audacity.

Audacity. Arrogance.

is somehow near to act of ignorance. I think. When people associate those who ignored someone or something as arrogant. As an act of arrogance.

Right.

Somehow I'm in this enigma.

When I'm being myself and people thought of me as being arrogant.

I always tell myself not to care too much on what people are going to say about me.

That it's okay to say no.

But it is still a hard thing to do.

I often hardly decline what other people want me to do.

Which is unhealthy, because in the end I know I need myself to be happy too.

But there is nothing more painful than having people to have bad thoughts about you.

When all you do, is to be yourself.

and this bothers me to pieces. 

It kinda aches.

Ya rabb I have You and I know You know.

This feelings came from You because You are All Knowing.

And so my Lord could you let them know in their hearts that I love them.

That I thanked you everyday for the past days I've cherished with them.

That they are gifts that I adore, that they are experience that I've always longed for.

But my Lord, 

as for you who knows everything, then you must've understand the feelings that came within.

This aching feeling, of doubt and unpleasure.

Also come in place with them.

And so in trade, I had to let them go.

I know some might think that this doesn't make sense.

But I don't need you to make sense out of me.

I need you to believe me. 

Which is funny, because that's the whole reason for all of this.

I am a hard person myself in believing.

Some people might wander why I'm acting like this.

Here I'll tell you why.

I have my trust broken so many times before.

Friends who betrayed me in the end after I showered them love.

Been isolated when I've done nothing wrong.

Bullied by boys.

Been cheated.

I've scarred to many times that I guess now I get a bit bitter.

Because I was hurt for countless numbers of times before.

And I left it in me. I kept it in me.

I never shared it with anybody and show my smile to everyone.

I grew up before time.

And unlike most of people.

I'm more realistic, I'm more bitter.

That right now all I believe is that I have Him.

and anyone else who couldn't cope up with me will eventually leave me.

So I became this little lady,

who will not care if you want to walk away from me.

I'll just see.

I'm lost now.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

I never regain back that confidence to have faith in anyone ever again.

trust me, pain mould you into something you'd never understand.

And in a contradict way it also makes you unfamiliar with your own pain.

You become numb.

And for my case I'm always numb.

But one day if all my feelings come rushing, that's when I know hell break loose.

Even my brother could not handle it when I cried.

My sister could never handle it when I cried.

These two veins of mines will cry together with me if I were to drop in tears.

Because I rarely cry infront of people anymore.

and when I do it'll become unbearable.

I remember my sister saying to me, when I cried to my brother on his shoulder when I failed my result for last sem. That I sobbed so hard because that is the only time I've started to feel again.

And I remember that my brother tell me not to cry because he will start to cry to *comel kan my brother

And that later when my sister came home and I've went back to intec, he told her, "Aku tak boleh tengok adik kau nangis."

Which is also one of the reason why I hated crying.

All my feelings will be dispersed as if emotions were aura.

I'll let them go when I cry.

See, I even have a hard time putting trust into my own family.

God knows how hard it is for me to tell you stories.

unless you're family. unless you're in my bubble wrap.

Even so I never open up my heart.

anymore and I don't know why, and I don't know when I'll open up my heart in believing more people. 

That maybe they'll stay after all.

That everything will become better.

Maybe one day.

Maybe not now.

And I guess it's okay if other people doesn't understand me.

because good Lord I got You.

And You'll understand me :)

And that's all I need.

light

Have you ever felt like a bulb?

A light bulb?

Where you shine everyday and spread your lights.

That's how I felt when I'm happy. That's what I see when people are happy.

They're like this luminous light bulb.

An everlasting light that shine when you smile genuinely.

But lately I felt like my light bulb is getting dimmer.

and I was thinking of writing about arwah atuk here but it'll be a pain I can't endure.

And resulting in me whimpering in sadness in my sleep which I reckoned maybe it can be postponed later.

Whatever it is atuk I always pray that you'll be fine and may He grant you a place within His side.

And that I'll always remember your beautiful smile and your warmness when you tell me in tears to never abandon or go against mama and ayah everytime I shake your hand asking for forgiveness during hari Raya.

And although it breaks my heart cause there's no picture with you during this eid which I never knew how it could happen this way, maybe it was a sign, or maybe it's just the way it is but I'll love you and I might not get to said good bye but it's okay I guess, I get my goodbyes when I kiss you in your sleep before I went on my bus to shah alam. Perhaps that too, was a sign. who knows?

I don't know what aches.

