Closing the curtain of 2014

Assalamualaikum, sorry for neglecting you iLady, I've been somehow preoccupied by certain things, some call it as procrastination and well, I just happen to call it as an art of relaxing myself (just me trying to make myself feel better). And I'm sorry because I have my own personal tumblr now and I've neglected you, I guess I've lost my mojo on writing long post.

But hey, I'm here now, so let's do this.

In exactly 2 hours away, we will be leaving 2014 and thus a new chapter begins.

I would like to do some throwback, god this sounded so cliche on 2014, about what happen and how it have affect me.

So, what happens in 2014?

Well first off, WAJADIRI SABAH wuhuuuuuu!

God, I've no words to express how this one trip meant the whole transition of me being from a regular awkward high school girl to just a normal college girl. Wajadiri Sabah is basically the best thing that's ever happen to me. Hands up. I mean despite all the drama and the pain and the suffering of being scold at and being in a constant pain every single day for a straight 3 weeks, I mean I would've never thought that I could survive that kind of hell at the first place. I mean I was fat and sloppy and heavy and having to perform silat and wanting to give the best, and to sort that out, or to balance it, honey you gotta shed some skin, I mean perhaps it felt like that, like I was peeling my skin off and starting off as someone new.

What happens at Sabah? Well I thought of wanting things to be like, 'what happens at Sabah stays at Sabah' but I needed to remember this, I mean I would never forget it but just for my own memoir, I'll tell you what happens there.

I met new people. I become a crook that uses my 'tongkat' or 'crane' but it's just a small piece of bamboo I guess, I mean one small and one very big and large, and I carried it with me back and forth the training, sleep with it, eat it with it, train myself to be very skilful in hands with it. And yet I still failed to bring back any medal, but I guess that's my own fault, maybe I wasn't really giving my best or maybe silat wasn't the best for me but I like it at that time so it's okay.

Gosh a lot of things happens there. Few attempts of flirt, which is by that time is the most funniest thing ever. certain people fight over me *I'm REALLY not bragging* few rumours and all that.

And a certain particular guy already got married, that is by far the most WOW thing that ever happens in my life, and still happening I guess. Seriously I feel like certain character in a regular novel, I'm just a side-character though haahahaha.

Second:

Missing one handsome guy.

Arwah atuk.

This year is the most hectic year I've ever had in my life. It has a very happy beginning. IT WAS FUN, SABAH AND ALL. And then abang comes home. WHICH IS MORE FUN.

And then life struck me down one by one.

My second sem result was a disaster. I was basically frantic, afraid of losing the sight of my focus at that time. Afraid of losing sight of my goal. Mama got sick, like seriously sick.

Until I can't even cry in front of her because I don't want her to be more sick.

And then my aunt got into a fight and his husband walk away, and having to watch this tiny two little midgets, just begging for some love they believed have slipped away when they weren't looking.

And then grandpa falls down.

Which I never get to say goodbye. Which I never get to say how much I love him. Which I never got to see the last look on his face, which I never got the opportunity to let him know that I love him and he was never a burden to me.

That I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM so much that it hurts now cause I can't say that anymore to him.

Damn, now tears all over my keyboard.

And I'm growing up now.

I'm seeing lives being born and taken away.

I've learned from my mistakes; to never take for granted, this little things of showing how much you love someone.

Cause you'll never know, how one day you'll never get the chance to say that again.

And then I was depressed, and I left my silat group. 

Which some of the people in there were wondering why? And I never told them, but I guess I know why now.

Because whenever I saw them, or be with them I'll remember all those happiness I've been through.

And all those feelings of guilt rush through me like a tornado.

This feelings of guilt I throw upon me whenever I see them, cause I don't deserve anymore happiness, because I lost that one chance to give happiness to my grandpa, and I failed to do that.

I failed to look happy whenever I'm with him, not that I'm not.

I failed to express how happy I am to be with him.

Therefore I don't deserve anymore happiness afterwards.

I guess that's why.

I love you atuk.
I guess I always wanted to say that, but I'm a little bit late. Will you forgive me?

or maybe all I need is to forgive myself.

Allahurabbi.

2014 is a hell of a ride.

But is it a crappy year?

Well, I think it's definitely a majestic year.

Where I found You back.

Where I learned sorrow and darkness.

Where I learned how life would be.

So thankyou to everyone.

Thank you for this 'something-else' year.

Thank you for letting me be here still.

Thank you for painting me, with all the colours that you have, onto me.

And 2015....
Well, I just hope that I'll live.

not a redundant

You know what?

We were never the same person we thought we were.

Even one second ago.

We're constantly in this phase of motion.

It's not necessarily though that this motion moves forward,

it could also be a reverse. But whatever what it is, we're in motion.

We're changing. All the time.

And like all of you have realized, it's already december of 2014.

I'm sorry though that this blog have been rusty. I've getting a little bit rusty but nevermind I'm writing now.

Season changes. And so do people.

But changes are what shaped us homo sapiens to become a survivor.

but straight to the point now. 

I have less than a year, of having this probability that I'll fly to UK if and only if the world still remains the same. And I can see that my parents are freaking out. They have envisioned that I'll be leaving them, and one way or another, this breaks their heart. 

