Fear

I have claustrophobic, fear of lack of space. Fear of being trapped, fear of crowded places. And the thing with people with this kind of phobia is they tend to get suffocated which is, if it's horrible enough, can be fatal. That's my one and only phobia, unless you considered having this fear towards amphibians is a phobia too but I hated frogs or idk maybe I hated the fact that they're too slimy and they're jumping around. Ergh. That, are somehow my worldly fears. But you know what I fear the most? It's the unsettling future. God I fear them so much, because I can't know for sure what they are. Sure if you have claustrophobic you know you fear the lack of space. You know when you fear frogs it's because they're stupidly slimy. But the thing about fearing the future, is just you don't know. You can't tell if future is going to let you have it all good and awesome, or just the other way around. That's the thing with worldly matters, they're not certain, they're temporary. They changes from time to time. 

As much as I fear my future now, because A-level is stupid and hard, or maybe I'm stupid and hard at head as in blocked on receiving mental knowledge, I'm also content. Because somehow the only thing that I know for sure is my Lord. And I know that whatever happens happens. Sheikh Taufiq Chowdry once said, that the reason I was at the TOF is because hundred thousand years ago He wrote in between heavens and earth, that I was destined to be there. It's His plans.

So what I know for sure now, is that whatever happens in my future, given my effort, is because He wants me there. 

So no matter how unsettling future is, I just know one thing.

That it's His plans,

and goodness will come out of it insha Allah.

And now,

all I need to do is give my best effort.

And let whatever may come, to come.

it's okay, okay?

I lost track on how many times I said to myself that things are okay.

That everything is okay.

I'm a positive person, full with optimism and less of a worry-wart.

My brother said I have a high spirit, and one way or another even though we're so far apart from each other and I'm not sure that he'll read this, because he's so busy with his degree life, but somehow I felt that he'll always right next to me, holding my hands when things got rough.

Annoyingly sweet, yes that's him.

He's not always around but it's okay, he's there when I need him, at the right place on the right time.

So I don't know if you'll read this maybe yes maybe not, but whatever it is, thankyou abang :*

And to all my family be it near or hundred miles away.

You guys are the light to my soul.

Not talking about my result because I'm so tired of convincing myself that everything is alright.

That everything is okay.

That everything will be fine.

Because god's honest truth

I. don't. know.

I really don't. And as much as I tried to put all myself back together, There's still a few cracks.

I can't cover it whole.

The thing about failure is I don't fear them as much.

That's my problem, too much optimism is also bad. You get super comfortable with whatever it is being thrown at you, even though it has spikes and thorns that could harm you.

Too fearless is also fearsome somehow.

I have few friends with pressurized family, pushing them to their limits to give their all.

Mostly because they're the precious jewel of the family.

I feel kinda bad watching them being pushed, being scolded for giving their all.

But somehow, I couldn't get rid the fact that I wonder how does that feel?

Being pressurized? from family, you know... to put meanings to things you do,

Everytime I looked at someone bio on any social media or somehow spirit-booster talk, it'll always be that whatever they're doing now, the studying the hell to get through is always for their family.

Always for their parents.

I don't.

I was told from when I was a kid, that whatever I wanna do, do it for you.

My parents taught me a lil bit of individualism I guess.

But they taught right.

Because if I want to fight, I need to fight for me first.

That's the only way for me to fight for anyone else.

That's how warriors defends themselves right?

If they don't, who would defends the others?

So bottom line, I wasn't pressured. In any way in my life. Some points maybe, like how your siblings always get straight A's for most of the big exam, or in my story, how my brother managed to fly, and the next one in line is supposed to be me.

So my pressure is, will I fly, or will I fall?

But pressure is what keeps you going so I never fear them. I needed them.

Because most of the time my family didn't pressure me that much. They're super supportive and super understanding and super god super family, they just be there whenever I need them.

Which is somewhat is also depressing.

Because I do things for myself, and yeah I can always redirect my intentions to maybe making my family proud, yes but that's not what my family wants so I can't do that.

I can't just redirect my intentions.

So everything I do is for me.

Everything I fight is for me.

And god, *sigh* do you know how much harder is that?

To pressure yourself on your own just to keep you going?
I mean who really does that?

To walk on your own, to stand on your own two feet, to do this without any hesitation and never looking back because you believed it is meant to be...

Do you know how much harder that is?

Especially when now, I'm still searching for my true self?
I don't even know how to really know myself.
I felt like I'm trapped in a maze, for a long time now.

Confused.

So yeah, from time to times, I tell myself that it's okay.

That everything will be better,

That everything will be fine.

Even if I don't know.

I have to do this.

So I can keep on going.

So I can continue to fight.

So that I can win this combat.

So, it's okay...

Okay?

:)