understanding reality

Hi everyone. It's been a while isn't, that I have written. Wanted to say that life have finally caught up with me but that wasn't even true. I was just lazy and that my friend, is an ugly trait of mine that I wish I could get rid off. It felt harder to write nowadays. It felt heavier, I don't know if it's just a sign that I've gotten older, or maybe I just have lost interest. Before this, writing is as easy as breathing, it's the inner voice inside me, urging me to write. Urging me to say whatever my physical mouth wouldn't be able to.

You know; this voice inside my head always seems to be very calm and collected, no matter what the circumstances might be. It's that calm monologue you heard in every series; at the beginning and also the ending. Which also gives out a signal of anxiousness, because usually normal people won't sound calm and collected all the time.

But that's the thing about my inner voice, (I wouldn't know how everyone else's would sound like) she's calm and usually sounded very american pfttt (prolly due to the fact that I grown up watching so many American series). And they have so many questions and answers, elaborated perfectly.

But whenever I tried to let it out; in real world, the words got jumbled up. They didn't sound even 2% the same. They're always all over the place. But not in my writings; I mean my writings still sucks. But not as bad as how I would talk in real life. Maybe that's why I admire and always am in awe watching people giving speeches and impromptu pep talk. I mean, how can you speak just exactly how your mind is speaking to you?

Or maybe, my mind speaks better through my writings, who knows?

Anyway.

A month ago, I celebrated my first year anniversary at my workplace. It's actually quite weird, I didn't think I'd last long here but time have it's way in sneaking around human's life I guess. Work was still outrageously weird. After a year, I thought I would understand it better, but nah. This is it. This is just the phase where understanding reality needed more than just years.

You know, I've known people who have been working for 10 - 15 years and still don't know how to use EXCEL even though they are working in the office. You would thought that being an adult is knowing and understanding the reality, and mastering it. But no, apparently that wasn't it. Apparently, being an adult is still the same thing as what we did years ago. It's the stumbling, and falling, and guessing process, and yet the difference is that, now, even though you make a mistake; it's an adult mistake.

I thought being an adult, or working with adults are having people around me with so many knowledge and wisdom. But that's not entirely true (even though most of the time and most of them are perfectly knowledgeable on so many aspects in life).

I guess no matter how many years we live, understanding reality is not about having as many number of years living to obtain all information that this world could offer.


I think it's about asking people how's their life have been.
It's about telling people how's your day.
It's about you having your own time in your own thoughts for as long as you need.
It's about you, making as many mistakes as you can, so you can become an expert to not do it anymore.
It's about you telling your pet that they're so cute and you would die for them.
It's about you having fun with your friends and also not being around them, and still having fun.
It's about you hesitating in making decisions every day, and repeating the same routine the next day.
It's about you doubting every decision you've made, and criticizing yourself on why you didn't pick the other one.
It's about you feeling happy seeing your loved ones, and you decide that it's okay; that no problems is equal to the joy of what you're seeing right now.

I guess understanding reality is not to just be a Master of knowledge or having tonnes of wisdom.

It's just you living;
with every ounce of your strength,
bravery and wittiness that you can carry for the day,
and move along with the direction of your life that you've chosen.


And telling yourself; everything is fine.

Understanding reality is also to miss people dearly, and believe that you would see them sooner than you can blink. Holding onto that faith so you can take that one step for that day.

Adulting

my writers head is on edge. I've been wanting to write and talk about a lot of things until I think that my head would not be able to take it anymore. There is so many things to say, but before that, I would like to say to whoever it is that's reading this, I wish you all the happiness in life. But here goes.

I thought that when I started working, I'd figured out what I wanted to do in life. That things are set into stepping motion, and all I needed to do is to walk through it. Like a pavement, all laid out for you to set your feet on. But I'm barely living. I think I'm just surviving. 

And I think I'm not the only one with this thought in mind. I think most people, and quote unquote most and not all, might have felt this way too. And I'm not alone. I never thought how life after studying is a vague process of living; and also probably the realest. I think this is the phase where one is on the journey to find their true self. Our own essence in the world. How would one go through life? What would you choose? Most people opted the life where path have been paved for them. Things that are somehow accessible and I think that's a great choice. But, what about other options?

Are we staying in the safe lane? And why?

Are we expanding our horizon? and if so, how?

It's a natural human instinct to live safely. To be secured in all dimension in life. That's our biological traits and that's okay. That's normal. And so, if let's say that I opted to do something risky, would it be considered as abnormal? No, because we all know risque is not equal to abnormality. 

Yeah but in all honesty, who didn't crave for a little bit of a thrill life, eh?

Turning 24 this year, 

still can't get my goals straighten up.

Can't get my love life in check.

can't get my work scope in order.

we all don't have a guide for adulting do we?

I mean who am I kidding, even if we have,

would it help?

here's a random evidence of me living my life in the end of 2018. 

You know how I said I'm always lost when I'm at Cardiff, that's nothing compared to life now today. Cardiff have always been straight and honest, brutally honest to my face nonetheless, but honest. And comforting, it's like that one friend you can't get off because they always say the truth about you but you're so annoyed at them because they're true most of the times, and the truth hurts.

But now, here?

It's like a crowd of facades.

And I never knew that humans can be exhausting.

and draining.

Here's to a great year in 2019 guys,

don't forget to live.