My mom and my dad is not the type that constrict their children into what they want. We were raised to become dreamers. To be whatever we want to be, we were taught the world is limitless. That's the best thing about loving them and to be love unconditionally by them. And I knew that having their daughter, I mean the youngest daughter to leave them behind, after their eldest one found his way out somewhere in Colorado, shipping this little girl ain't gonna be all that rainbows or cotton candy. I knew that from the start. I knew the hints that they give even before I started to apply for my scholarship. I knew it all along.

And I knew if I'm a good daughter I wouldn't continue. I would stop by then right there and be here with them. But I also knew that I'm not that much of a good daughter. 

I am the rebellious type, I always go against whatever people expect me to be. I don't know why but I just do. But I also know that this decision of wanting to go away have nothing to do with wanting my old folks to get hurt, it's more than that actually. 

I want more. I know I can be content with just being here with my parents and make them happy. And I know making them happy is every source of happiness I could ever get. 

But I also believe in making more than my old folks happy.

I wanted to do good to a lot more people.

So I needed this.

I needed to go out. I needed experience cause I am so lacking in that field of expertise.

And living on my own. 

Getting out there and having everything thrown onto my plate is what I need.

I need to become a fighter.

For me.

and for them.

The best thing about my crazy old folks (my best definition of crazy not that they are) is that they always fight for us. I was shown with various of battles, not in literal though, but battles of life. And they show me upfront like a HD tv and I know that they are real. That all these battles are real and one day, I am gonna be the one that's going to be in combat.

I'm preparing myself for battle wounds and scars.

And my parents knew that, that is the thing that keeps breaking them.

Because sending your kid, your children to wars; it's like having part of yourself go.

go to this endless turbulent and storm.

but it's okay ma.

it's okay ayah.

I'm not the same little girl I used to be anymore.

I've been through small battles too, I've scars all over me.

I will be your strong little girl.

I will become a fighter for you.

xxx

clean slate 3.0

It's 8.17 pm. 

On a not-so-quiet Tuesday night.

And I am done with my third sem at Intec. Alhamdulillah I have survived the hassle of being a wreckage at the beginning of the sem just because I didn't pass my pointer which I did later on when I excel my supp paper (which cost RM200) so it better be worth it and thank god it is worth it. This also brings me to the state of mind that if you don't study for college, you're not gonna pass through that easily like you did at high school and honey high school is soooooooooooo different from college and I guess I just need to suck it up. I don't know why, I'm still at this state of mind that I'm 17. Not trying to claim that I am evergreen or having a spur of moment; everlasting youth. It's just that, I'm stuck at being 17. I'm stuck at the idea of 17. I guess I never once imagined myself over 17.

So yes, everything that happens now. Is out of my imagination.

Out of my mind control.

Out of my expectation.

And I have never imagined that I've survived one year and a half of college.

Which marks 2 years I've been out of school.

And I never felt like I've blinked you know. 

And holidays does not in any way to be define as slacking back relax and making myself fat anymore for this sem break.

It is being redefined as study your ass off because AS external is on its way and honey it is as fast as it can get, like a bullet train.

Thinking about how things turns out as how it is now, makes me wonder.

I mean I imagined life as it is before I turned 17. But now that I've gotten over it, my mind couldn't keep pace with the reality.

That in a few months I'll be thousand of miles away from home.

And that is very very..... terrifying.

and with all this things going on, I just.

Just.

Am not sure how to handle things.

Just.

Am not sure of what's happening.

It's just.

Just.

I don't know how to be me anymore.

Or if I'm being one.

I guess time and age kinda messed up your mind.

And I'm not even sure for how long it'll be.

I just

hope I can get through.

p/s: I have a tumblr which I just created for short writings. I have one before but that is just for reblogging. and maybe I'll be less active here. Just saying, don't miss me okay?

Courage

This come randomly in my head one night.

I guess it was last night.

Kenduri tahlil for arwah atuk was held last night and as usual, family gathers.

And I've met my cousins, and it was lovely in a way.

But this little cousin of mine is just 11 years old and she was excited as she came back from her school camp. Which kinda brought me walking down a memory lane, of me myself when I was exactly 12 years old and having my first camp at a jungle. The camp was torturous in a way but the most adventurous camp I've ever been in my whole life (as it turns out I haven't got the chance to go camping at any jungle after that). My cousin, her name is Maria, and she told her exciting stories, of course nevertheless, the most exciting thing a for things to happen in a camp is ghost stories.

And I remembered mine, having to walk on my own. In the jungle, we were prepared a road, so dark that all I could see is the moon light and the dim light from the street lamps that is located so far away from one another. 

I remembered being scared, but I also remembered not crying, not flinching, not girl-like at all.

And I remembered, seeing someone in the wood besides me, giving away sounds I did not recognized.

But the me at that age have grown more than usual. I've instantly put a label to any sound or anything that I've saw to be something artificial. Something that my teachers would do for fun. I've put away fear because I believed fear would only draw these creatures closer to me.

And now when I'm older I kind of realized that, I wasn't being brave. I was just trying to be safe. My mind protected me to not give in into my fear. That there are nobody out there who is fearless. We all fear something, we all have something to be scared of.

But how we managed our fear, is what is supposed some people call as courage.

And during that time I guess, I was so fearful that I tell myself to manage my fears, so that I can be safe.

