A writer

The key to be a writer is to write. There's no other way, there's no other crossroad to run away. There's only this one path and it is to write. Simply, start writing.

Let me be honest with myself here. 

I am so happy when I'm writing, I feel so blessed, god I can't even put it into words but writing for me 

are not only some form of escapism. It's more. It's easy. You know how you struggle maths and science and explaining yourself to people sometimes? I mean yeah I struggle. I struggle so hard that it started to make me feel tired but nevertheless I never give up. But that was that, the struggle.

But then I started writing. And it's easy because I doesn't have to struggle. It's not a battle royale for me to put on words  on my thoughts. It's like breathing, it's easy, and it keeps you alive. I don't know how I shall explain, but I guess there's this different type of writers.

There's a witty writer, where someone writes and left an impact in your life, makes you think, makes you wonder. And then, there's this writer that is full of knowledge, they led you on information and current issues, they make everything feel more worthwhile, while of course reading their piece. Because you gain something you can use later.

And then there's me. 

A normal writer by heart. 

Here's a confession at 1 am in the morning. As much giddy as I am, and fun and hectic and lovely and funny and sometimes seems to be like a wild card, I on the other hand, is someone having a very hard time to express myself. If I'm angry or sad or tired or annoyed, I find it hard for me to express myself. 

But writing makes it easier.

I mean I can write all this thing hence all my previous post is emotional damn emotional I bet, but that's it.

I can only be emotional when I write. I can only express my emotions when I write. Because whenever I write things down, I feel like I've talked to someone although I never did. Of course some people read my blog but it's not a conversation. It's just me, I'm letting you to know me through my writing. (Which is mostly on my blog because I'm a fast typewriter and lazy handwriter) I always thought that I want to be a writer because I believed that I'm good at it, but truth is I'm not.

I'm not a good writer.

Albeit all this motivation I get from my friends and family and teachers.

I'm not.

Seriously. God, I'm far from it guys.

Way far from it.

And only now that I realized this. That I'm not that good, I mean I know that from the beggining but I had hopes that I can be good one day. Be that good writer that everyone claims me to be.

But I guess not.

It's okay though.

I still like to write.

No, I write because this is who I am.

I might not be good, but I write for who I am. My writing here is me. All me. Unedited.

This is where I learn to breath in, when words verbally suffocate me.

This is where I truly live :)

A sweet stranger

I never imagined that I'll get a friend out of total stranger, and today I did masha Allah. I was in a bus to go back to shah alam because I went back home for a little while after my AS which is so much fun with my bebigels. Allahu, my life is mostly surrounded by girls ☺️

And today ya rabb let me meet this sweet girl named Nani. She's only 18, done with high school just few months ago.

It's a long story actually on how I get on the bus, my mom was honestly reluctant to let me ride the bus but the ticket have been bought nevertheless and I'm pretty sure my mom was just being my mom, mom-paranoid which is annoying and yet still a cute one.

Rezekilah kot. While my mom thought that the bus was horrible or not the best one for me, ya rabb let me meet this little one Nani. I am until now very amazed to meet this sweetie as she keep on telling her stories and stuff like there's no barriers, there's no fences and she's so translucent and pure. She's a wild girl somehow, but a sweet wild kind.

This sweet stranger already asked for my number and asking me to meet her from times to times. She even promised to meet me this Friday (which honestly I'm still shocked till now) Allahu nani even asked me to go to Krabi with her, (krabi kat thailand tu korang tau tak yang air laut biru nak mam tu)

She's such a brave little girl, during her holiday now she's using her time to go traveling from one country to another. Such a braveheart, I mean my mom wouldn't even let me go back shah alam from tbs because she's worried sick about me.

But you see, meeting this sweet stranger actually give me a different insight. Wallahi this girl is so different from me, grew up perhaps in such a different  environment and whatever she's been through before is what makes her as what she is today.

The hardest part about knowing her and knowing her past is for me not to look so surprised when in truth I was in a state of shock. She's telling me that almost all her friends are married. Few past about her boyfriend that I should not enclosed here. And her dream to wear a hijab.

