Having this night talk with beautiful ladies and of course we mumble jumble about relationship, needed to bear in mind that I'm already 20. (Even the official moments are still 5 months away) and so we were talking about feelings and stuff of adulthood. Of future I might say. And of course sometimes I would say, "untunglah dah ada boyfriend aku apa pun takde" and these girls will be at my throat and yelling and screaming that I was the one who rejected people.
And I will fall silent.
Did I?
Even though I said all those words I know deep down I never meant it, that i would wish for a boyfriend.
And rejecting people?
I don't even know if I did that. How did you reject people. What kind of act is a form of rejection?
Define rejection.
Define accepting.
Define relationship.
How can you be so sure of all that? That one person is your One.
How can you be so sure that the happiness you have now will be till the Last?
How can you be so sure, with all of that?
How can you be sure that it will not crush you in, so deep that you would never get back up again.
And how do you accept a person you haven't even seen.
Do you believe whatever you're seeing now is all that you can see?
Are you looking through a window or through some eagle eye?
Is s/he is all that?
Do you accept all that? All that is not all at all.
GOD. HOW DO YOU LOVE AND UNLOVE AND LOVE AGAIN?
I don't understand at all on how can you treat relationship so lightly that one day you decide to like/love one person and that one day you decide to not like/love that person ever again?
How can you love and unlove?
Won't it break you
won't it rip you apart
won't it crush you
And here I am still questioning this vague existence.
Ya Allah how can you love someone, my dear and think of another person at the same time?
I can never define true Love as true Love is undefined, it comes from Him, it goes to Him.
But this love that ya rabb gives to you just for that one person. That you will love till your last day. That won't make you think of anyone else. That won't make you even doubt him/her even for a second, as a trade for someone else.
A relationship that is certain that comes from Him.
I want that.
I don't know how and I don't know HOW.
But I know that exist and I want that wallahi I want that and only that. I can only love one. My heart can only love one. My heart is for one and One.
So now tell me, how can you be certain for that one and never hesitate in your life, how can you go on and have that kind of relationship without a single doubt in your heart.
I mean, how can you be so happy in a relationship, when you know deep down it is ALL wrong.
That your love now betrays your Love There.
I would be lying if I never think on having relationship (young blood boils I guess) and yet I can never imagine myself having a relationship ya rabb. Sumpah I can't.
I can't imagine loving someone when You get so angry with me.
I can't imagine loving someone and losing your love.
I'm not saying I'm nice good grieve I'm the worst and He's the Merciful, he hides all my bad deeds masha Allah.
And so, how can you have a relationship with someone when it angers Him.
Or worst.
When it makes Him feels sad for you.
Cause you know what you know and you did what you did.
I never judged those having relationship wallahi I have no rights.
I never condemn them that they are cursed that they are bad that they are a freaking villain. No.
This is what I believed in.
This is what I hold in within.
Please don't take it personally to anyone reading this.
Sumpah demi Allah aku tulis blog ni aku create blog ni untuk aku untuk aku paham dunia untuk aku paham Aku. Untuk buat aku paham hidup Aku untuk Dia so tolong takde satu pun post aku untuk aku sakitkan hati orang.
Semua aku tulis dalam ni untuk betulkan aku.
Ah peritnya perasaan ni ya rabb.
Peritnya nak jawab soalan soalan yang takkan pernah habis ni ya rabb.
Peritnya sebab asyik ragu ya rabb.
Peritnya sebab asyik torn apart ya rabb.
But if all this pain of constant fear or guilt that I have towards you, if this one part of me that I'm protecting to not let you get more Angry towards me ya rabb as I am a constant sinner.
Then let it consumes me.
So.
Again.
Define rejection.
Define accepting.
Define relationship.
Sincerely,
From a very confused 20 years old girl,
Trying to define life.
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