And I guess over time, I've managed to cope up with having myself managing my fears. If there's something that I'm afraid of, my mind will think of a way to escape, to manage that fears. It could be me facing the fears or the other way around, but whatever it is, I'd know that it's a way that I'm trying to keep myself safe.

That we human, always just wanted to keep ourselves safe.

To live.

And to survive.

Prochnost.

And I hope from time to time, I'll learn to be more braver, to conquer my fear more and to overcome every obstacles there is infront of me.

Let's be wild creatures.

Disembark from this sea of emotions.

Be a conqueror.

And live. 

scars

Hey everyone.

I've been in my holiday mood since last Thursday.

I am here now at JB with my beloved, a luxury I can never say no to.

So like usual, holiday is always connected with me watching my series, being at home doing some gemuk-fication. Bullies my mom and my sister, reading books and of course, shutting the outer world.

Me being happy in my bubble wrap.

That's what holiday means to me.

So. I just really wanted to update my blog but I don't really have anything to talk about. Which is funny because I've always have something to complain about and then motivated myself back. I mean this is the whole purpose of my blog. To pour out and to retain myself back.

I have so many things to say about what happen before holiday but then past is past so I'm not really that eager-ish to share the stories. And I guess some people are meant to be story tellers and some people are meant to be a listener and I'm maybe more to the later.

But the night before raya haji, we have a ladies night.

Me, akak and mama. Pouring our heart out. In total darkness.

Basically that's what I do when I met akak after a long time we haven't seen each other.

My best of best of friend is my sister, and also my mother.

I guess blood is blood.

and I guess what I learned in that total darkness, is that the scar I have when I was a kid.

I meant as indirect scar which is my childhood year being ruined by some, immature boys that acted like brats, do impact me in a way I never recognizes.

I cried in that total darkness, 

I thought the pain had gone away but it's still there in the back of my head.

My mom questioned the fact that I've never told here after all these times, and I have no words. All I knew was that I thought during that time it is something that I have to handle on my own. That it's only some kids act and nothing to be worried about.

But I guess it hurts in a way.

And maybe because I was keeping it all in that it explodes one fine day.

And that day happens to be few nights before this night.

almost ten years later or more.

I was sexually harassed when I was six.

It's not really a big deal but yes,I was six, and I had to deal with this thing on my own.

And I guess I still have some vendetta against these memories.

I haven't let it go.

I haven't learn on how to really really let go.

maybe one day I'll learn to appreciate my scars.

And I hope that one day can come soon.

audacity.

Audacity. Arrogance.

is somehow near to act of ignorance. I think. When people associate those who ignored someone or something as arrogant. As an act of arrogance.

Right.

Somehow I'm in this enigma.

When I'm being myself and people thought of me as being arrogant.

I always tell myself not to care too much on what people are going to say about me.

That it's okay to say no.

But it is still a hard thing to do.

I often hardly decline what other people want me to do.

Which is unhealthy, because in the end I know I need myself to be happy too.

But there is nothing more painful than having people to have bad thoughts about you.

When all you do, is to be yourself.

and this bothers me to pieces. 

It kinda aches.

Ya rabb I have You and I know You know.

This feelings came from You because You are All Knowing.

And so my Lord could you let them know in their hearts that I love them.

That I thanked you everyday for the past days I've cherished with them.

That they are gifts that I adore, that they are experience that I've always longed for.

But my Lord, 

as for you who knows everything, then you must've understand the feelings that came within.

This aching feeling, of doubt and unpleasure.

Also come in place with them.

And so in trade, I had to let them go.

I know some might think that this doesn't make sense.

But I don't need you to make sense out of me.

I need you to believe me. 

Which is funny, because that's the whole reason for all of this.

I am a hard person myself in believing.

Some people might wander why I'm acting like this.

Here I'll tell you why.

I have my trust broken so many times before.

Friends who betrayed me in the end after I showered them love.

Been isolated when I've done nothing wrong.

Bullied by boys.

Been cheated.

I've scarred to many times that I guess now I get a bit bitter.

Because I was hurt for countless numbers of times before.

And I left it in me. I kept it in me.

I never shared it with anybody and show my smile to everyone.

I grew up before time.

And unlike most of people.

I'm more realistic, I'm more bitter.

That right now all I believe is that I have Him.

and anyone else who couldn't cope up with me will eventually leave me.

So I became this little lady,

who will not care if you want to walk away from me.

I'll just see.

I'm lost now.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

I never regain back that confidence to have faith in anyone ever again.

trust me, pain mould you into something you'd never understand.

And in a contradict way it also makes you unfamiliar with your own pain.

You become numb.

And for my case I'm always numb.

But one day if all my feelings come rushing, that's when I know hell break loose.

Even my brother could not handle it when I cried.

My sister could never handle it when I cried.

These two veins of mines will cry together with me if I were to drop in tears.

Because I rarely cry infront of people anymore.

and when I do it'll become unbearable.

I remember my sister saying to me, when I cried to my brother on his shoulder when I failed my result for last sem. That I sobbed so hard because that is the only time I've started to feel again.

And I remember that my brother tell me not to cry because he will start to cry to *comel kan my brother

And that later when my sister came home and I've went back to intec, he told her, "Aku tak boleh tengok adik kau nangis."

