Pace.

You know what it's freaking 3.11 am in the morning and tomorrow I might go to BBW at Danga City Mall, and here I am ranting in my blog. And, um I don't even know why. 

All my family members have went to sleep.

And here I am.

I don't even know why I just feel the urge and need to write.

You see I'm having this self conflict where I debate with myself.

I always think in one way or another I have changed.

That maybe,

I'm different than before, heck that's the whole purpose saying that I've changed.

Arjuna Beta - Fynn Jamal is currently singing at the background

But you know what?

Maybe after all I did not changed.

That maybe I thought that I've changed but I'm not.

It's just in my head, what if that is what I want to think of?

What if all this was just me, assuring myself that I have progressed further, than just merely adapting and fitting in into the society? But the fact was the total opposite?

I thought I was braver, but.. really, wasn't I just delaying myself, or holding myself from something greater, or in other exact words, doesn't it look like I was just hiding.

From the bitter truth of reality?

Maybe after all I'm still scared.

Maybe after all I'm still being overly protective.

Maybe after all, I'm still this little girl inside me who have it a little bit hard during my childhood period.

Maybe after all I'm just killing time. 

Or buying it.

Funny, how this two sentence totally meant differently but can fit into one.

Because If I am killing time then it will be wasting the whole purpose or effort.

And If I were buying some time, it'll meant that I put all my effort into it.

And then the irony is you can't even kill or buy time.

Such wonders, huh?

I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it or to a certain point now I am starting to question my existence, which is pretty bad, I guess that's what you get after such a long holiday and you were being non-productive person, as I am eating and sleeping constantly like it is a mantra or a beauty charm I have to perform everyday.

What are you doing faz?

The truth is I felt so frustrated with myself.

Day by day I told myself to become better, but yet I don't feel like it.

I wanted to change to be a better muslimah and I still feel like I'm not even putting an effort.

And I see these pretty ladies, with determination and such grace, trying to change day by day to become better.

And here I am.

I'm not even sure if I'm falling backwards or I'm just stumbling down, 

or am I even going further?

You see I wanna go further, but I also wanna go with my own pace.

But sometimes I worried, 

What if my own pace won't make it in time?

You see

In the end,

It's all about my ego.

You have choices in life, 

to do, or not to do.

Choose carefully.

Because that's when everything else starts next.

P/s: I little bit of a self sentap emo advice at the middle of the night. Or morning I supposed.