Tougher.

Assalamualaikum.

So, now is 1.00 am. Today is already Friday, the Holy Friday, the Blessed Friday. The beautiful Friday :)

So basically, why am I here, with my laptop on my lap, on my bed, in the dark as my roomate is sleeping soundly besides me,

I'm lost.

I'm floating.

I feel like I'm a vapour.

I feel like those clouds, fluffy yet undeniably fragile.

Well, actually I just cried a few minutes ago.

Like really cried, as in sobbing and sobbing and little hysterical tears but in silence as I do not want to wake my room mate.

so, what's the big deal with that?

Well it's a big deal to me as I RARELY CRY.

As in Rare in very rare like near extinction.

I do not have this symptom called homesick.

I do not have this tendency to feel weak or surrender when dealing with challenges in life.

I do not have this feeling of feminine side where I need to express my feelings with tears all the time.

NO

That is not me.

But one thing about me is, I love warm feelings.

I was brought up in the family of warm bears.

We warm each other up.

We light up each others life.

We become the main backbone for each other.

And when I'm here,

I feel lost as in cold,

I long for that warmness.

Or maybe after all I've been putting up my strong and tough mask for so long,

that now it started to crack.

Or maybe I'm just too tired.

With all the training.

And my body keep pushing myself to the limit where they can't take it,

like right now on how my legs weren't able to function clearly but still I tried my best to endure it and come to the training with my tough mask on.

Because I know nobody really cares.

It doesn't matter whoever it is that ask me on how I'm doing.

I know they don't really care.

Lol, even my best friends don't bother to ask me on how I'm doing.

The cruelty of life.

and here I am trying hard to fix everyone else, including me.

And perhaps.

Just perhaps,

All I need is your hug mama :'(