of love.

Tonight is the night when I crave for words.

When I wanted to pour my emotions into syllabus.

Tonight is my night.

Tonight is when I wanted to talk about feelings and emotions.

Of love.

I am a lovable person I guess. And so does everyone else.

I mean I love love. They're... if to be describe are like this fluffy feelings that keeps you floating.

And in general I guess I am loved, so by people around me and I thanked him everyday for that.

I just wanted to say that I've never experienced that feeling when you lost the one that you love.

And I never know how I will deal with that in the future.

I have endured failures.

I have endured bullying.

I have endured public humiliation.

I have endured people lying to me when they said they love me.

But I have never been in the situation where I will lost my loved ones.

And I never wanted to be in.

But that is not my choice.

In fact it is not a choice.

I have to went through with it someday.

No matter what.

So what trigger tonight's topic? Nothing technically just having a walkdown memory lane.

One of the reasons I have this huge humongous ego when it comes to loving someone, is probably because I was bullied when I was a kid, into maybe, idk having trust issues with guys? maybe. But mostly because I have my trust crumpled before by a guy who technically saying that he liked me and at the same time liked my best friend too.

Which is confusing and also crushing down someone's self esteem which is to say is me.

Hence technically proved at that time that a guy's love is very very deceiving.

and over time, yes. 

It is proven upon my eyes.

But also over time I kind of learn to know humans behaviour.

And despite my age, I have tried to understand most of people situations and try to fit in their shoes.

TRY. not literally fit in.

so over time I learned that maybe guys are somehow, indecisive.

that they like to keep their options open.

That somehow this is their nature.

But it goes totally the opposite way to me as I believe love, in it's own nature is one.

And that is why we have only one heart and not two nor three.

So I believe in a complete monopoly of the one that you love.

so technically I have to understand both and adapt into it. And so I did.

But also that makes me believe, or more accurately, strengthen my believe to not trust any guy until he is THE ONE.

Which is basically why I am heartless in a way now.

but that's just the side stories.

Here's the real deal.

My grandpa is sick.

Before this he is sick too, he had a stroke. Which is mild, cause he can still move, but hardly can move 100% of his left parts but yes he can still walk around.

But lately after my brother left for US, he got sicker day by day.

My grandpa couldn't walk and so he is weaker.

And nothing can break my heart seeing him like that.

And I don't know if this makes me a bad person but I have readied myself for the worst to come.

It aches, but the thought or the idea is there.

I just want to say that I'm not that heartless.

This heartless girl is basically just a girl who were once hurt.

But she's not heartless, she's just cautious.

If I'm heartless, I wouldn't feel so much pain right now leaving my family behind.

Watching my mom cried every time I have to go back here at intec.

It kills me.

IT LITERALLY KILLED ME.

I died a thousand time over when I see her cried.

and after all this incidents that happen in my life I realized there's much more to love that just about monopoly or between a guy or a girl.

Love is just......

love.

Your soul picked the one you love.

Your soul adapt to it.

Your soul become one.

And to have some parts of your soul leave you, how would that feel?

I think it will feels as if your soul being ripped apart.

So here I hope you can make a dua for my grandpa and my mama.

For both to be healthy soon.

And for me to be stronger too :)

Thankyou.