average

Hi! "It's been a long time" this should probably be my designated template for each of my post because honestly I'm either posting things here a week straight or like once a year. I need to start finding the right point for moderation. Hello guys, it's been a while. I have now actually graduated from Cardiff a few months ago! Can you believe it? I mean all the dreading and soft-emo post I have posted in my blog, not to mention the whole rant on twitter or let alone snapchat and I actually did it! I actually really graduated from Cardiff Uni and managed to get a worthy of a degree that I am beyond proud (it's not a first class I can assure you that lol). It's ridiculous and absurd how time actually flies and I have also stated this in  most of my post that lately this phrase have become terrifying to me. 

In 4 days I will be (Insha Allah) working in KL. I have secured myself a job, a promising one. It's amazing really how Allah have lined up our lifes in the least expected ways. 

That is enough about updates. Now onto what I always do in my blog: self-reflection.

How do I get here?

My answer will always be; My Lord who is the One that brings me here. Always. 

But in entirety of the whole spectrum of my life, I'm here through constant reassurances, warm hugs and giggles from the ones I love, and also Faith. I am still scared, terrified and bewildered with this new phase in life. Some people called it the "new phase", some people called it "adulthood", some people called it "the depression phase", and regardless of what most of the people think it should be, it will always be just another step that you have to breeze through to reach the end.

It hits me hard when I realized that I am out of my bubble again. I went studying overseas and realize that the foreign wind and temperature was a tad bit too overwhelming to a very average girl who just started to grow wings. I realized that the skies were a bit too bright when the sun was out and the night was a bit too cold as the stars went to hiding. I realized that life wasn't all roses in this land that we imagined to be without flaw. I realized that I was a minority. I realized that the custom and culture were different. I realized that the language was beautiful to the strangers and felt slightly warm but not warm enough to fill all the holes that is aching inside my heart. I realized that despite all this beautiful greeneries, perfectly sculptured buildings and these beautiful souls I have encountered is not enough to make me feel whole. I realized that no matter how far I go travelling, no matter how much culture I have seen and immersed myself in, that there is no place ever, that can soothes my soul like home.

I realized that this foreign land is not home.

Some people went on and said that the students who studied overseas and still mingle with malaysians are those who are meek. Some defended us and said that no matter what kind of person they mingle with; each of those students will always value their home more as a lesson. And some rebutted and said; it's a whole lot of a big cost to pay for that kind of lesson. 

And I think it's true. I haven't really had a close "local" friend or international friend that you can confide in. I don't really went to join much of the society in Cardiff. I wasn't really exploring beyond my bubble; or so how some might say. And it's true. I have no objection towards those who thought that people like me to be a waste of money. That might be true. I realized that I was scared. That I wasn't really that brave. I was pressured and pressed on with these discrepancies between different cultures, values and norms and I was stuck. I stayed at one place. I chose the safe side. I hide. I ran. Call it whichever that you prefer, but yes, I was terrified.

But what I've been through is not something that needs validation from someone else. Whatever I've gone through is a valuable experience for me and how I grow. These past 3 years might serve as a mistake that needed some redemption. These past 3 years might serve as a reminder. These past 3 years was a blessing. These past 3 years was a curse. These past 3 years that I studied overseas as a student is my own and only experience.

You do not get the high seat to tell me that what I've been through is a waste of money. 

I mean how can someone be so sure of the degree of suffering someone else have been through when they barely even know them? How do people have this audacity of telling people that their experience worth are shit and that they don't deserve it? How do you have the nerve to tell me that my 3 years of studying doesn't worth any single dime? How do you measure it?

Maybe being average was the measurement. Maybe being average wasn't enough. Maybe being average was too common for it to be for greater good.

Maybe people didn't realized that for some, being average is everything they've given to exist.