I don't know what strangled the oesophagus.

But what I know this feeling is killing me away.

That maybe my light bulb is getting dimmer. And maybe that's just for a while or maybe it'll be long but I don't know and what I know is that my light is slipping away.

Maybe because mama was sick.

And she's in more pain now that atuk's gone.

And that my aunty with two little child is being abandoned by her husband.

and that my grandma lost his husband, the one she's been with almost more than half her life.

And abang a thousand miles away.

Maybe the reason I am losing my light is because my own light is in pain.

My family is in pain. And that means I'm also in pain, because their blood runs in my veins.

Their pain is in fact my pain *exaggerating or not

But also I believe that pain came with endless lesson.

That everything that can't kill you makes you stronger.

That the reason He test you is because He loves you and He have faith in you.

And so I believe that all this turbulent and storm was just a minor suffering we have to go through.

I mean masya Allah, His jannah worth all these sufferings.

He himself worth all this sufferings.

And because I'm hundreds miles away from my family,

I only ask You my Lord,

to take care of them like how they took care of me.

And give them strength in all your trials.

So that they'll be happy.

And I'll be happy.

So that we can all shine again together.

So that my lights can shine again together.

And brighter.

Insha Allah :)

of love.

Tonight is the night when I crave for words.

When I wanted to pour my emotions into syllabus.

Tonight is my night.

Tonight is when I wanted to talk about feelings and emotions.

Of love.

I am a lovable person I guess. And so does everyone else.

I mean I love love. They're... if to be describe are like this fluffy feelings that keeps you floating.

And in general I guess I am loved, so by people around me and I thanked him everyday for that.

I just wanted to say that I've never experienced that feeling when you lost the one that you love.

And I never know how I will deal with that in the future.

I have endured failures.

I have endured bullying.

I have endured public humiliation.

I have endured people lying to me when they said they love me.

But I have never been in the situation where I will lost my loved ones.

And I never wanted to be in.

But that is not my choice.

In fact it is not a choice.

I have to went through with it someday.

No matter what.

So what trigger tonight's topic? Nothing technically just having a walkdown memory lane.

One of the reasons I have this huge humongous ego when it comes to loving someone, is probably because I was bullied when I was a kid, into maybe, idk having trust issues with guys? maybe. But mostly because I have my trust crumpled before by a guy who technically saying that he liked me and at the same time liked my best friend too.

Which is confusing and also crushing down someone's self esteem which is to say is me.

Hence technically proved at that time that a guy's love is very very deceiving.

and over time, yes. 

It is proven upon my eyes.

But also over time I kind of learn to know humans behaviour.

And despite my age, I have tried to understand most of people situations and try to fit in their shoes.

TRY. not literally fit in.

so over time I learned that maybe guys are somehow, indecisive.

that they like to keep their options open.

That somehow this is their nature.

But it goes totally the opposite way to me as I believe love, in it's own nature is one.

And that is why we have only one heart and not two nor three.

So I believe in a complete monopoly of the one that you love.

so technically I have to understand both and adapt into it. And so I did.

But also that makes me believe, or more accurately, strengthen my believe to not trust any guy until he is THE ONE.

Which is basically why I am heartless in a way now.

but that's just the side stories.

Here's the real deal.

My grandpa is sick.

Before this he is sick too, he had a stroke. Which is mild, cause he can still move, but hardly can move 100% of his left parts but yes he can still walk around.

But lately after my brother left for US, he got sicker day by day.

My grandpa couldn't walk and so he is weaker.

And nothing can break my heart seeing him like that.

And I don't know if this makes me a bad person but I have readied myself for the worst to come.

It aches, but the thought or the idea is there.

I just want to say that I'm not that heartless.

This heartless girl is basically just a girl who were once hurt.

But she's not heartless, she's just cautious.

If I'm heartless, I wouldn't feel so much pain right now leaving my family behind.

Watching my mom cried every time I have to go back here at intec.

It kills me.

IT LITERALLY KILLED ME.

I died a thousand time over when I see her cried.

and after all this incidents that happen in my life I realized there's much more to love that just about monopoly or between a guy or a girl.

Love is just......

love.

Your soul picked the one you love.

Your soul adapt to it.

Your soul become one.

And to have some parts of your soul leave you, how would that feel?

I think it will feels as if your soul being ripped apart.

So here I hope you can make a dua for my grandpa and my mama.

For both to be healthy soon.

And for me to be stronger too :)

Thankyou.