not being able to complete the writing challenge

Lol.
I guess that's me.

I can pick up the last remaining days and just go on with whatever I have based on a certain day I guess. But I can't actually write continuously, because then I'll have this monotonous and boring same kind of writing which I hate, because I sound so fake.

and because I have exam coming soon! Wish me luck guys.

Love, Faz.

Day 5.

To dreams,

To be frank I have so many dreams I wanted to achieve since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a successful fashion designer, I even studied about designer brands and their names and how to pronounce it. I practice how to pronounce Yves Saint Laurant in it's own accent. I even sketched a few dresses, and I'm so proud of it, because in my eyes, they were the prettiest little thing. Later, I decided that I'll become a poet, I write poems during new year, and it was such an epic moment, because I wrote exactly at 12 am, and suddenly my poem was the grandest thing ever created. (funny isn't how imagination can uplift you so much and make you feel like you're already part of the skies). 

After that I wanted to be a dancer, professional traditional dancer, because I was immersed in zapin that I think that I was born for it. Then, I decided I'm gonna be an exceptional teacher. I'll teach things in a whole different ways and all the kids I'm teaching will turn out to be extraordinary. I wanted to teach them about life, and not about passing grades. Later, I decided to become a writer all because I discovered about blogging, and how it change my life. And my essays, maybe the way my english teacher encourages me to write, and praise my obviously doesn't make sense stories in front of the whole class that made me feel like, "Hey maybe I can write, like for real." I even thought that I'll try my best to win Nobel prize.

So you see all my dreams when I was little are simple dreams. Simple, but in a grand way. I wanted to be all those people I said, but in a whole different level. I wanted to be the best. Or so in my head, I imagined I'll be the best.

But reality hits you hard isn't it.

Life's not that easy pie baby girl. Being the best was easier in your head than in real life. Because life love throwing you craps, and shits. And your journey doesn't necessarily flow like a river in the mountain. Sometimes you tumble down the rocky road and cut yourself. And suddenly life wasn't as easy as you thought it'll be.

This is a good challenge, I love it. It makes me think about things that I've never revisit before. Like how I don't think I have a dream, and how this makes me sad because when I was little my imagination were grandeur. But now, all I think is how am I going to get job when I got home. If there is any job for me, do I need to do intern? Where? What kind of job? Shoot I have to take my license first if I wanted to do intern. But I wanted to rest at home, I wanted to see mama ayah akak abang more. 

Suddenly life wasn't about dreams anymore.

Life's about making it through the day.

Ah,

I would really love to relive all those grandeur dreams in my head again.

Love, Faz.

  

Day 4.

Letter to your sibling(s)

To akak and abang. My little goofs. 

I grew up adoring you two since I was a little girl. I adored the way you two see the world. You guys were perfect in those little eyes of mine. You guys are the perfect friends to me, albeit how annoying you guys can get. You guys made me feel full most of the time. Abang, you grew up far away from me and akak, because you live with nenek. So every weekend is the most happiest time for me as I get to see you. My brother is coming home, that thought alone made me eager for the weekend. But abang, you never stay put don't you? Because later you went to boarding school and you're further away. You got good grades and then you got the opportunity to study at USA. You keep drifting away big bro. That's why every single time I got to spend with you is a memory I rendered as treasure. Seeing you is a luxury huh? Because now you're back home, and I'm the one getting further away. *Sigh* You're the annoying, cheeky perfect brother, abang. And never in any way I would want to replace you with someone else, even though at times you're JUST ABSOLUTELY FREAKING ANNOYING.

And then akak, aaaaaaah akak. You're just the best friend. The ultimate best friend. No one can surpass you, though. Literally. It must be annoying as hell because I never treated you like a big sister. I merely treated you like my best friend. Ha ha ha. Oh well, at least I'm true towards you. Maybe we were put in the wrong order because I acted more as the big sister than you ever did hahaha. But oh well, I still love you altogether  (even though it annoys me so much how I have to take care of you just because you're cuter and smaller than I am ugh)  I know how I always showed my annoyance towards you, but trust me, not a day I don't miss you. It's just that I'm not really good at showing emotions. And you know that better than I do. (even though it annoys me so much how I have to take care of you just because you're cuter and smaller than I am ugh) And know this akak, just because you don't get to study abroad doesn't make you less than anyone else, not me and not abang. You're more than some certified degree. You're you and there's no way for someone else not to love you just for that. I'm soooooooo proud of you because you learn life in a hard way, which I'll never understand for now. (not saying I got it easy, but you got it tougher than I do).

