Courage

This come randomly in my head one night.

I guess it was last night.

Kenduri tahlil for arwah atuk was held last night and as usual, family gathers.

And I've met my cousins, and it was lovely in a way.

But this little cousin of mine is just 11 years old and she was excited as she came back from her school camp. Which kinda brought me walking down a memory lane, of me myself when I was exactly 12 years old and having my first camp at a jungle. The camp was torturous in a way but the most adventurous camp I've ever been in my whole life (as it turns out I haven't got the chance to go camping at any jungle after that). My cousin, her name is Maria, and she told her exciting stories, of course nevertheless, the most exciting thing a for things to happen in a camp is ghost stories.

And I remembered mine, having to walk on my own. In the jungle, we were prepared a road, so dark that all I could see is the moon light and the dim light from the street lamps that is located so far away from one another. 

I remembered being scared, but I also remembered not crying, not flinching, not girl-like at all.

And I remembered, seeing someone in the wood besides me, giving away sounds I did not recognized.

But the me at that age have grown more than usual. I've instantly put a label to any sound or anything that I've saw to be something artificial. Something that my teachers would do for fun. I've put away fear because I believed fear would only draw these creatures closer to me.

And now when I'm older I kind of realized that, I wasn't being brave. I was just trying to be safe. My mind protected me to not give in into my fear. That there are nobody out there who is fearless. We all fear something, we all have something to be scared of.

But how we managed our fear, is what is supposed some people call as courage.

And during that time I guess, I was so fearful that I tell myself to manage my fears, so that I can be safe.

And I guess over time, I've managed to cope up with having myself managing my fears. If there's something that I'm afraid of, my mind will think of a way to escape, to manage that fears. It could be me facing the fears or the other way around, but whatever it is, I'd know that it's a way that I'm trying to keep myself safe.

That we human, always just wanted to keep ourselves safe.

To live.

And to survive.

Prochnost.

And I hope from time to time, I'll learn to be more braver, to conquer my fear more and to overcome every obstacles there is infront of me.

Let's be wild creatures.

Disembark from this sea of emotions.

Be a conqueror.

And live.