My First Crib

Hey guys!

Hope you guys are doing well, perhaps not perfect due to this global pandemic, but Insha Allah, well enough to adjust living with this new norm. It's been almost 8 months of me living alone, in a studio at Cyberjaya. It's a semi-furnished studio, with furnished cabinet kitchen, an electric stove, washing machine and the most important thing of all, a fridge. Because I have everything else, I decided to take a semi-furnished studio, because it's a lot cheaper, and the extra money is used to buy more things to complement my mini house. I bought my own sofa bed, a dining table for four, a kitchen rack, kitchen utensils, and a very big mirror (solely just because I'm a girl). My generous brother gave me his tv set, with a coffee table and then voila, my crib finally feels perfect. It's not much, but just enough, and I do well with just enough.

The view from my balcony.

A very weird combination of colors, but most of the stuff is given to me so yeah.

My tiny kitchen section.

The big mirror with a cute little tv just for me to watch netflix (through my laptop)

I always wanted to live alone. I wanted to know how it feels when I'm truly alone; will I be able to find myself? I always think that I'm different when I'm with other people, but not when I'm alone. I wanted to know how my own thoughts work in silence, without any external presence. And so I love the idea, of living with my own self, with my own thoughts, with my own ego. I wanted to see how I'd live.

So how do I live?

It's fun to know you have a place all to yourself, you can decide whatever you want to do, and no one judges you. You come back home and you don't have to pretend that everything was alright. It was hella fun at the beginning. But afterwards, after all the excitement kicks in, it started to feel a bit empty. I mean, how can a studio with a space of 450 sq ft feel so big when you're alone?

And then I realized, I have tried to avoid listening to the voices inside of me (not just my head, I'm pretty sure I'm mentally alright) and prefer to listen to others. It started to feel suffocating. The voices, they keep on coming to you, and this time there's no distraction to pull you away because you're alone, there's no annoying friend that barges into your room for no reason just to ask what you're doing. Or a mother, nagging at you for certain matters that you have no idea what it's about. It's just you, and your thoughts.

The thing with our thoughts are, even though most of the time;  it's just our insecurities talking and playing the role of a narrator, sometimes the truth takes over and narrates things you don't want to hear, because as we all know, truth hurts, well at least most of the time.

After 8 months; I finally found myself;

I found that I am demotivated most of the time, and I am going along with the tick tock of time. I have no idea how long I can persist this, but I hope sooner, I'll find the motivated, cheerful and lovestruck towards living version of me. And the transition doesn't need to be fast, I just need it to be constant.

Well, that was some depressing shit, aite? But well, c'est la vie. I pray that everyone else found your inner motivated self, and take care of your mental health! I know time is rough, especially nowadays, confronting an invisible enemy every day. Take a deep breath, count to 4, and then hold to 4, release during the 4 and hold again for 4. It helps, Insha Allah.

See you guys again soon!

2019 Burrito.

Recap on 2019

I’m in the office, with no more task at hand. So here I am, thinking that I should not waste anymore of my time, and start writing. So, I’d figured that I will try my best to recap as many great and best moments in 2019. In no particular order at all, here we go:

1. Went to Singapore twice. One with my best friend and another one with my sibs, partying 2019 away at USS.
2. Passed my Company Exam on the first try(!) to verify my position in the company. Which is awesome, as the exam was excruciatingly annoying and very school-like. My hand and my brain hurt for the span of 3 days. But I guess staying late to do flash revision (the only revision I did is a night before the exam) is totally worth it. 
3. Reunion with my Cardiff girls! Best weekend ever. I totally missed Alia’s chatter and izyan clinginess as well as Dayah’s blur expressions. Totally my babies. Tried to find Aina, but I guess we need to let her be, in her own space and her own time, and gradually if she wanted to come back at us, we’ll be here. The trip to find her ended with tears and sobbing but I guess that’s just how life is. Some people stay, some just ghost away. And it’s okay. We’ll be okay.
4. Constant meetup with my bebigels at KL! Have a meetup with rabbiaa, aini’s (a few times, love this one so much), nurul, and azuin!! (order is based on how far they are from me lol).
5. Knowing my best friend is knocked up! And I’m going to be aunty faz soon! It’s crazy how the timeline differed for each one of us. Also, my best friend is getting married soon! So excited, we’re all growing up.
6. In a relationship for the first time. (still can’t believe this happened after 4 years).
7. Actually, managed to write a book! All on my own? Even if it’s for my company (lol) And getting it published around the first or second week of 2020. Crazy shit.
8. Ayah get to do his first umrah! So so so so happy for him!
9. Managed to spend for my loved ones. Providing them with accommodation, treating them to dinner and lunch whenever I wanted is a blessing.
10. Bought my first car?! I named her V, and it’s a she obviously because yall know somehow, I’m quite a feminist, and that I love girls a tad bit too much. (some people probably think I’m gay lol)

Well, I guess life went pretty okay this year. My take out for 2019? Slow. It’s very very slow. My life is always fast paced, and so sitting in the office and having to figure out what I should do is, kinda torturing. It’s a slow torture. But nevertheless, it was a great year.

I found out that I am capable of liking someone, and maybe worthy of love too. I’m getting there, still needed a lottttttt to improve, but I’m trying to break my wall, bit by bit. With a pace of a sloth, there’s no denying that.

Just the usual bunch, me and my favorite sister on vacation mode at Grand Lexis (splendid place btw, such love). Akak was so 'comot', so I try to fix her while nagging, as per usual haha.

Hopefully in 2020, I’ll be a cheetah. I’ll be better.

Maybe I’ll be worthy.

Happy New Year everyone! xx