You know what I meant when I said I love my bubble wrap?
You two, plus mama and ayah are the centre and pillars of my bubble. I know this doesn't make sense because bubble doesn't have pillars damn it but you got the gist. 
You guys are the reasons that I'm content with life.

And I will keep continue living my life adoring you two till the end of time.

Day 3.

A letter to your parents

To ayah and mama,

Thank you for just existing, honestly. I can't imagine the world without the two of you in it. You guys are the centre of my life, the sun. There are no words to express my gratitude towards both of you, even if I am to combine the weight of all the mountains, and the seven seas, you two would still be weighing more to me. I love you two love birds so much, and adoring you two is a daily routine for me. 

To mama, the wonderful wonder woman in my life.

Do you remember when I was younger, how I couldn't stand to not be by your side before I went to sleep? I was so close to you, so pampered by your presence that I fear the world would collapse on me if there is no you beside me.

 That's what you are mama, you're a shield, a living shield. 

You never take a break in order to protect your little cubs. Even though this little cub of yours is already turning 22 soon, you keep going strong. 

A protector, my little guardian angel. 

Now, I guess it's time to turn things around, I'm not your little cub anymore ma.

 I'm a fierce lioness, and I will do my best to protect you myself. 

To ayah, my sweetheart,

There could never be any replacement for you. There will be no other man that can be you. Not as a father, not as a friend. You're truly one in a million and I thank god every day for letting you be my dad, my ayah. Honestly ayah, there is no one else that I've met who doesn't care if his wife doesn't cook. I'm almost 22 and nope, not a day ayah. You're as compassionate and as gentle as the soft breeze of the ocean. Yet, you are strong and firm in your life as  steel. 

Ayah, I still remember the day you asked me with little puppy eyes, "Kenapa adik nak pergi jauh sangat study? Kenapa tak tanya Ayah dulu?" a few weeks before I fly to UK. When in fact, I've already told you a million times before, that I wanted to study abroad, that I'm going to apply for sponsorship abroad, and you already said yes to all of those things.

Funny thing is, those weren't really questions you wanted to ask.

Those are simply a facade behind your heart crying; that you're going to miss me, and that you don't want me to go.

Ah mama ayah.

There's never a day I don't miss you here.

And never a day that I'm not worried if the last time I saw you two would be the real last time.

And the panic kills me little by little every day.

My love, live long and live well.

Wait for your little cub.

I'm going home soon.

Love, Faz.

 

 

Day 2.

A letter to your crush

This is awkward. I'm not really sure if I have a crush, to be honest. But if 'crush' in the definition of; someone you can't possibly have, then maybe in a way I have a lot of people I've been crushing in ages ago. Not to mention the endless characters from anime that I've been watching since I was 9. Seriously, I still love Lee Shao Ran in CardCaptor Sakura hahaha. But okay, let's be serious. I do have a crush. Not in a romantic way, more in a sense of I find him to be different, and admiration for his views on the world.

So, to my crush.

You are different. In a good way. Your opinions were beyond my young and vulnerable little mind.

That is perhaps one of the reasons I found you to be captivating in a way. It's your writings.

Maybe, after all, I was loving the way you write. I always find words to be hauntingly beautiful.

They usually get stuck in my mind and I find your writing to be exceptionally inspiring.

A talent that can't be harbor through practice. Sometimes talent is just talent.

And it seems that you are born with it.

The way you phrase your words are beyond me.

Which is why it's very captivating, I usually got stunned by things I can't expect.

I don't know you. Seriously, that's why this challenge today is an odd one because you're not really my crush (lovey-dovey type). But if writings can give a little sneak peek of the author's soul, then I think that I find yours to be extremely beautiful and fascinating.

I'm actually glad that I don't really know you.

Because you might overwhelm me.

However, I prayed for your everlasting happiness. I think If I ever found out that one day you're getting married with some girl that I don't know, I will be extremely happy because a beautiful soul shall meet one. And what a joy to see them together.

Love, Faz.

 

Day 1.

Letter to your best friend

To my best friend, Nurul Japar. As I'd considered you, in all of my heart to be a part of me.

    Loving you was like loving the ocean. So strong and yet so easy.

I have no idea what drew me towards you. But I got to say that maybe fate had driven us together.

That maybe He wanted us to be together. 

I was a puppet before I met you.

I was easy, on everyone.

Pleasing them was my number one goal in life. No matter what they said,

no matter what they did.

But then you came along, and you were so true towards yourself.