Which is also one of the reason why I hated crying.

All my feelings will be dispersed as if emotions were aura.

I'll let them go when I cry.

See, I even have a hard time putting trust into my own family.

God knows how hard it is for me to tell you stories.

unless you're family. unless you're in my bubble wrap.

Even so I never open up my heart.

anymore and I don't know why, and I don't know when I'll open up my heart in believing more people. 

That maybe they'll stay after all.

That everything will become better.

Maybe one day.

Maybe not now.

And I guess it's okay if other people doesn't understand me.

because good Lord I got You.

And You'll understand me :)

And that's all I need.

light

Have you ever felt like a bulb?

A light bulb?

Where you shine everyday and spread your lights.

That's how I felt when I'm happy. That's what I see when people are happy.

They're like this luminous light bulb.

An everlasting light that shine when you smile genuinely.

But lately I felt like my light bulb is getting dimmer.

and I was thinking of writing about arwah atuk here but it'll be a pain I can't endure.

And resulting in me whimpering in sadness in my sleep which I reckoned maybe it can be postponed later.

Whatever it is atuk I always pray that you'll be fine and may He grant you a place within His side.

And that I'll always remember your beautiful smile and your warmness when you tell me in tears to never abandon or go against mama and ayah everytime I shake your hand asking for forgiveness during hari Raya.

And although it breaks my heart cause there's no picture with you during this eid which I never knew how it could happen this way, maybe it was a sign, or maybe it's just the way it is but I'll love you and I might not get to said good bye but it's okay I guess, I get my goodbyes when I kiss you in your sleep before I went on my bus to shah alam. Perhaps that too, was a sign. who knows?

I don't know what aches.

I don't know what strangled the oesophagus.

But what I know this feeling is killing me away.

That maybe my light bulb is getting dimmer. And maybe that's just for a while or maybe it'll be long but I don't know and what I know is that my light is slipping away.

Maybe because mama was sick.

And she's in more pain now that atuk's gone.

And that my aunty with two little child is being abandoned by her husband.

and that my grandma lost his husband, the one she's been with almost more than half her life.

And abang a thousand miles away.

Maybe the reason I am losing my light is because my own light is in pain.

My family is in pain. And that means I'm also in pain, because their blood runs in my veins.

Their pain is in fact my pain *exaggerating or not

But also I believe that pain came with endless lesson.

That everything that can't kill you makes you stronger.

That the reason He test you is because He loves you and He have faith in you.

And so I believe that all this turbulent and storm was just a minor suffering we have to go through.

I mean masya Allah, His jannah worth all these sufferings.

He himself worth all this sufferings.

And because I'm hundreds miles away from my family,

I only ask You my Lord,

to take care of them like how they took care of me.

And give them strength in all your trials.

So that they'll be happy.

And I'll be happy.

So that we can all shine again together.

So that my lights can shine again together.

And brighter.

Insha Allah :)

of love.

Tonight is the night when I crave for words.

When I wanted to pour my emotions into syllabus.

Tonight is my night.

Tonight is when I wanted to talk about feelings and emotions.

Of love.

I am a lovable person I guess. And so does everyone else.

I mean I love love. They're... if to be describe are like this fluffy feelings that keeps you floating.

And in general I guess I am loved, so by people around me and I thanked him everyday for that.

I just wanted to say that I've never experienced that feeling when you lost the one that you love.

And I never know how I will deal with that in the future.

I have endured failures.

I have endured bullying.

I have endured public humiliation.

I have endured people lying to me when they said they love me.

But I have never been in the situation where I will lost my loved ones.

And I never wanted to be in.

But that is not my choice.

In fact it is not a choice.

I have to went through with it someday.

No matter what.

So what trigger tonight's topic? Nothing technically just having a walkdown memory lane.

One of the reasons I have this huge humongous ego when it comes to loving someone, is probably because I was bullied when I was a kid, into maybe, idk having trust issues with guys? maybe. But mostly because I have my trust crumpled before by a guy who technically saying that he liked me and at the same time liked my best friend too.

Which is confusing and also crushing down someone's self esteem which is to say is me.

Hence technically proved at that time that a guy's love is very very deceiving.

and over time, yes. 

It is proven upon my eyes.

But also over time I kind of learn to know humans behaviour.

And despite my age, I have tried to understand most of people situations and try to fit in their shoes.

TRY. not literally fit in.

so over time I learned that maybe guys are somehow, indecisive.

that they like to keep their options open.

That somehow this is their nature.

But it goes totally the opposite way to me as I believe love, in it's own nature is one.

And that is why we have only one heart and not two nor three.

So I believe in a complete monopoly of the one that you love.

so technically I have to understand both and adapt into it. And so I did.

But also that makes me believe, or more accurately, strengthen my believe to not trust any guy until he is THE ONE.

Which is basically why I am heartless in a way now.

but that's just the side stories.

Here's the real deal.

My grandpa is sick.

Before this he is sick too, he had a stroke. Which is mild, cause he can still move, but hardly can move 100% of his left parts but yes he can still walk around.

But lately after my brother left for US, he got sicker day by day.

My grandpa couldn't walk and so he is weaker.

And nothing can break my heart seeing him like that.

And I don't know if this makes me a bad person but I have readied myself for the worst to come.

