Tougher.

Assalamualaikum.

So, now is 1.00 am. Today is already Friday, the Holy Friday, the Blessed Friday. The beautiful Friday :)

So basically, why am I here, with my laptop on my lap, on my bed, in the dark as my roomate is sleeping soundly besides me,

I'm lost.

I'm floating.

I feel like I'm a vapour.

I feel like those clouds, fluffy yet undeniably fragile.

Well, actually I just cried a few minutes ago.

Like really cried, as in sobbing and sobbing and little hysterical tears but in silence as I do not want to wake my room mate.

so, what's the big deal with that?

Well it's a big deal to me as I RARELY CRY.

As in Rare in very rare like near extinction.

I do not have this symptom called homesick.

I do not have this tendency to feel weak or surrender when dealing with challenges in life.

I do not have this feeling of feminine side where I need to express my feelings with tears all the time.

NO

That is not me.

But one thing about me is, I love warm feelings.

I was brought up in the family of warm bears.

We warm each other up.

We light up each others life.

We become the main backbone for each other.

And when I'm here,

I feel lost as in cold,

I long for that warmness.

Or maybe after all I've been putting up my strong and tough mask for so long,

that now it started to crack.

Or maybe I'm just too tired.

With all the training.

And my body keep pushing myself to the limit where they can't take it,

like right now on how my legs weren't able to function clearly but still I tried my best to endure it and come to the training with my tough mask on.

Because I know nobody really cares.

It doesn't matter whoever it is that ask me on how I'm doing.

I know they don't really care.

Lol, even my best friends don't bother to ask me on how I'm doing.

The cruelty of life.

and here I am trying hard to fix everyone else, including me.

And perhaps.

Just perhaps,

All I need is your hug mama :'(

In finding ease within the hardship.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

Good morning everyone. 

Now is 9.31 a.m at my laptop screen clock, and you guys might  wonder why did I wake up so early, which is actually I woke up at 8. I don't even know why, maybe it's the biological clock, I've never been able to sleep till late morning nowadays, fixed and hectic schedule might change my biological clock. Perhaps.

So basically this sem, as I told you guys earlier will be really hectic for me, in a way that I would never imagined. Now I've seen the perks of it, it has started. I can see myself in a mess, portrayed at my home, in my room, at my study desk. Everywhere is a mess. I spend more time on the bed when I'm at home. Most of it is because I'm rarely at home.

As you guys know, I'm involved in Silat. A persatuan silat which in it's shortform is called PSSCPUH or we called it as pesecepuh. This little family circle is important to me, in a way they do bring some sort of meaning to me. I have never imagined myself to be one of the important part in this family, I always see myself as someone invisible that.. no one can see me. But in a way, they do see me, they caught me and now I'm immersed in this warm family. 

It's hard I might say, in a way of training and spending your time lavishly on basically hurting yourself. But it all depends on your strength. How do I perceive my strength? How do I convince myself that I am strong enough. How?

It's like a battlefield, of contradicting emotions and thoughts, the rivalry between the right things and the wrong ones.  And what's even funny, to be able to distinguish these both when the terms itself are very very subjective.

In one way, I might be weak.

In another way, I might be strong.

But it's not about being strong that I'm trying to define here.

It's about being me, in a strong way. 

That is what I want to seek for this whole sem.

I've only seen the beginning of my hecticness, I'm not sure, when it might rose up to super hectic and so on. But I'm trying to be strong here.

I'm tryig my best to fight for the temptations. I'm fighting with my inner demons.

This is how I'm trying to be strong.

And so within this hardship, I can see the ease.

Of which me becoming strong and stronger each day,

mentally or physically,

is one way of me, having the ease in my life.

TO THE LIFE,

FULL OF WONDERS.

xxx

crap

Have you ever felt incomplete. Like there's a hole unfilled inside of you and you're wondering all over, running your daily life, like an empty vessel, a pure lost container without it's soul.You just want to fill it with something.

And yet you don't even what suits for that something.

I feel empty, in a way.

It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like childhood.

It taste like adulthood.

That every steps that I take people are pushing me to do things that I wouldn't imagine been doing 5 years ago.

People are pushing me to do the right thing.

I am picking up my responsibilities

I am acknowledging me.

As a growing teenager = adult.

Which ain't all fun.

So in a way I feel empty. Because my fillings before this was fun, rebel, stirring in my own way by my own definition. Having fun almost all the time. I mean that's me. 

Even if some might say that my definition of having fun is not really they're definition of having fun but it's okay. I mean my fun will be my fun I don't care what you think.

What am I babbling about, I don't know.

Basically I'm nervous. With all of this, life here is so unpredictable that every single move that I take rains with hundreds of possibilities.

Ain't that nerve-wrecking?