To be honest. You were probably glistening and shimmering and crystalline in my eyes.

You were the only one that was mad at me for no reason at all.

You were the only one that I fight with.

I never really fight with people, because I'd rendered them as petty things.

But you're the first one I really fight with.

That I'd get mad with.

So that means that you're important.

I fight for things that I need.

I appreciate every time you came to me asking for advice or just telling me stories. 

I felt happy.

Do you remember our first encounter? I don't really ha ha ha.

But I can't remember times I'm not happy with you by my side.

We're growing old, nurul.

I don't know if you're going to stay. 

I've seen people leaving me, tossing me aside, so many times that I have lost faith in waiting for people to stay.

Sometimes I'd rather be the first to walk away, just because I'm sparing my heart from heartbreak.

But know this baby girl.

I would never walk out on you.

 I'll stay.

Even if one day you decided to walk away first.

I'll stay.

You're one of the wounds that I choose in my life.

So maybe please,

stay.

 

Let's.

updates

Hi,
Life's been pretty good lately. I guess.
You guys have seen how I'm always depressed and gloomy because let's face it, TO TALK IN ENGLISH MOST OF THE TIME IS HARD DEMMIT. I'm not the kind of person who talks in English 24/7 before this, therefore, life is shitty and hard.

BUT.

I'm doing good now. I have a friend? status unknown but yeah, I have a partial-local friend that can talk to me. And I'm talking more to my tutorial mate and saying hi and saying bye to them everytime we meet.
And I love how they pronounce my name, fazira. Like it was so hard calling my name but also so nice.
And I love how they said my name is so pretty.
Thank you.

I'm going out. Out of my comfort zone.
I'm trying little by little.
I know the speed is unbelievably slow.
But I'm trying guys.
I am.


So yeah.
For more adventures and awkward moments and weird conversations.

I'm gonna endure this.

I will.
Insha Allah, we all will.
Believe in better tomorrow guys.
Live.
With love.

darkness

um hi. so my last post was on April 26. Which was like months ago. goodness how time flies. I'm gonna just randomly post stuff today. Like I usually do. so please ignore all my grammar mistakes, I know there's always some grammar nazi lurking around. Haha. So I'm in Malaysia now. Since for the past three months.

How does it feel coming home after being somewhere else for such a long time?

Well, it feels like home.

I never tell you guys how I felt when I was at UK. I was too caught up with works and exams and just, well, myself. My mind was full with the present that I didn't actually have time to actually ask myself, "hey faz how're you doin'? doin' good?" because I'm pretty sure if I asked myself that question at that time I will break down into tiny pieces. I will literally just break.

Being at some foreign place was so weird. It was weird. Everything was new. I feel like I was new.

But there's something at foreign places that just made you feel withdrawn. 

I was in the darkness. I was so alone that I feel burdened by myself. Don't get me wrong I'm always alone, I'm used to it. I learned to be independent and do things by myself when I started to get into Intec. I used to eat alone or find some food alone. not when I'm at Intec, usually back when I'm at Kolej. 

But back then at UK, I was alone completely. Like I studied alone, despite having two Malay classmates. I go to class alone. I sit alone. I walked home alone. I did so many things alone and it started to overwhelm me. I was drowning into so many things and I just can't get out. I can't spit it out.

All my housemates were so chatty that sometimes I was drowning in their voices. I don't know when to find the right timing to step in. To tell them my stories. And I'm not the kind of person to just call my parents or my siblings and tell them 'hey I think I'm dying here' because I'm not the kind of person who likes to make other people worried about me.

I was partially depressed I guess. But I held it in.

Studying was okay, which is total bullshit because whenever I did my assignment it seems like I never study a thing. Not that I study really well anyway. 

Psychology was totally different that what I thought which basically makes me feel like I've got a punch right on mah face. I feel like I learned a little bit of medic.

Bottom line is, I'm a baby. I'm so spoiled. I love listening to people but I also feel the need to tell someone my day once in a while. Telling face to face. I need real contact, eyes to eyes and just tell someone my day. which I can't do easily. It feels like I'm stuck inside myself. And that ladies and gentlemen feels like hell. And annoying as hell.

How was my final? Well just okay.

I feel happy when I heard my friends back here at home excel. Honestly I'm glad. I feel happy for them.

And I also feel hollow in me.

It's like this simultaneous feelings that come and go hand in hand. I can't help it. 

And then I feel all lonely again when I heard all of them telling their own part of the story. which I can't really relate. And when they can't relate my part of stories too.

I'm going home in less than 22 days. 

