few more days.

I'm counting days,

We're almost there.

Cuak tak cuak? Cuak gila kot. Aku tak rasa aku dah masuk mood crook. I can see the flow. But I'm still keeping something. Maybe sebab semua benda ni baru lagi. Aku bukan jenis open. Aku tak senang nak act. I need time, I have my own pace. Tapi tak bermaksud aku takkan bagi aku punya all out. Perhaps when the time comes, with the right pressure, I'll give you my all you've never been able to see before.

less than berapa hari je weh.

Hati aku dah melayang kat memana ni.

Seram sejuk.

Aku tak pernah pikir nak menang ke kalah. Aku cuma pikir apa aku buat ni tajdid niat dia lillahitaalah. Semua sebab Dia. Menang kalah tu adat. Yang aku tau aku nak bagi everything.

walaupun nampak everything aku sekarang still tak berapa nak everything lagi.

tapi percayalah aku tengah cuba.

Allahu,

permudahkanlah.

Big Wall of China

Assalamualaikum everyone.

Good Lord I'm tired.

I went back to JB yesterday morning, and now I'm here back at Shah Alam.

Yes.

I know.

It's tiring and unworthy but who the hell cares.

All I want is to meet my parents before I continue my journey to somewhere far.

Even if it's just Sabah.

Still, I'm crossing ocean people so please, don't judge.

So I managed to buy a few books while I'm at JB. Talk about being a time thieve. 

I bought five books and use overall rm150 of my book vouchers and no, no academic books at all.

Just me,

and beautifully written papers with colourful and astounding imaginations.

That's all that I would ever spend my money with.

CURRENTLY WITH ME.

I brought Peculiar children with me and left all others at home because I believe there will be no such thing as time to read them, as I don't even do my homework haha badass.

And I'm still happy for my new family of books. There are tonnes more I haven't finish reading yet, but nevermind. I'm still very very happy.

So back to main focus, I wanted to talk about my IELTS SPEAKING TEST.

It went well, sort of.

It just felt like I was meeting with a counsellor, more to say.

At first the examiner, Miss asma said that I was confident and look brightly happy.

But the moment I introduced myself, she said, I was putting up a wall.

Perhaps because I introduced her as me being a not really expressive person, and that I confide into my writing rather than human.

And that all it took for me to realize that maybe after all, 

I do have all these walls built high around me.

That I have this trust issues.

That I have this big walls of china beneath me.

I reckoned this problem a few years ago.

But still, the question now is.

What should I do about this walls?

Should I let it stay magnificently or do I break it down?

Miss Asma: "I believe after our speaking test that you might get hurt during your past, I can feel your emotions when you were speaking. I know that you put up this walls for some reason, and I believe people might find you mysterious and wanted to get to know you more, but honey, sometimes you gotta let them in. Let them see your beauty and get to know you."

One day. Maybe.

:)

A bent metal.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

So here I am today, on the early morning of 12.51 a.m, sitting in my room all alone as my roomate went to her friend's house and sleep there, to do their assignments. I just got back from my training, and found out that my swelling got worsen, I have extra bruise, in a humongous size ever on the same leg.

And suddenly life couldn't get any better :)

As I was growing up I thought I was being, in a way, very tough, like those missile proof kinda girl, the ones that admit that they're strong, and I believe that I am. For my entire existence, until today.

You won't believe on how strong and firm my faith in me, of being this very very strong, unaffected in any way, all-killing-machinery-proof and all. 

And yet now,

I cried most of the time when I met Him.

I don't even know why.

Tell you what, last night I cried infront of His House, during The Call. (As my training is infront of masjid negeri, near Tasik Shah Alam)

Why?

Because I feel weak.

The moment we stopped, or actually take a break from the training, I sit down, on the grass floor, enduring this horrible pain that keeps stabbing me in my mind, like this loud siren that keeps banging on the wall of my brains, telling me that it had enough. That I have to stop please, begging me to stop the pain, but my heart tells me no, as I do not perform well on my part. And as you know, we work as a team, If I do not do this whole heartedly, it will bring down the whole team that gave their all for this. This undeniable responsibility is what kept me going steady.

Still, steady in pain.

So the reason why I cried is because I just realized that I am just this one frail, little human being, that can get hurt, that I should 'feel' the hurt. In order to be human. That perhaps after all this pain, is the reminder that I am only His servant and never going to be more.

That maybe, during that time He was telling me that He was right there all along, calling me to go upon Him, and yet I left Him all alone :'(

He was there watching me, waiting for me, and yet I don't go to Him.

That He was there, as He watches me in despair, and like He was telling me that I am only this frail human being, that needs Him more than I need air.

That He is my everything.

and yet I chose this worldly matters against Him.

And the moment I realized that, on that second, when I was on top of pain and hurt, and frustration of unable to perform, sitting on the grass, 

and it blows hard on my face.

And I believed after that realization, that the pain doubles, more to my heart and my soul, rather to my knees.

I know that we need effort in order to be successful, but often we forget that the One that gives all this wealth and success and everything that happens to exist in this world.

We often forget to ask Him.

We often forget to tell Him that we need Him.

Because all along we had this big ego, saying that we are tough, when we are obviously not.

We forget, that we need to ask Him, to give us the energy, to keep going with our effort.

And now,

I believe that I am not strong.

That I'm never this so-called ironlady.

this is how my mind works before going to sleep I guess

That after all I'm just this bent metal.

A frail, and weak.

Of a human being.

And by admitting this,

I believe that I admit to be His servant.

That I admit, to fully submit,

To the One and Only :)