it's been a while

Yeah.

Well usually I have things to say.

You know usually I know what to say. I know what you're going to say. I know how to adapt, I know how to blend in, I know how to make do of whatever I have.

I'm flexible and bendable. 

I wanted to become flexible.

I wanted to adapt, and blend in and become that cool person.

and now I just don't know what I am anymore.

You know those things people say for your characteristic for the month you were born in?

Well I'm a june baby and they said june babies are the most serious, and I laugh.

I mean man, which part in me is serious I don't even do homeworks and my A2 is just months away.

But,

Maybe, just maybe.

I am.

Now I started to feel so tired to keep up with conversations.

So tired to tell anyone about how I feel.

So tired of thinking that maybe someone would give a damn.

Because I'm so serious about my walls.

God, honestly; I'm so tired behind all this walls,

But where do I go?

Solitude

What kind of solitude is solitude? What kind of being alone makes you alone? Does being alone means you have to get away from any form of civilization and live in a deserted island? If that is a sole meaning of loneliness or alone-ness, then what about late night thoughts in the dark where you're in the room with god I don't know put in 5 people, would that also be considered alone, solitude? I mean aren't we the only one that can hear our own thoughts? Doesn't that mean every questions you have at this time are standing on it's own without anyone to back it up?

Can people hear your mind? Can people see a glimpse of your soul? What kind of alone makes you alone?

Seriously though you can have 4000 friends on real-life face to face knowing them and still be living a solitude life. How do we run a solitude life though? I don't know honestly, I have no idea the degree of silence of emptiness you have to get through just to deserve the title of a lone ranger, living a solitude life.

Trust me I have no idea to what extent that would be.

But all I know right now, is that we are all living a solitude life. Don't get me wrong though, humans establish their lives based on communications. Without communications or interactions to another human being or a soul, there will be no foundation. There will hardly be any life. God, one could go crazy not speaking to anybody for such a long time.  The pain and suffering would be indescribable.

So you see we humans have this hole I guess, that can be filled and left empty. From time to time we fill it with something, anything. But you see, sometimes we also need to left it empty, let it have a space, let it breath.

This space is solitude. Some time for you. And just you. Not for anyone else. Sometimes I feel this hole that we need to left empty is for you and The One.

Just for you and The One.

And no matter how lonely others sees you, it's a shame because they can't see that this fortress of loneliness you built so high up, is just a mask.

Hiding this beautiful content feelings that wrapped you like a soft cloudy cotton-candy-ish around your body. So soft and so warm.

God and the best part is, only YOU can feel it.