It aches, but the thought or the idea is there.

I just want to say that I'm not that heartless.

This heartless girl is basically just a girl who were once hurt.

But she's not heartless, she's just cautious.

If I'm heartless, I wouldn't feel so much pain right now leaving my family behind.

Watching my mom cried every time I have to go back here at intec.

It kills me.

IT LITERALLY KILLED ME.

I died a thousand time over when I see her cried.

and after all this incidents that happen in my life I realized there's much more to love that just about monopoly or between a guy or a girl.

Love is just......

love.

Your soul picked the one you love.

Your soul adapt to it.

Your soul become one.

And to have some parts of your soul leave you, how would that feel?

I think it will feels as if your soul being ripped apart.

So here I hope you can make a dua for my grandpa and my mama.

For both to be healthy soon.

And for me to be stronger too :)

Thankyou.

sombong.

Some said that I have changed, that I've become somebody else. 

That I've been shutting off people because I can.

Simply put maybe people think that I was being superior, and arrogant.

Maybe.

OR maybe that is just how I think.

Well the thing is it's not that I'm being arrogant, but this is somehow the other side of me.

I did not changed, I just show you the other side of me.

I never said that I was the type who is outgoing all the time, I did not said that I can tolerate whatever it is without limitation.

I have my own pace at my own agenda.

I am full with secrets.

I guess we all are universe full with secrets.

Therefore I am sorry for hurting anybody.

But here I am to clarify, that I am not being arrogant.

I am being me :)

And for the rest,

you can go ahead and judge me.

Little heaven.

Hai

It's been quite long since my last entry.

And today I'm gonna rant it all out.

I'm going to tell you about my family, the whole beauty of my family.

First off, ayah.

What about ayah?

Ayah is my definition of a perfect guy? why? Because he is downright funny, good-looking, had the most noble heart and the most patient and understanding guy I've ever met in my whole entire life. My dad love my mom the way she is, my mom is not a cook-person, she did not cook, rarely as in once a year, and yes my dad still love her the way she is. He did not ask her to change. Persuaded her maybe, to cook sometimes but never once it is a force or an order. No tell me where can I find this type of guy nowadays, where all they want is someone pretty and intelligent and a great cook bla bla yada yada,  as in human perfection exist. But still, when it comes to romance they said, "I'll accept you the way you are." All bullshit talk and no action.

Mama.

Is a beauty.

She is not a cooker. But she is a perfect mother. Who loves to clean the house. So if my mom is not a good cook ofc it passed down to her children but that doesn't mean that I don't want learn how to cook, I will, someday. But I doesn't need my mom's cook, all I need is her love and that is more than enough, the love that she have showered upon us, her children.

Abang.

Another definition of perfection, or my ideal type of guy perfection.

Good looking, humorous, a brilliant guy, knows how to cook very well. And love his family just the way we are. Never play with a woman's heart (wow) but most of all very very lovely. We might be apart, but we'll always be close at heart :)

Akak.

The lovely little lady, who loves to sulk, rant to me for hours about what happened to her, are perfectly rounded and cute nevertheless and now have someone waiting in line. I can't this little girl that I've been bullying since we're little have a serious guy waiting for her. And of course like me and all of my siblings, we're egoist.

None of us have a relationship until now.

I just wonder who'll be the first?

Above all.

All of this people accepted me for who I am, and I accepted them for who they are.

and,

this little heaven, is forever mine to keep.

claustrophobic

You need to know.

That sometimes when I said 'you' it might not mean a person.

When I said sea, it might meant my endless thoughts.

When I said disappearing, it might meant something else.

My words are words layered by undeciphered thoughts.

I chose to leave because I need to.
Because I want to.
Because I have to.

Because sometimes I think I need to breath.

P/s: ini cerita tentang sekelompok manusia dengan aku. Tapi mostly ini masalah aku bukan masalah sekolompok manusia tu. Aku claustrophobic. Tu masalah aku.

thin air

I hate people who suddenly walks away.

Because I felt rejected.

Without knowing why.

Therefore basically I hate myself.

As I myself,

do that a lot: walking away.

Well I'll make myself clear.

Even though my 'clear' is always still very very shady and not clear at all as I like to beat around the bushes.

cover my words layer by layer with uncertainty until you may not know what I want in real.

But that's what I'm good at.

haven't I told you I am very cunning.

Like a fox,

and somehow adapt the same cuteness they have.

hahaha ok that one is a lie.

But here's the thing.

I have a thing in my mind, an agenda that needs to be done.

Of me, fading into thin air.

But here's the thing, I don't want to hurt any soul, as it goes against my values.

But fading will definitely left a hole in the soul of my people.

And therefore here I am in a dilemma.

of either being a thin air.

or left a hole inside of my own soul.

\

I have these two options.

Of either hurting, or to get hurt.

see...

you're a bliss, and you're also a scar.

I see you and I see happiness,

but it's the kind of happiness that aches.

and I have let myself get hurt over and over again that I can no longer let myself aches.

so you're the happiness that aches.

And I have to let you go.

Will you let me disappear into thin air?

roda

Hidup ni roda.
Kejap awak dekat atas.
Kejap awak dekat bawah.
Kadang tu roda awak boleh pancit.
Atau meletup.