The last one is the one that makes me think and wonder the most. She's been wanting to wear a hijab because she like to see women now wearing shawl and lilit sana lilit sini. She actually likes that. But somehow it's hard for her because of people judging her. Of what the community around the place that she stayed at, would love to talk about her, aka backbiting aka 'makcik makcik ngumpat'

It makes you wonder, that our society is so hard to please. That this kind of people still exist, ya rabb how do we fix this society how do we remind them that they are your slave and they are not you, the Ultimate Judge that holds All the judge of your slave ya rabb?

And second, what makes me wonder is that how our muslimah fashion have evolve today. Some people might be a little radical and thought that our muslimah fashion nowadays have been a little bit out of control that we should not wear colors we should not dressed up so much cause it contradicts the code of being a muslimah.

But can't you see? That our evolution now encourages more people to wear hijab day by day. Some people may slay my opinion, saying that no one should wear a hijab for the sake of FASHION. That it is wrong if you do not wear a hijab for the One and Only.

But my dear, what kind of eyes do you possess by looking at someone and knew  her intentions more than she knew her intentions herself? Brothers and sisters, our origin is of the white. Fitrah kita yang baik baik. Sebab kita semua hamba Dia ada secebis atau sesiat sifat sifat Dia. Hijrah orang ni bukan untuk kita ni atau awak tu analyse. Hijrah orang tu pemberian Dia pada orang tu, dan refleksi awak untuk muhasabah.

Why?

Because in the end we all are the same.

Kita hamba.

Kita tak layak hukum hamba lain dengan hukum kita.

Seeloknya kita hukum diri sendiri dulu.

Tengok, kita ada dekat mana 

Dekat dekat tebing syurga Dia ke?

Dekat penjuru bahang Jahannam? 

Wallahualam.

Sebak

Aku tak tau nak cakap macamana.

Aku tak tau nak explain macamana.

Kau pernah tak rasa punya sebak satu malam sebab ingat dosa dosa kau yang takkan pernah habis.

Lepas tu kau ingat balik semua nikmat Allah bagi kau tapi kau tetap buat dosa dekat Allah.

Pastu kau ingat apa Rasulullah buat sepanjang dia hidup sepanjang dia bernafas yang dia sentiasa rindu kat kita yang dia sentiasa kisahkan kita tapi kita buat Islam yang dia juangkan sepanjang dia hidup ni macam tak ada erti apa apa?

Pernah tak kau rasa semua tu dalam satu malam lepas tu kau meraung melalak sensorang kat atas tikar sejadah sebab kau dah tak boleh nak cakap dengan siapa lagi dah sebab kau bukannya alim mana kau still pergi tengok wayang kau still pakai jeans ketat kau still tunjuk muka kau kat media social kau still berhias bila nak keluar rumah, pokok pangkal kau tak alim kau bukanlah perfect pun nak junjung Islam sebab kau punya lompong lompong tu masha Allah, tak terkira.

Tapi still, kau meraung atas tikar sejadah sebab benda macamnilah. Sebab kau tau kalau kau cerita kat orang dorang judge kau sebab kau still tak kemana. Tapi atas tikar sejadah tu bila kau baca al-fatihah dan setiap satu ayat tu kau tarik nafas baru sebab setiap satu ayat tu kau tau Allah dengar kau tau Allah acknowledged kau sebab tu kau nangis. Sebab Dia yang Maha Satu tu, yang punya SEMUA yang kau boleh jangkau dengan semua deria kau, balas setiap doa kau dalam al-fatihah yang kadang kau buat main tu.

Yang dalam pukul 3 pagi macamni kau tau Dia yang Gah seGahnya turun tunggu kau faz. TUNGGU KAU BANGUN. Nak dengar segala rintih Kau. Nak dengar segala ngadu Kau yang walhal kau duk Malaysia je semua selesa serba serbi Allah bagi tapi DIA TURUN FAZ DIA TURUN tunggu kau.

Tapi selama ni kau tak pernah nak bangun.

Selamba je hamba yang penuh noda ni tidur seolah dunia dan seisinya ni Kau yang punya.

