Closing the curtain of 2014

Assalamualaikum, sorry for neglecting you iLady, I've been somehow preoccupied by certain things, some call it as procrastination and well, I just happen to call it as an art of relaxing myself (just me trying to make myself feel better). And I'm sorry because I have my own personal tumblr now and I've neglected you, I guess I've lost my mojo on writing long post.

But hey, I'm here now, so let's do this.

In exactly 2 hours away, we will be leaving 2014 and thus a new chapter begins.

I would like to do some throwback, god this sounded so cliche on 2014, about what happen and how it have affect me.

So, what happens in 2014?

Well first off, WAJADIRI SABAH wuhuuuuuu!

God, I've no words to express how this one trip meant the whole transition of me being from a regular awkward high school girl to just a normal college girl. Wajadiri Sabah is basically the best thing that's ever happen to me. Hands up. I mean despite all the drama and the pain and the suffering of being scold at and being in a constant pain every single day for a straight 3 weeks, I mean I would've never thought that I could survive that kind of hell at the first place. I mean I was fat and sloppy and heavy and having to perform silat and wanting to give the best, and to sort that out, or to balance it, honey you gotta shed some skin, I mean perhaps it felt like that, like I was peeling my skin off and starting off as someone new.

What happens at Sabah? Well I thought of wanting things to be like, 'what happens at Sabah stays at Sabah' but I needed to remember this, I mean I would never forget it but just for my own memoir, I'll tell you what happens there.

I met new people. I become a crook that uses my 'tongkat' or 'crane' but it's just a small piece of bamboo I guess, I mean one small and one very big and large, and I carried it with me back and forth the training, sleep with it, eat it with it, train myself to be very skilful in hands with it. And yet I still failed to bring back any medal, but I guess that's my own fault, maybe I wasn't really giving my best or maybe silat wasn't the best for me but I like it at that time so it's okay.

Gosh a lot of things happens there. Few attempts of flirt, which is by that time is the most funniest thing ever. certain people fight over me *I'm REALLY not bragging* few rumours and all that.

And a certain particular guy already got married, that is by far the most WOW thing that ever happens in my life, and still happening I guess. Seriously I feel like certain character in a regular novel, I'm just a side-character though haahahaha.

Second:

Missing one handsome guy.

Arwah atuk.

This year is the most hectic year I've ever had in my life. It has a very happy beginning. IT WAS FUN, SABAH AND ALL. And then abang comes home. WHICH IS MORE FUN.

And then life struck me down one by one.

My second sem result was a disaster. I was basically frantic, afraid of losing the sight of my focus at that time. Afraid of losing sight of my goal. Mama got sick, like seriously sick.

Until I can't even cry in front of her because I don't want her to be more sick.

And then my aunt got into a fight and his husband walk away, and having to watch this tiny two little midgets, just begging for some love they believed have slipped away when they weren't looking.

And then grandpa falls down.

Which I never get to say goodbye. Which I never get to say how much I love him. Which I never got to see the last look on his face, which I never got the opportunity to let him know that I love him and he was never a burden to me.

That I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM so much that it hurts now cause I can't say that anymore to him.

Damn, now tears all over my keyboard.

And I'm growing up now.

I'm seeing lives being born and taken away.

I've learned from my mistakes; to never take for granted, this little things of showing how much you love someone.

Cause you'll never know, how one day you'll never get the chance to say that again.

And then I was depressed, and I left my silat group. 

Which some of the people in there were wondering why? And I never told them, but I guess I know why now.

Because whenever I saw them, or be with them I'll remember all those happiness I've been through.

And all those feelings of guilt rush through me like a tornado.

This feelings of guilt I throw upon me whenever I see them, cause I don't deserve anymore happiness, because I lost that one chance to give happiness to my grandpa, and I failed to do that.

I failed to look happy whenever I'm with him, not that I'm not.

I failed to express how happy I am to be with him.

Therefore I don't deserve anymore happiness afterwards.

I guess that's why.

I love you atuk.
I guess I always wanted to say that, but I'm a little bit late. Will you forgive me?

or maybe all I need is to forgive myself.

Allahurabbi.

2014 is a hell of a ride.

But is it a crappy year?

Well, I think it's definitely a majestic year.

Where I found You back.

Where I learned sorrow and darkness.

Where I learned how life would be.

So thankyou to everyone.

Thank you for this 'something-else' year.

Thank you for letting me be here still.

Thank you for painting me, with all the colours that you have, onto me.

And 2015....
Well, I just hope that I'll live.

not a redundant

You know what?

We were never the same person we thought we were.

Even one second ago.

We're constantly in this phase of motion.

It's not necessarily though that this motion moves forward,

it could also be a reverse. But whatever what it is, we're in motion.

We're changing. All the time.

And like all of you have realized, it's already december of 2014.

I'm sorry though that this blog have been rusty. I've getting a little bit rusty but nevermind I'm writing now.

Season changes. And so do people.

But changes are what shaped us homo sapiens to become a survivor.

but straight to the point now. 

I have less than a year, of having this probability that I'll fly to UK if and only if the world still remains the same. And I can see that my parents are freaking out. They have envisioned that I'll be leaving them, and one way or another, this breaks their heart. 

My mom and my dad is not the type that constrict their children into what they want. We were raised to become dreamers. To be whatever we want to be, we were taught the world is limitless. That's the best thing about loving them and to be love unconditionally by them. And I knew that having their daughter, I mean the youngest daughter to leave them behind, after their eldest one found his way out somewhere in Colorado, shipping this little girl ain't gonna be all that rainbows or cotton candy. I knew that from the start. I knew the hints that they give even before I started to apply for my scholarship. I knew it all along.

And I knew if I'm a good daughter I wouldn't continue. I would stop by then right there and be here with them. But I also knew that I'm not that much of a good daughter. 

I am the rebellious type, I always go against whatever people expect me to be. I don't know why but I just do. But I also know that this decision of wanting to go away have nothing to do with wanting my old folks to get hurt, it's more than that actually. 

I want more. I know I can be content with just being here with my parents and make them happy. And I know making them happy is every source of happiness I could ever get. 

But I also believe in making more than my old folks happy.

I wanted to do good to a lot more people.

So I needed this.

I needed to go out. I needed experience cause I am so lacking in that field of expertise.

And living on my own. 

Getting out there and having everything thrown onto my plate is what I need.

I need to become a fighter.

For me.

and for them.

The best thing about my crazy old folks (my best definition of crazy not that they are) is that they always fight for us. I was shown with various of battles, not in literal though, but battles of life. And they show me upfront like a HD tv and I know that they are real. That all these battles are real and one day, I am gonna be the one that's going to be in combat.

I'm preparing myself for battle wounds and scars.

And my parents knew that, that is the thing that keeps breaking them.

Because sending your kid, your children to wars; it's like having part of yourself go.

go to this endless turbulent and storm.

but it's okay ma.

it's okay ayah.

I'm not the same little girl I used to be anymore.

I've been through small battles too, I've scars all over me.

I will be your strong little girl.

I will become a fighter for you.

xxx