My First Crib

Hey guys!

Hope you guys are doing well, perhaps not perfect due to this global pandemic, but Insha Allah, well enough to adjust living with this new norm. It's been almost 8 months of me living alone, in a studio at Cyberjaya. It's a semi-furnished studio, with furnished cabinet kitchen, an electric stove, washing machine and the most important thing of all, a fridge. Because I have everything else, I decided to take a semi-furnished studio, because it's a lot cheaper, and the extra money is used to buy more things to complement my mini house. I bought my own sofa bed, a dining table for four, a kitchen rack, kitchen utensils, and a very big mirror (solely just because I'm a girl). My generous brother gave me his tv set, with a coffee table and then voila, my crib finally feels perfect. It's not much, but just enough, and I do well with just enough.

The view from my balcony.

A very weird combination of colors, but most of the stuff is given to me so yeah.

My tiny kitchen section.

The big mirror with a cute little tv just for me to watch netflix (through my laptop)

I always wanted to live alone. I wanted to know how it feels when I'm truly alone; will I be able to find myself? I always think that I'm different when I'm with other people, but not when I'm alone. I wanted to know how my own thoughts work in silence, without any external presence. And so I love the idea, of living with my own self, with my own thoughts, with my own ego. I wanted to see how I'd live.

So how do I live?

It's fun to know you have a place all to yourself, you can decide whatever you want to do, and no one judges you. You come back home and you don't have to pretend that everything was alright. It was hella fun at the beginning. But afterwards, after all the excitement kicks in, it started to feel a bit empty. I mean, how can a studio with a space of 450 sq ft feel so big when you're alone?

And then I realized, I have tried to avoid listening to the voices inside of me (not just my head, I'm pretty sure I'm mentally alright) and prefer to listen to others. It started to feel suffocating. The voices, they keep on coming to you, and this time there's no distraction to pull you away because you're alone, there's no annoying friend that barges into your room for no reason just to ask what you're doing. Or a mother, nagging at you for certain matters that you have no idea what it's about. It's just you, and your thoughts.

The thing with our thoughts are, even though most of the time;  it's just our insecurities talking and playing the role of a narrator, sometimes the truth takes over and narrates things you don't want to hear, because as we all know, truth hurts, well at least most of the time.

After 8 months; I finally found myself;

I found that I am demotivated most of the time, and I am going along with the tick tock of time. I have no idea how long I can persist this, but I hope sooner, I'll find the motivated, cheerful and lovestruck towards living version of me. And the transition doesn't need to be fast, I just need it to be constant.

Well, that was some depressing shit, aite? But well, c'est la vie. I pray that everyone else found your inner motivated self, and take care of your mental health! I know time is rough, especially nowadays, confronting an invisible enemy every day. Take a deep breath, count to 4, and then hold to 4, release during the 4 and hold again for 4. It helps, Insha Allah.

See you guys again soon!