And I started to feel the darkness rising in me.

Trying to engulf me whole. 

 

sentap

This is gonna be totally random quick post so bear with me honey. Bear with me. (imagine ada cute grizzly bear typing this hahaha comelnya). See, I just wanted to say this thing, that clouded my mind my heart and my soul (cehhh). You see few days ago no maybe yesterday I preach about how subtle a dakwah can be, how sentap sentap kinda dakwah works in a way but it doesn't always works. Tapi twitter being twitter not much can be said thoroughly, so here I came to my one source of writing that I should not abandoned in a large scale but I did anyway huhu sorry iLady. 

People have been going on this topic, like how tarbiyah sentap is one of the medium, and as you can see so many people go against it, but there's other people who said that it's necessary. Maka untuk mengupas topik ini, maybe we should go deeper as to what is necessary? What does necessary mean? And even if we get what it means, does that meaning applies to everyone? Soalan last adalah soalan crucial, it's a critical analysis. (terpengaruh dengan course ceni lah gamaknya haha semua benda aku persoalkan maap ye ibuk ibuk bapak nenek atok anak anak muda) So much that people tries to justify that they forget that justification, whatever it is differs to everyone, because we have individual differences. 

What people can't seem to understand is that we have this differences. We need to understand that we can't be the same. We were raised differently, we were taught different values or sometimes we didn't even get that knowledge or values. 

Manusia kena faham, yang tak semua orang hatinya satu. Tuhan pun kata hati kita ni ada tiga jenis. Hati yang memang lembut macam Sohabah yang di tengahnya sentiasa ada sungai yang mengalir. Hati yang keras, tapi kalau diketuk ada kerakan yang mengalir. Dan hati terakhir hati mati.

Hati yang kena ketuk tu namanya hati sakit. 

Point kat sini, sebab aku selalu menjajah macam nenek is that tak semestinya ketuk tu kau kena ketuk kuat kuat. Bukan hempuk dengan kayu je caranya, tapi aku tak kata tak boleh nak hempuk dengan kayu. Tapi banyak sangat cara lain yang boleh kau ketuk. Mungkin dengan bantal? Yelah dah nama hati sakit, hati tu dah sakit, takkan kau nak ketuk bagi dia sakit lagi? Takkan? Kau kalau sakit nak orang jaga elok elok ke nak suruh orang belasah sampai tak larat lagi hah? 

Dulu aku percaya dengan kuasa 'sentap' ni. Aku bajet bajet macho lah. Ingat kental. Takpe tak kisah sakit sakit ni. Memang sesentap ni lah yang buat kita ingat Tuhan mostly. Turning point aku. Tapi most people lupa yang lepas turning point ada satu fasa ni nama dia ''istiqamah''. 

Kau nak tau benda apa paling susah? Istiqamah nilah. 

Banyak sangat orang kecundang sebab payahnya nak istiqamah. Bak kata lain nak steady lah yobbbb.

Lol. 

Dulu, aku pernah follow ramai sangat orang orang yang bagi aku berpendidikan lebih sikit lah dalam agama ni. Aku tak jatuh verdict cakap dia alim nanti korang cakap aku ni judgmental nokharom pulak. You see I follow them because I believe that it can only bring more goodness rather than follow account yang merepek tu semua.

And then ada this one sister, whom I adore so much because she's cute perhaps a niqabis but she never ever post her picture online. Which I respect so much. And this sister always said, you know it's common stuff at that time, it didn't really struck me so hard. But that sister always said, "Jadilah mahal wahai muslimah, simpanlah wajahmu untuk mereka yang halal bagimu" more or less.

So because I followed her and I adore her, I see this sentence so many days. It helps in terms takde dah lepastu upload selfie banyak sangat.  Not that there was any selfie yang gedik nak mampos ke terencat ke normal je semua. But you see, I see that kind of statement so much, like so persistently constant that, surprisingly, made me feel sad. Supposedly I should feel to be more motivated en nak you know keeping it up to par to her. Tapi sadly no. I feel sad I feel down I feel degraded.

Faham je niat akak tu baik. Akak tu memang baiklah. But little did she know, that the method that she tried to preach, unknowingly might also be the method that brings people down.

We need to understand that we're not from the same background. Untuk akak yang aku follow dulu, mungkin dia dibesarkan dalam situasi yang membimbing dia ke arah begitu. Hati dia dipupuk untuk jadi indah macamtu.

Mungkin hati aku tak.