Aku taktau macamana.

Tapi malam ni aku rasa sebak pukul 3 pagi aku ambil wudhu aku carik telekung dengan tikar sejadah aku. Aku bentang aku melalak meraung depan dia.

Benda yang dah lama aku tak rasa.

Sebab selalu aku meraung dekat Dia sebab sedih sebab mengadu.

Tapi kali ni aku meraung sebabnya satu.

Sebab aku rasa hina.

Sebab aku rasa rindu nak rasa jadi hamba.

Dan apa yang buat aku melalak lagi teruk bila aku sedar yang rasa ni Dia yang bagi.

Sebab Dia masih nak aku rasa.

Sebab Dia yang letakkan rindu ni dalam jiwa aku.

DIA WEH.

Ya rabb weh.

Yang ada SEMUA.

Masih nak aku ni.

Aku.

sehina hina manusia jahil yang masih jahil.

Nak aku ingat kat Dia.

Tolonglah weh.

Ambiklah bila pun satu malam kau. Rasa benda ni.

Sebab aku dah tak boleh nak explain dengan kata manusia.

Nikmatnya bila kau menangis sebab Dia.

Nikmatnya menangis mengenangkan dosa kau.

Nikmatnya menangis bila kau tersedar yang kau cuma hamba yang tak punya apa-apa.

P/s: melalak sebab baca blogpost sendiri yang sejam lepas. Aku pun tak paham aku ni kenapa sebenarnya. Kelakar betul duk runsing pasal jodoh yek ye oo padahal diri sendiri pun terkontang kanting. Diri sendiri pun tak berapa nak elok ada hati nak jodoh yang gah gah. Lol pastu nangis. Tapi takpelah, biar lah aku melalak sebab dosa dari benda rapuh macam manusia.

Dilemma urban islamic

Having this night talk with beautiful ladies and of course we mumble jumble about relationship, needed to bear in mind that I'm already 20. (Even the official moments are still 5 months away) and so we were talking about feelings and stuff of adulthood. Of future I might say. And of course sometimes I would say, "untunglah dah ada boyfriend aku apa pun takde" and these girls will be at my throat and yelling and screaming that I was the one who rejected people.

And I will fall silent.

Did I?

Even though I said all those words I know deep down I never meant it, that i would wish for a boyfriend. 

And rejecting people?

I don't even know if I did that. How did you reject people. What kind of act is a form of rejection?

Define rejection. 

Define accepting. 

Define relationship.

How can you be so sure of all that? That one person is your One.

How can you be so sure that the happiness you have now will be till the Last?

How can you be so sure, with all of that?

How can you be sure that it will not crush you in, so deep that you would never get back up again.

And how do you accept a person you haven't even seen.

Do you believe whatever you're seeing now is all that you can see?

Are you looking through a window or through some eagle eye?

Is s/he is all that?

Do you accept all that? All that is not all at all.

GOD. HOW DO YOU LOVE AND UNLOVE AND LOVE AGAIN?

I don't understand at all on how can you treat relationship so lightly that one day you decide to like/love one person and that one day you decide to not like/love that person ever again?

How can you love and unlove?

Won't it break you 

won't it rip you apart 

won't it crush you

And here I am still questioning this vague existence.

Ya Allah how can you love someone, my dear and think of another person at the same time? 

I can never define true Love as true Love is undefined, it comes from Him, it goes to Him.

But this love that ya rabb gives to you just for that one person. That you will love till your last day. That won't make you think of anyone else. That won't make you even doubt him/her even for a second, as a trade for someone else. 

A relationship that is certain that comes from Him.

I want that.

I don't know how and I don't know HOW.

But I know that exist and I want that wallahi I want that and only that. I can only love one. My heart can only love one. My heart is for one and One.

So now tell me, how can you be certain for that one and never hesitate in your life,  how can you go on and have that kind of relationship without a single doubt in your heart.

I mean, how can you be so happy in a relationship, when you know deep down it is ALL wrong.

That your love now betrays your Love There.

I would be lying if I never think on having relationship (young blood boils I guess) and yet I can never imagine myself having a relationship ya rabb. Sumpah I can't.