Dan kali ni Allah bagi awak rasa duduk dekat bawah.
Sebab awak dah selesa sangat duduk dekat atas lama sangat kan.
Allah bagi awak rasa sakit tergelincit terkehel ni.


Awak tak payah nak salahkan sesiapa.
Even kalau awak tau ada salah orang lain ke hapa ke dah tak guna dah sekarang.
Sebab yang penting sekarang salah awak.
Awak tak fokus.
Awak tak ready.
Awak banyak sangatttttt sangatttt main.
Awak terlalu carefree.


Jadi sekarang Dia lempang awak.
Sebab Dia sayang awak.


Sakit perit tu takpayah simpan lama lama. Awak nak simpan jadi pekasam nak buat apa kan? Benda dah jadi.

Hah ni, dia bagi awak peluang kedua awak amek elok elok.
Awak buat betul betul.

Dan kalau.
Andai kata kalau.

Awak memang takde rezeki dekat situ.
Awak redha lah.
Walaupun pahit awak telan lah.
Awak kan kuat.

Mama akak semua kata awak kuat.
So kuatkan lah diri awak.
Ingat.
Yang bagi awak rezeki Dia.


Bukan orang lain.



Dan hati yang terluka.
Mohon awak sembuh cepat.
Kita ada battle lepas ni.

P/S: Oh luahan hati sbb tak lepas pointer JPA. Tu je.

suffering.

There are a lot of types of suffering. But the most common one, is being hurt.

But some of you need to know, that watching the one you love being hurt, is not only a suffering, 

it's also what I called as a torture.

I love my mama.

Despite her babbling all the times. I love her. I will always do.

I might deny her rights of getting worried about me, because I hate it when she do that.

But what can I do, that's her right for being a mama.

To worry about me, to get paranoid for me, to worry about her child.

Because it's her child.

My mama always have this panic attack, whenever I told her that I'm going somewhere adventurous.

like maybe to the woods, to the beach, to the lake, or even to hike a mountain.

She always imagine me, getting there, but not getting back home somehow.

I don't blame her imagination, for all I know maybe I got those talent of imagining too much from her.

hahaha. But yeah, you got the point. She worries. A LOT.

But I always, well how do I say, cheated on her, a little. Just a little.

Sometimes, when I have the guts.

I only told her after I went somewhere so she can't be mad at me,

so she can't envisioned me, in a total catastrophe somewhere she haven't even been.

Because she have this power, I called it 'tulah mama', when she said something bad, sometimes that something bad can happen.

Which is the precise thing I wouldn't want to happen when I want to go somewhere.

I always get into this quarrel with her.

It's not bad, it's just that it is really bad ones.

We can fight until I cried, or worse, I made her cried.

Yeah, you can call me a very derhaka daughter or whatsoever, 

but this is how we communicate, 

I always get mad at her, and so does her in another way around.

But things will always get better,

I will snapped at her, and she will to, at me.

And when that happen I will tell her everything, 

And she will tell me everything,

and that's when everything will become better.

When we are honest with each other.

I never understood my mother's approach before this.

She always wanted to be best friend with her kids.

and I love that idea, but I just don't love the idea when I report to her about something and she freaked out.

But now as I grew older, I realized what she's trying to do after all.

She's trying to keep me close.

Albeit the fact that I quarrel with her heck tonnes of times,

but in those quarrel I always knew what she feels, and she knew mine.

And that's what best friend do right?

I never get why she worries so much.

Before.

But now I get it,

I get the feeling of being helpless and hopeless when something bad happen to the one that you love.

Mama's been sick for a month, we don't even know why. We go to several clinics and hospital and every doctor said that mama is fine. But here's the deal, she's not. And she's not getting any better.

At first I thought it was just in her mind.

Mama had this way of, somehow exaggerating a lot of things. 

And I thought that she exaggerated her feelings of sickness.

That maybe it's only in her head.

so the first few weeks were when I mentally pushed her.

I asked to her to be tougher, I tell her that everything was a play of mind.

I told her about placebo effects, god I even play with psychological terms.

I told her that she's tougher than anything else.

That it's okay. That she's okay.

And she will get through this.

But she didn't.

She still get sick.

And every methods comes out. From the superstitious believes and whatnot,

we tried everything, 

ustaz coming over,

salt all over the house, for barrier  they said.

I'm not so into all of this, but that doesn't mean I won't believe it.

but until now, the thing is still the same.

Mama is still sick.

And I couldn't take it today.

So I cried. Alone, in my bedroom.

To Him, so that He can hear me, and I know He can.

And I beg, 

and I plead,

And kneel,

So that He can take away all those pain from her.

Or at least give her strength to fight it away,

because I already lost mine.

I can't take it anymore,

because I feel so hopeless and helpless,

like I'm no use to her.

Mama always come to my room, lay beside me,

asking me to massage her in which I did,

and then she will look me in the eye,

all watery,

And said "I'm so sorry I get sick."

And everytime she do that, I tell myself to keep it all in, 

don't cry you can't cry never ever dare to cry infront of her

And so I did.

I put on my smiling face, and make a joke. And said,

"Jangan begitu dong, Intan harus kuat, harus semangat" with my annoying indonesian accent.

There are this sinetron at astro Ria long ago, story about this Intan, that whenever something

bad happen to her, she will tell herself that.

