audacity.

Audacity. Arrogance.

is somehow near to act of ignorance. I think. When people associate those who ignored someone or something as arrogant. As an act of arrogance.

Right.

Somehow I'm in this enigma.

When I'm being myself and people thought of me as being arrogant.

I always tell myself not to care too much on what people are going to say about me.

That it's okay to say no.

But it is still a hard thing to do.

I often hardly decline what other people want me to do.

Which is unhealthy, because in the end I know I need myself to be happy too.

But there is nothing more painful than having people to have bad thoughts about you.

When all you do, is to be yourself.

and this bothers me to pieces. 

It kinda aches.

Ya rabb I have You and I know You know.

This feelings came from You because You are All Knowing.

And so my Lord could you let them know in their hearts that I love them.

That I thanked you everyday for the past days I've cherished with them.

That they are gifts that I adore, that they are experience that I've always longed for.

But my Lord, 

as for you who knows everything, then you must've understand the feelings that came within.

This aching feeling, of doubt and unpleasure.

Also come in place with them.

And so in trade, I had to let them go.

I know some might think that this doesn't make sense.

But I don't need you to make sense out of me.

I need you to believe me. 

Which is funny, because that's the whole reason for all of this.

I am a hard person myself in believing.

Some people might wander why I'm acting like this.

Here I'll tell you why.

I have my trust broken so many times before.

Friends who betrayed me in the end after I showered them love.

Been isolated when I've done nothing wrong.

Bullied by boys.

Been cheated.

I've scarred to many times that I guess now I get a bit bitter.

Because I was hurt for countless numbers of times before.

And I left it in me. I kept it in me.

I never shared it with anybody and show my smile to everyone.

I grew up before time.

And unlike most of people.

I'm more realistic, I'm more bitter.

That right now all I believe is that I have Him.

and anyone else who couldn't cope up with me will eventually leave me.

So I became this little lady,

who will not care if you want to walk away from me.

I'll just see.

I'm lost now.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

I never regain back that confidence to have faith in anyone ever again.

trust me, pain mould you into something you'd never understand.

And in a contradict way it also makes you unfamiliar with your own pain.

You become numb.

And for my case I'm always numb.

But one day if all my feelings come rushing, that's when I know hell break loose.

Even my brother could not handle it when I cried.

My sister could never handle it when I cried.

These two veins of mines will cry together with me if I were to drop in tears.

Because I rarely cry infront of people anymore.

and when I do it'll become unbearable.

I remember my sister saying to me, when I cried to my brother on his shoulder when I failed my result for last sem. That I sobbed so hard because that is the only time I've started to feel again.

And I remember that my brother tell me not to cry because he will start to cry to *comel kan my brother

And that later when my sister came home and I've went back to intec, he told her, "Aku tak boleh tengok adik kau nangis."

Which is also one of the reason why I hated crying.

All my feelings will be dispersed as if emotions were aura.

I'll let them go when I cry.

See, I even have a hard time putting trust into my own family.

God knows how hard it is for me to tell you stories.

unless you're family. unless you're in my bubble wrap.

Even so I never open up my heart.

anymore and I don't know why, and I don't know when I'll open up my heart in believing more people. 

That maybe they'll stay after all.

That everything will become better.

Maybe one day.

Maybe not now.

And I guess it's okay if other people doesn't understand me.

because good Lord I got You.

And You'll understand me :)

And that's all I need.