Unproductive?

Hai.

It's 1.17 a.m.

And I'm super bored.

Well.

When your second sem was so packed with activities and you barely have a breather.

So you can imagine how living a sem break will be.

Like really....

really...

boring....

Maybe because it's in my nature.

Nature of me being this little warm and fuzzy baby bear who love warmness.

I love circles of families.

Big families.

So maybe after all I might rethink of having just 3 kids in the future.

Maybe...

Okay.

So I've been in my second week of holiday break.

Nope no studying. Mostly eating sleeping reading books all the stuffs you do to get fat.

And I'm barely moving around I felt really really unproductive cause at least when I'm at akasia I have to walk down from the fifth level by stairs just to get food. That doesn't even add the amount of steps I have to take in order to eat. and I just hate rafi hahaha so no near places I would rather walk than waste my money on expensive mamak.

So yeah I feel fat and lonely, because my trio is not with me, and I feel... somewhat scared.

Of a little bit of everything.

Like how time is going to fast and how I'm not ready.

I have never been afraid of the future you see because I'm more to this present kinda person.

So I don't really pay attention to plan. I don't plan it's just in my nature that I don't like to plan.

I might contribute to a planning like an event or something but I simply never really plan my life.

I mean yeah there's this talk when people ask you what you wanna be in the future.

And you'll go and say, ooo I wanna be this, I wanna be that.

Yeah sure I do that too, like just talk.

But seriously, I never do anything to, you know.... try walk my talk.

So yeah. I'm here and I'm scared.

I'm here and I'm scared and still did nothing to contemplate that.

I noticed that I'm growing up.

But at the back at my head I'm still stuck.

I still thought that I was this 17 years old girl who are just finishing high school.

When I'm here and reaching 19.

I'm afraid of A-level.

I'm afraid of falling.

And failing.

I'm afraid of it all.

Yeah I'm afraid of the sudden changes of format in A-level.

Of me not paying attention.

Of the ridiculous subjects I have to endure.

That simply just not in my forte.

Of sudden decision of Intec: taking AS on january 2015.

Yeah I gotta admit I'm afraid.

I'm already so terrified now for what my second sem result is going to be.

Well yeah first sem was all rainbow and cookies.

But second sem was like just tsunami and it smack you right on the face.

But I don't hate this second sem altogether.
Never.

This second sem is pratically the best ever.

So yeah.

Yep. Idk what more to say.

See ya later xx

Redefining one self

Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

Wow.

It's been ages since my last writing. Literally not ages but still it felt like it. So here I am, on my bed at JB home sweet aspartame home, and I have to admit my bed at home is probably the most cosiest bed ever created cause I have no idea how sleepy I could get even when I already overslept, it's either a blessing or a curse. Either way, it's 12.22 a.m and here I am, going to rant on my blog. Cause I miss writing so much. I miss pouring my heart out in words.

The only social media that is not getting crowded is probably only my blog. I mean twitter itself have like a lot of people watching, and I got to be honest I'm not as free as I am before, you know the more people you know are watching so I gotta bite my tongue, or in this case hold my fingers as we are more to typing than talking, unless you say what you wanna tweet.

So it's official. my holiday a.k.a sem break has begun. Today is my fourth day at home. It's pretty fast cause I don;t really remember what I did for the past few days, mostly maybe because I did nothing basically. I'm pretty much confident that my weight is going up up and up I just hope it doesn't really goes that high up. And not 56. Hahahaha.

Okay. What I wanna talk today?

I wanna talk about me.

Wow, that is pretty random. Cause I seldomly talk about myself in my blog, I mean, that's more to bragging. But yeah I do talk about myself but it's more to like letting out my emotion rather than clarifying about me.

So yeah, I'm here to justify that I am not trying to brag.

I'm here to redefine myself.

I've been in Intec for 2 sem now. At the end of my sem break it'll mark my one year at Intec. The one place that I've never imagined I'd be into. But here I am... surviving intec for one year.

Before this, I mean before intec I was that awkward girl. Who barely talked to any guy, whom barely know social network, who had it hard just to say hi to a stranger, or ask a question. I learn how to communicate year by year, I was surrounded by girls and only girls for like.... most of my life. I was getting better at communicating, but mostly just with girls.

And then I got intec, and I got into silat and I was introduced to my psscpuh family and poof! I'm all good with guys.

I don't have problems talking to them, I have no problems talking to them directly with eye contact. I am not afraid of communicating with them, I became normal. In other words, I changed.

A LOT.

Yeah I changed a lot.

I'm not the girl before this that you knew, I changed heck really a lot.

Like how before this I told you I was ironlady because I have no serious feelings towards guys?

Or maybe past trauma with guys that made me as who I am right now...

That was before, where I claimed to be adamantium and what so not,I mean if  you guys knew me at that time, you guys would knew that I wasn't really acquainted with a lot of guys, so to really claimed myself to be ironlady is not supposed to be legit.

I mean I wasn't exposed to man.

I wasn't exposed to real flirting.

I wasn't exposed to anything precisely.

heck how can I call myself as adamantium or ironlady or whatnot.

I was nothing back then.

I know nothing man.

I was nothing.

Like a thin air, or like a vacuum.

But things changed, I mean I changed.

INTEC changed me.

I have changed into something that I don't even know myself. I've seen things that I never seen before.

I've experienced things I couldn't even imagined I would before. 

You know what's even funny. I have once imagined what it would feel like to interact with guys, on how to just being cool and relaxed, I mean guys I IMAGINED IT cause I thought it'll never happen. That me talking to guys or openly communicating with eye contact is normal, NO.... that's why I have to imagine it.

And now it happened, like in real life.

And I never thought that "love drama" would happen here in my life like right now but it did.

It did.

It freaking did. 

I don't even know why.

I mean if there's any way of me, hitting question to that certain people.

I would've ask why,

and yet I'm so afraid of the answers so I'd rather not.

So here I am going to redefine myself.

Before this I said about not talking to guys or whatnot.

Because I was afraid, or I believed that talking too much with one guy would lead to another.

But here I am going to clarify that THAT is not necessarily true, I mean heart are one wild beast, you would never know how it would react, so why bother. I mean my heart reacted fine. I'm still me, I'm still this girl who are not falling in love with any guy right now.

And still, I can be me, be nice, and be jovial without needing to distance myself.

I can take care of my heart.

As long as I know how to shield it, nothing could harm me.

I'm still that ironlady.

it's just that, I'm redefining ironlady to a whole new level.

I can still be nice to you. To anyone.

But that doesn't mean that you own me.

Or you can be nice to me, or to anyone,

And still that doesn't mean you own me.

Bottom line is, I'm still gonna be nice.

But my nice has its own limits.

That you will know yourself, when to step back.

I'm still caging my heart.

But now, I'm putting the cage to a whole new perspective.

Or maybe I'm just humanizing myself now.

And I hope that this change right now.

Will be just fine.

Amin :)