And so my family members always said to each other this joke, whenever things gets hard, and it always worked.

And I tried that to myself tonight,

but I didn't work.

So I burst myself to tears.

My mom is apologizing to me for being sick.

THAT IS WRONG.

THAT IS SO WRONG 

that the reason I wanted to cry is because I was so mad and so sad and felt so helpless when she said that.

My mom always said, that her children are the pillars of her life.

She got stronger for us.

Just for us.

I might be all iron up.

I might look tough, especially infront of her.

Mama always said to me,

"You are the most hati kering punya budak"

And I always laugh and give her my kening double jerk.

And said, "Well I'm your daughter" and a wink.

But she doesn't know that I cried for her.

Because I need to be tough for her.

Because if I don't, how can she be?

Because I'm one of her pillar.

I need to be concrete.

So today here I am writing this, writing my heart out.

Just wanting to share a story with you guys, 

after I try to dry my eyes up.

so that you guys will appreciate every moments you have with your mom.

Just like how I did with mine.

And I will love your kindness, if you guys can pray for my mama to be healthy soon

:)

Thank you so much.

P/s: my mom sickness, or rather not a sickness, but it's not like cancer or whatsoever, but she's sick, and she's suffering and she's my mom and so I'm worried. That's why I really hope you guys can pray for her. I really love for her to be all healthy for this ramadhan. And thank you :)

For dreams

I have done reading TFIOS.

And currently reading  Looking For Alaska.

And I haven't even finished reading Peculiar children yet.

God I wanted to read everything yet people keep hijacking my reading spirit sprint.

And then I wanted to write.

Still wanting to write.

Even when I have absolutely no idea what to talk about.

So today, I went to legoland. 

For the first time, contrary to the fact that I lived at JB and I should have went there long time ago, but I didn't, in fact I didn't even went in the Legoland I mean the main theme park we just walk along the mall they have there, mind to tell you the ticket to enter legoland is extremely expensive, well in my kind of sense. I could not afford such luxury for a temporary happiness.

I can afford a free permanent happiness and memories if I wanted too.

And besides, Legoland is more to kids fairy land kind of sort.

USS might sounds more better though, even if it kinda cost the same or even might be higher.

So as I was walking along the mall and streets of legoland,

I mean this glorified theme park lego-based and everything,

and when I was in the car and saw how my city, my JB city have changed a LOT.

I just couldn't resist of this feeling of nostalgia and somehow this feeling of lost.

Like it seems to me I lost something.

Like something is never going to be the same.

Like with this whole urbanisation, there's a bit of my soul were taken with it.

And then I realised that I was having this kind of panic attack.

This feelings of wanting things to stay the way they were before.

This feeling of fear.

Of not wanting to grow up 

Even when I am in the process of it.

But it's not the feeling of fear or the resentment of the whole glorifying-the-city project or whatsoever

that I want to emphasize here.

It's the feeling that I get, when I see my city changing to a more vibrant colours.

That I feel like,

"This is it."

That this is why I needed to be more successful, be more hardworking.

To chase whatever it is that I wanted to be, whatever I have dreamt of,

and it's not really for the sake of the city 

or even for the reason that my city might've changed so much that I needed to keep pace with it.

It's just that I felt,

if my city can changed so much,

if all these people can think so much on how to improve and bring comfort to other people,

let's toss aside the materialistic matter for awhile now shall we?

I mean if they can work so hard in making the dreams of other people come true,

why can't I try my best to make sure that my dreams will come true too?

I mean,

why not?

P/s: For dreams.

Flaws

So here are a list of some of my "flaws".

1. sepet
2. suara helium
3. average height
4. tanned
5. have this weird smile
6. laugh at almost everything, even the slightest thing I think was funny even if it's a grave matter
7. Care at certain time, not all the time. I sometimes think that enough is enough. Simply saying I'm not that caring sangat kinda person, but I'll poke my nose to your business if I needed to.
8. have this fear of commitment
9. hate frogs
10. claustrophobic
11. kinda awkward at the first encounter
12. avid procrastinator
13. hated PDA, no hate is a strong word how about dislike?
14. conveyed my feelings through writing much more better than speaking it
15. bodoh maths
16. tak suka jog, malas senam
17. I don't plan anything in my life I just do what I want to do
18. I don't even finance or manage my money for god sake
19. I eat what I want regarding the prices.
20. which basically means I'm dumb and careless
21. hated zombies
22. can't watch psychotic movies because I'll have nightmares and starting to question the humanity
23. fear of commitment.

..... and more to go.

BUT.

I love all of my flaws.

And to those who do love them and still stick with me.

Thank you :)

Pace.

You know what it's freaking 3.11 am in the morning and tomorrow I might go to BBW at Danga City Mall, and here I am ranting in my blog. And, um I don't even know why. 

All my family members have went to sleep.

And here I am.

I don't even know why I just feel the urge and need to write.

You see I'm having this self conflict where I debate with myself.

I always think in one way or another I have changed.

That maybe,

I'm different than before, heck that's the whole purpose saying that I've changed.

Arjuna Beta - Fynn Jamal is currently singing at the background

But you know what?

Maybe after all I did not changed.

That maybe I thought that I've changed but I'm not.

