light

Have you ever felt like a bulb?

A light bulb?

Where you shine everyday and spread your lights.

That's how I felt when I'm happy. That's what I see when people are happy.

They're like this luminous light bulb.

An everlasting light that shine when you smile genuinely.

But lately I felt like my light bulb is getting dimmer.

and I was thinking of writing about arwah atuk here but it'll be a pain I can't endure.

And resulting in me whimpering in sadness in my sleep which I reckoned maybe it can be postponed later.

Whatever it is atuk I always pray that you'll be fine and may He grant you a place within His side.

And that I'll always remember your beautiful smile and your warmness when you tell me in tears to never abandon or go against mama and ayah everytime I shake your hand asking for forgiveness during hari Raya.

And although it breaks my heart cause there's no picture with you during this eid which I never knew how it could happen this way, maybe it was a sign, or maybe it's just the way it is but I'll love you and I might not get to said good bye but it's okay I guess, I get my goodbyes when I kiss you in your sleep before I went on my bus to shah alam. Perhaps that too, was a sign. who knows?

I don't know what aches.

I don't know what strangled the oesophagus.

But what I know this feeling is killing me away.

That maybe my light bulb is getting dimmer. And maybe that's just for a while or maybe it'll be long but I don't know and what I know is that my light is slipping away.

Maybe because mama was sick.

And she's in more pain now that atuk's gone.

And that my aunty with two little child is being abandoned by her husband.

and that my grandma lost his husband, the one she's been with almost more than half her life.

And abang a thousand miles away.

Maybe the reason I am losing my light is because my own light is in pain.

My family is in pain. And that means I'm also in pain, because their blood runs in my veins.

Their pain is in fact my pain *exaggerating or not

But also I believe that pain came with endless lesson.

That everything that can't kill you makes you stronger.

That the reason He test you is because He loves you and He have faith in you.

And so I believe that all this turbulent and storm was just a minor suffering we have to go through.

I mean masya Allah, His jannah worth all these sufferings.

He himself worth all this sufferings.

And because I'm hundreds miles away from my family,

I only ask You my Lord,

to take care of them like how they took care of me.

And give them strength in all your trials.

So that they'll be happy.

And I'll be happy.

So that we can all shine again together.

So that my lights can shine again together.

And brighter.

Insha Allah :)