha. So I'm in Malaysia now. Since for the past three months.

How does it feel coming home after being somewhere else for such a long time?

Well, it feels like home.

I never tell you guys how I felt when I was at UK. I was too caught up with works and exams and just, well, myself. My mind was full with the present that I didn't actually have time to actually ask myself, "hey faz how're you doin'? doin' good?" because I'm pretty sure if I asked myself that question at that time I will break down into tiny pieces. I will literally just break.

Being at some foreign place was so weird. It was weird. Everything was new. I feel like I was new.

But there's something at foreign places that just made you feel withdrawn. 

I was in the darkness. I was so alone that I feel burdened by myself. Don't get me wrong I'm always alone, I'm used to it. I learned to be independent and do things by myself when I started to get into Intec. I used to eat alone or find some food alone. not when I'm at Intec, usually back when I'm at Kolej. 

But back then at UK, I was alone completely. Like I studied alone, despite having two Malay classmates. I go to class alone. I sit alone. I walked home alone. I did so many things alone and it started to overwhelm me. I was drowning into so many things and I just can't get out. I can't spit it out.

All my housemates were so chatty that sometimes I was drowning in their voices. I don't know when to find the right timing to step in. To tell them my stories. And I'm not the kind of person to just call my parents or my siblings and tell them 'hey I think I'm dying here' because I'm not the kind of person who likes to make other people worried about me.

I was partially depressed I guess. But I held it in.

Studying was okay, which is total bullshit because whenever I did my assignment it seems like I never study a thing. Not that I study really well anyway. 

Psychology was totally different that what I thought which basically makes me feel like I've got a punch right on mah face. I feel like I learned a little bit of medic.

Bottom line is, I'm a baby. I'm so spoiled. I love listening to people but I also feel the need to tell someone my day once in a while. Telling face to face. I need real contact, eyes to eyes and just tell someone my day. which I can't do easily. It feels like I'm stuck inside myself. And that ladies and gentlemen feels like hell. And annoying as hell.

How was my final? Well just okay.

I feel happy when I heard my friends back here at home excel. Honestly I'm glad. I feel happy for them.

And I also feel hollow in me.

It's like this simultaneous feelings that come and go hand in hand. I can't help it. 

And then I feel all lonely again when I heard all of them telling their own part of the story. which I can't really relate. And when they can't relate my part of stories too.

I'm going home in less than 22 days. 

And I started to feel the darkness rising in me.

Trying to engulf me whole.