A bent metal.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

So here I am today, on the early morning of 12.51 a.m, sitting in my room all alone as my roomate went to her friend's house and sleep there, to do their assignments. I just got back from my training, and found out that my swelling got worsen, I have extra bruise, in a humongous size ever on the same leg.

And suddenly life couldn't get any better :)

As I was growing up I thought I was being, in a way, very tough, like those missile proof kinda girl, the ones that admit that they're strong, and I believe that I am. For my entire existence, until today.

You won't believe on how strong and firm my faith in me, of being this very very strong, unaffected in any way, all-killing-machinery-proof and all. 

And yet now,

I cried most of the time when I met Him.

I don't even know why.

Tell you what, last night I cried infront of His House, during The Call. (As my training is infront of masjid negeri, near Tasik Shah Alam)

Why?

Because I feel weak.

The moment we stopped, or actually take a break from the training, I sit down, on the grass floor, enduring this horrible pain that keeps stabbing me in my mind, like this loud siren that keeps banging on the wall of my brains, telling me that it had enough. That I have to stop please, begging me to stop the pain, but my heart tells me no, as I do not perform well on my part. And as you know, we work as a team, If I do not do this whole heartedly, it will bring down the whole team that gave their all for this. This undeniable responsibility is what kept me going steady.

Still, steady in pain.

So the reason why I cried is because I just realized that I am just this one frail, little human being, that can get hurt, that I should 'feel' the hurt. In order to be human. That perhaps after all this pain, is the reminder that I am only His servant and never going to be more.

That maybe, during that time He was telling me that He was right there all along, calling me to go upon Him, and yet I left Him all alone :'(

He was there watching me, waiting for me, and yet I don't go to Him.

That He was there, as He watches me in despair, and like He was telling me that I am only this frail human being, that needs Him more than I need air.

That He is my everything.

and yet I chose this worldly matters against Him.

And the moment I realized that, on that second, when I was on top of pain and hurt, and frustration of unable to perform, sitting on the grass, 

and it blows hard on my face.

And I believed after that realization, that the pain doubles, more to my heart and my soul, rather to my knees.

I know that we need effort in order to be successful, but often we forget that the One that gives all this wealth and success and everything that happens to exist in this world.

We often forget to ask Him.

We often forget to tell Him that we need Him.

Because all along we had this big ego, saying that we are tough, when we are obviously not.

We forget, that we need to ask Him, to give us the energy, to keep going with our effort.

And now,

I believe that I am not strong.

That I'm never this so-called ironlady.

this is how my mind works before going to sleep I guess

That after all I'm just this bent metal.

A frail, and weak.

Of a human being.

And by admitting this,

I believe that I admit to be His servant.

That I admit, to fully submit,

To the One and Only :)