Hati aku jenis yang sakit manjang tu.

memanglah akak tu tak bermaksud yang perempuan yang post muka kat socmed ni murah. ofcourse tak. But you see my mind works automatically, ataupun saitan saitan ligat kat telinga ni bisik benda bukan bukan.

Untuk hati tak kuat macam aku yang sakit ni, 

that won't help.

Eventually aku rasa akak tu sejenis yang tak memahami. Yang tak tahu peritnya berada dalam satu kelam jahiliah ni. Perit jahiliah ni, kelam malam jahiliah ni, dia tinggal parut.

Satu term yang aku belajar dalam psikologi ni nama dia sensitization; which is a form of non-associative learning where an organism becomes more responsive to stimuli after being exposed to strong or painful stimuli. So basically parut ni kalau kita pegang kan, dia memanglah tak sakit dah, tapi sebab neuron dalam otak kau dah undergoes changes, permanently that even when kau usap-usap je pun kat parut tu, dia bagi kau this tingly sensation of pain. Sikit jelah tapi, tapi your whole body can feel. Sejenis rasa meremang. Kalau kau ada parut cuba kau buat. 

kami yang sentiasa ada parut jahiliah ni.

Akan sentiasa ada satu rasa dalam jiwa, yang teriak berkata,

"kau tak layak untuk Syurga dia"

Ni automatik. Suara suara di belakang. Suara suara kesal dengan dosa.

Aku tau ada je orang yang pernah ada parut ni yang masuk tarbiyah sentap.

Tapi aku tak tau kenapa dia rasa yang it's okay to usap parut orang lain and bagi that tingly sensation.

Ni bukan pasal nak cakap aku ego

Aku tak boleh ditegur

Tegurlah

Ya Allah tegurlah.

Tapi, cuba kau fikir, 

kalau Allah boleh tegur kita lembut lembut.

Kenapa kau tak?

Tak mungkin frasa ni salah.

Allah boleh tegur kita lembut,

bukan kenapa kau tak.

Kenapa kau taknak?

 

everyday battle.

Who would've thought,

that a crooked smile means a silent cry.

Who would've thought the calm eyes watching the skies,

were actually out of tears.

Who would've thought that the loud laughs,

were so hollow inside.

Who would've thought,

that I might be dying,

a little bit inside.

Who would've thought,

maybe I'm already dead inside.

Time

it seems to be that time, like most people say, is infinity. It goes beyond and travel ways we could never imagine. and it also seems to be that people believe that they own time, however little that is, and believe that they can control it. I guess that's why we created Time in form of watch, hours, daylight saving etc. So that we humans can feel like we actually can control it, even if we're not. We were gullible, so we create a safe net protection such as time, wrist watch amounted hundred of dollars or even thousands, maybe hoping that the more we spend on our watch, the more time we could get? Or maybe just attraction, or attention which are also the same form of human vulnerabilities. We were often so afraid of the relentless void of the future, we become this living zombies in form of insecure beings who are afraid of time and money. I often think now that we're not His slave, we're 'money' slave, 'time' slave. We became afraid not to our one and only, but we're afraid of elements that we can't control. We became fixated to wanting to have power or control over things that aren't for us to control.

I'm going to be 21 soon, and I'm still feeling like I'm losing time, like I can't control it, and I became afraid of what lies ahead, what I'm gonna be next 5 years, do I have enough time to make a change in the world? It's like how Elliot says, everyone changes the world, like how he goes to the beach and went back home bringing sands and rocks under his shoes and how he got scolded by his mother for sleeping into the bed with the shoes, the dirty shoes, but his father doesn't scold him, his father said, that Hundred of years ago, the world changes and brought the sand and the tiny rocks to the beach, and now he (Elliot) changes the world too, even if it's just a little bit. That's how the world goes, we changes the world everyday with our presence, but in reality, the changes were so little that we often didn't see it. I mean, how many times does Elliot have to go to the beach, to really change the world, by vanishing the beach (bringing back little bits of sands everyday, per say). Because that would really mean that the world changes, in the map, in the life of people who live around the beach. That would mean changing the world. Like really changed the world.

In case many of you were wandering who on earth was this Elliot, well he's a character in a netflix series called Mr. Robot which I highly recommend to everyone who are still reading my blog (i don't know why but thank you so much for your time). The series will worth your time, but it'll blow your mind. And warning, it's not relaxing series, you gotta think when you watch and you'll be agitated all the time. I promised you that.

Ah yeah, I do have time to watch Mr. Robot apparently. So much for the fear of time.

Here's to a new sem babies.