It's just in my head, what if that is what I want to think of?

What if all this was just me, assuring myself that I have progressed further, than just merely adapting and fitting in into the society? But the fact was the total opposite?

I thought I was braver, but.. really, wasn't I just delaying myself, or holding myself from something greater, or in other exact words, doesn't it look like I was just hiding.

From the bitter truth of reality?

Maybe after all I'm still scared.

Maybe after all I'm still being overly protective.

Maybe after all, I'm still this little girl inside me who have it a little bit hard during my childhood period.

Maybe after all I'm just killing time. 

Or buying it.

Funny, how this two sentence totally meant differently but can fit into one.

Because If I am killing time then it will be wasting the whole purpose or effort.

And If I were buying some time, it'll meant that I put all my effort into it.

And then the irony is you can't even kill or buy time.

Such wonders, huh?

I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it or to a certain point now I am starting to question my existence, which is pretty bad, I guess that's what you get after such a long holiday and you were being non-productive person, as I am eating and sleeping constantly like it is a mantra or a beauty charm I have to perform everyday.

What are you doing faz?

The truth is I felt so frustrated with myself.

Day by day I told myself to become better, but yet I don't feel like it.

I wanted to change to be a better muslimah and I still feel like I'm not even putting an effort.

And I see these pretty ladies, with determination and such grace, trying to change day by day to become better.

And here I am.

I'm not even sure if I'm falling backwards or I'm just stumbling down, 

or am I even going further?

You see I wanna go further, but I also wanna go with my own pace.

But sometimes I worried, 

What if my own pace won't make it in time?

You see

In the end,

It's all about my ego.

You have choices in life, 

to do, or not to do.

Choose carefully.

Because that's when everything else starts next.

P/s: I little bit of a self sentap emo advice at the middle of the night. Or morning I supposed.

A-level

I don't know which one is scarier.

The thought of me doing A-level.

Or

The thought of me not doing A-level.

I think both are my greatest nightmare.

So it's already June and I'm still here, not starting any revision at all.

Which is bad. Like really really bad. With the news of AS that we have to take this upcoming January.

And IELTS this October or August I'm not sure between those two. *truth is I don't pay attention in class*

Or maybe after all I am afraid of what the future holds.

When I shouldn't.

I mean I have no right to be worried, when I make no effort at all.

*Dush sebijik kena kat batang hidung*

One moment it seems to absurd, I mean all of this, the subjects and the papers.

Sometimes they make no sense at all.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing here, I'm not supposed to learn all this, I'm supposed to take up psychology, where minimum numbers required to be learn, and yet here I am back to square one, having to learn maths plus account all over again.

It's like a war that never ends.

Sometimes it gets to a point where everything kill me on the inside, I just asked myself, "Why did I choose this path at the first place?"

I questioned myself.

Where I know I shouldn't. 

Sigh.

But we human can never stop playing the what-ifs 

It's just in the nature.

I asked myself why didn't I take BEN at the first place at UIA wouldn't things be easier?

I mean it's the course that I like, it's English it's about writing what more could I ask?

But you know what?

I have answers for all that.

If I didn't take up this offer, I wouldn't be in Intec, I wouldn't be knowing such great, out-of-space classmates, great people, great silatmate, great organisations, great seniors, great experience that have taught me now, of being someone braver than I was before.

Exposing me to things I never imagined I can do

And besides,

Doesn't He put you on a certain place for a reason?

Indeed He is.

The Greatest Planner.

All I need now is more strength to pursue what I want.

What I dreamed of.

I can do this.

I can do A-level.

We all can.

Just have a little bit more faith.

So you can take a jump.

A leap of faith.

:)

Dreams.

You know what, when I was at the age of 12-13 I have developed this writing habit.

Before I even have a blog.

I write.

I write stories.

You know those times when we still use the big computer, yeah those times. I write stories, short one. Because my imagination just couldn't stop running wild.

And then my mom bought a laptop, the compaq which is heavy.

And I continued writing there. I wrote 2-3 stories, kind of like a novel. There were good, I still remember some of the stories at the back of my head, there were good stories. I'm not sure about the grammar maybe not as good as I am now, *which is not really good either* but I'd reckoned that it was quite awesome for a 12 to 13 years old to write 9-10 pages of full english written story.

That is me, a few years back.

Before I even have this blog.

An avid dreamer I might say, I was before this.

And now I still have a lot of stories going on inside my mind, you know sometimes I create a movie in just one night in my head, and my movie was awesome. *flips hair*

But the thing is now, I don't really write stories.

Which is sad, whenever I want to start writing stories I just figured that it wouldn't received any feedback. Or maybe I might get tired cause I have this tendency to get bored easily. What's even funnier is that now I have my own laptop and writing would be easy. Writing would be a piece of cake, with this technology and all.

But things just kept getting on the way. Or maybe it's just me, and my excuses.

Human, and our excuses huh?

Inseparable.

And so I decided to write again. Tonight.

After this.

When I have ideas.

I'll try to draft it out, and make sure that at least one of my stories, or ideas finished before the end of this sem break. I really hope I do. And I really hope I finished reading all of the books that I've bought.

For dreams ey?

For dreams it is.

P/s: I love that sensation you have when you write. I miss it and I hope I can feel it soon.