I can't imagine loving someone when You get so angry with me.

I can't imagine loving someone and losing your love.

I'm not saying I'm nice good grieve I'm the worst and He's the Merciful, he hides all my bad deeds masha Allah.

And so, how can you have a relationship with someone when it angers Him.

Or worst.

When it makes Him feels sad for you.

Cause you know what you know and you did what you did.

I never judged those having relationship wallahi I have no rights.

I never condemn them that they are cursed that they are bad that they are a freaking villain. No.

This is what I believed in.

This is what I hold in within.

Please don't take it personally to anyone reading this.

Sumpah demi Allah aku tulis blog ni aku create blog ni untuk aku untuk aku paham dunia untuk aku paham Aku. Untuk buat aku paham hidup Aku untuk Dia so tolong takde satu pun post aku untuk aku sakitkan hati orang.

Semua aku tulis dalam ni untuk betulkan aku.

Ah peritnya perasaan ni ya rabb.

Peritnya nak jawab soalan soalan yang takkan pernah habis ni ya rabb.

Peritnya sebab asyik ragu ya rabb.

Peritnya sebab asyik torn apart ya rabb.

But if all this pain of constant fear or guilt that I have towards you, if this one part of me that I'm protecting to not let you get more Angry towards me ya rabb as I am a constant sinner.

Then let it consumes me.

So.

Again.

Define rejection.

Define accepting.

Define relationship.

Sincerely,

From a very confused 20 years old girl,

Trying to define life.

change

it's 0119 19 January 2015.

It's 2015 and just like everyone else, I wished for a change.

And change comes, inevitably.

I got new roomates lol not that new, just that Sahi swap room with Alia (my former roomate) so we have new atmosphere in the house. And just like most of you can imagine, with Sahi in the room, my life couldn't get anywhere near dull with this talkative attractive bright little lady. 

Second, because my first month of 2015 is full with exam as I am currently taking my AS exam (Ya Allah let Fazira Kamaludin get 15 for her AS exam amin) *thanks for praying for me to anyone reading this :) So I've been developing this habit of praying at the most earliest time, straight after adhaan and I'll be on my knees to the One and Only. A habit that I should've done since the earliest of time I could distinguish between the act of Jannah or Jahanam. And yet after 20 years of living did I accomplish this. And Wallahi, those calmness when you pray on time, those blessed feelings can never be utter or type onto words. They are there, vanishing all those squirmy feelings you have in your heart and breath happiness onto your soul. I guess that's a step one in feeding your soul. I mean I kept feeding my tummy not remembering that my soul is the one that is everlasting and yet I let it starve, and day by day it rots a little bit. So, I have reflected on that and 2015 give me the chance for my soul to be whole again. 

Third, Sahi developed this habit of going Subuh at Surau and so this affected on me, jemaah at surau and by tomorrow it'll be my third day jemaah at Surau for Subuh, another attempt of me trying to feed my soul. And by jemaah at Surau, my whole five prayers will be complete, at the earliest time. This post is not a bragging I swear to Allah. There is nothing for me to brag as I am still his Worst servant trying to find her way back to Him. But insha Allah if I can let this habit of mine constant, istiqamah, then it would be great.

And fourth, I have to change class for the last sem. No more Nottingham which is super saiya sad cause I started to treasure my class, I personally believe that my class have a set of the most unique people and each one of us is so different and so special on our own. To have left that is saddening, but still we can always see each other, seek for help if we need to, I mean I only change class not like I change state: not yet. My new class will be called as newquay: rather odd isn't the name? And dominated by girls as 97% of the new class population is girl-genre so I have no idea what that would be but I hope everything is going to be fine. Insha Allah.

2015 by far is kinda special.

Kinda new and off the track,

unusual. 

But a best kind of unusual.

If 2015 is a track to go back to you my Rabb.

Then don't let me go astray.

Ihdinal sirattol mustaqim.

And forever guide me,

to the straight path.

To your path.
To you.

Cause there's nowhere I want to be, 

Except towards you.

With you.