Tougher.

Assalamualaikum.

So, now is 1.00 am. Today is already Friday, the Holy Friday, the Blessed Friday. The beautiful Friday :)

So basically, why am I here, with my laptop on my lap, on my bed, in the dark as my roomate is sleeping soundly besides me,

I'm lost.

I'm floating.

I feel like I'm a vapour.

I feel like those clouds, fluffy yet undeniably fragile.

Well, actually I just cried a few minutes ago.

Like really cried, as in sobbing and sobbing and little hysterical tears but in silence as I do not want to wake my room mate.

so, what's the big deal with that?

Well it's a big deal to me as I RARELY CRY.

As in Rare in very rare like near extinction.

I do not have this symptom called homesick.

I do not have this tendency to feel weak or surrender when dealing with challenges in life.

I do not have this feeling of feminine side where I need to express my feelings with tears all the time.

NO

That is not me.

But one thing about me is, I love warm feelings.

I was brought up in the family of warm bears.

We warm each other up.

We light up each others life.

We become the main backbone for each other.

And when I'm here,

I feel lost as in cold,

I long for that warmness.

Or maybe after all I've been putting up my strong and tough mask for so long,

that now it started to crack.

Or maybe I'm just too tired.

With all the training.

And my body keep pushing myself to the limit where they can't take it,

like right now on how my legs weren't able to function clearly but still I tried my best to endure it and come to the training with my tough mask on.

Because I know nobody really cares.

It doesn't matter whoever it is that ask me on how I'm doing.

I know they don't really care.

Lol, even my best friends don't bother to ask me on how I'm doing.

The cruelty of life.

and here I am trying hard to fix everyone else, including me.

And perhaps.

Just perhaps,

All I need is your hug mama :'(

In finding ease within the hardship.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

Good morning everyone. 

Now is 9.31 a.m at my laptop screen clock, and you guys might  wonder why did I wake up so early, which is actually I woke up at 8. I don't even know why, maybe it's the biological clock, I've never been able to sleep till late morning nowadays, fixed and hectic schedule might change my biological clock. Perhaps.

So basically this sem, as I told you guys earlier will be really hectic for me, in a way that I would never imagined. Now I've seen the perks of it, it has started. I can see myself in a mess, portrayed at my home, in my room, at my study desk. Everywhere is a mess. I spend more time on the bed when I'm at home. Most of it is because I'm rarely at home.

As you guys know, I'm involved in Silat. A persatuan silat which in it's shortform is called PSSCPUH or we called it as pesecepuh. This little family circle is important to me, in a way they do bring some sort of meaning to me. I have never imagined myself to be one of the important part in this family, I always see myself as someone invisible that.. no one can see me. But in a way, they do see me, they caught me and now I'm immersed in this warm family. 

It's hard I might say, in a way of training and spending your time lavishly on basically hurting yourself. But it all depends on your strength. How do I perceive my strength? How do I convince myself that I am strong enough. How?

It's like a battlefield, of contradicting emotions and thoughts, the rivalry between the right things and the wrong ones.  And what's even funny, to be able to distinguish these both when the terms itself are very very subjective.

In one way, I might be weak.

In another way, I might be strong.

But it's not about being strong that I'm trying to define here.

It's about being me, in a strong way. 

That is what I want to seek for this whole sem.

I've only seen the beginning of my hecticness, I'm not sure, when it might rose up to super hectic and so on. But I'm trying to be strong here.

I'm tryig my best to fight for the temptations. I'm fighting with my inner demons.

This is how I'm trying to be strong.

And so within this hardship, I can see the ease.

Of which me becoming strong and stronger each day,

mentally or physically,

is one way of me, having the ease in my life.

TO THE LIFE,

FULL OF WONDERS.

xxx

crap

Have you ever felt incomplete. Like there's a hole unfilled inside of you and you're wondering all over, running your daily life, like an empty vessel, a pure lost container without it's soul.You just want to fill it with something.

And yet you don't even what suits for that something.

I feel empty, in a way.

It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like childhood.

It taste like adulthood.

That every steps that I take people are pushing me to do things that I wouldn't imagine been doing 5 years ago.

People are pushing me to do the right thing.

I am picking up my responsibilities

I am acknowledging me.

As a growing teenager = adult.

Which ain't all fun.

So in a way I feel empty. Because my fillings before this was fun, rebel, stirring in my own way by my own definition. Having fun almost all the time. I mean that's me. 

Even if some might say that my definition of having fun is not really they're definition of having fun but it's okay. I mean my fun will be my fun I don't care what you think.

What am I babbling about, I don't know.

Basically I'm nervous. With all of this, life here is so unpredictable that every single move that I take rains with hundreds of possibilities.

Ain't that nerve-wrecking?

Hated.

Hai everyone.

So basically I am procrastinating myself from doing things that I'm supposed to be doing, I promised starting next week I'll try to no procrastinate but I can't really promise so yes here I am making promises on a thin air.

tonight I want to ramble about the perks of love and hate.

This two contradicting thing that resembles a lot in a magnificent way.

When I was a little kid, right when I'm in a primary school, I think I was loved, and yet I was hated.

With the girls, I was loved so much till they fight with each other to be the closest one to me.

With the boys, I was basically hated as they bullied me, almost every

time they get the chance to see me.

And yet, most of my primary school days all I can remember is being hated and being bullied.

and so the power of love loses to the power of hate during my primary school days.

During those days, I am basically one of the most outstanding student. I was bright in my studies so teachers love me. But to the kids, I'm a bright one too, in a different way, as I'm dark skin and have this little squeaky voice, I have tiny eyes despite my skin. So yes, maybe I was too outstanding too the boys till they use all my prominent features to color my childhood memories with dull tainted colours.

I got called names for my features. Most of it are horrible ones. The ones that made me cried so much when I tried to sleep the night before the next day. Telling myself that I had to endure another day of school. Another day of boys calling me ugly.

I was hated.

Or so I think.

The bullying was quiet severe but not too much till I can't handle.

But the effect does linger till now.

Imagine being call ugly half of your life.

How can one try and convince herself that she's actually beautiful.

So back to my IELTS speaking practice.

I was given a question, "do you think you are a good looking person and why?"

That was a tricky one.

What's even annoying is that I've been asking myself that question my whole life and I dodge it everytime. Laying the question all alone, not answered, letting it echoed through the walls of my mine.

And during that day I have no options but to tell myself that I need to answer that.

So basically I answered it with my whole heart's content. I tell them that I think I am a good looking person. Because I need to appreciate myself to be happy. Cause if I don't no one else will.

I answered that truthfully.

But of course, I hid the flaws of my answer deep in my mind.

My real answer will be longer.

".... but on the contrary, I don't really view myself as much of that good looking like how society describe it. I think I'm good looking enough for me. But if I have to say, am I good looking for another person? I would say no. I'm pretty for me myself, but no, I don't think I'm pretty enough for someone else."

That would be my real answer.

So boys, think twice when you want to bully a girl.

The effect it have sometimes last longer than you thought it could have.

Because it still lingers around with me.

The word ugly still echoes in my mind.

freaking hot pretty beautiful nina