suffering.

There are a lot of types of suffering. But the most common one, is being hurt.

But some of you need to know, that watching the one you love being hurt, is not only a suffering, 

it's also what I called as a torture.

I love my mama.

Despite her babbling all the times. I love her. I will always do.

I might deny her rights of getting worried about me, because I hate it when she do that.

But what can I do, that's her right for being a mama.

To worry about me, to get paranoid for me, to worry about her child.

Because it's her child.

My mama always have this panic attack, whenever I told her that I'm going somewhere adventurous.

like maybe to the woods, to the beach, to the lake, or even to hike a mountain.

She always imagine me, getting there, but not getting back home somehow.

I don't blame her imagination, for all I know maybe I got those talent of imagining too much from her.

hahaha. But yeah, you got the point. She worries. A LOT.

But I always, well how do I say, cheated on her, a little. Just a little.

Sometimes, when I have the guts.

I only told her after I went somewhere so she can't be mad at me,

so she can't envisioned me, in a total catastrophe somewhere she haven't even been.

Because she have this power, I called it 'tulah mama', when she said something bad, sometimes that something bad can happen.

Which is the precise thing I wouldn't want to happen when I want to go somewhere.

I always get into this quarrel with her.

It's not bad, it's just that it is really bad ones.

We can fight until I cried, or worse, I made her cried.

Yeah, you can call me a very derhaka daughter or whatsoever, 

but this is how we communicate, 

I always get mad at her, and so does her in another way around.

But things will always get better,

I will snapped at her, and she will to, at me.

And when that happen I will tell her everything, 

And she will tell me everything,

and that's when everything will become better.

When we are honest with each other.

I never understood my mother's approach before this.

She always wanted to be best friend with her kids.

and I love that idea, but I just don't love the idea when I report to her about something and she freaked out.

But now as I grew older, I realized what she's trying to do after all.

She's trying to keep me close.

Albeit the fact that I quarrel with her heck tonnes of times,

but in those quarrel I always knew what she feels, and she knew mine.

And that's what best friend do right?

I never get why she worries so much.

Before.

But now I get it,

I get the feeling of being helpless and hopeless when something bad happen to the one that you love.

Mama's been sick for a month, we don't even know why. We go to several clinics and hospital and every doctor said that mama is fine. But here's the deal, she's not. And she's not getting any better.

At first I thought it was just in her mind.

Mama had this way of, somehow exaggerating a lot of things. 

And I thought that she exaggerated her feelings of sickness.

That maybe it's only in her head.

so the first few weeks were when I mentally pushed her.

I asked to her to be tougher, I tell her that everything was a play of mind.

I told her about placebo effects, god I even play with psychological terms.

I told her that she's tougher than anything else.

That it's okay. That she's okay.

And she will get through this.

But she didn't.

She still get sick.

And every methods comes out. From the superstitious believes and whatnot,

we tried everything, 

ustaz coming over,

salt all over the house, for barrier  they said.

I'm not so into all of this, but that doesn't mean I won't believe it.

but until now, the thing is still the same.

Mama is still sick.

And I couldn't take it today.

So I cried. Alone, in my bedroom.

To Him, so that He can hear me, and I know He can.

And I beg, 

and I plead,

And kneel,

So that He can take away all those pain from her.

Or at least give her strength to fight it away,

because I already lost mine.

I can't take it anymore,

because I feel so hopeless and helpless,

like I'm no use to her.

Mama always come to my room, lay beside me,

asking me to massage her in which I did,

and then she will look me in the eye,

all watery,

And said "I'm so sorry I get sick."

And everytime she do that, I tell myself to keep it all in, 

don't cry you can't cry never ever dare to cry infront of her

And so I did.

I put on my smiling face, and make a joke. And said,

"Jangan begitu dong, Intan harus kuat, harus semangat" with my annoying indonesian accent.

There are this sinetron at astro Ria long ago, story about this Intan, that whenever something

bad happen to her, she will tell herself that.

And so my family members always said to each other this joke, whenever things gets hard, and it always worked.

And I tried that to myself tonight,

but I didn't work.

So I burst myself to tears.

My mom is apologizing to me for being sick.

THAT IS WRONG.

THAT IS SO WRONG 

that the reason I wanted to cry is because I was so mad and so sad and felt so helpless when she said that.

My mom always said, that her children are the pillars of her life.

She got stronger for us.

Just for us.

I might be all iron up.

I might look tough, especially infront of her.

Mama always said to me,

"You are the most hati kering punya budak"

And I always laugh and give her my kening double jerk.

And said, "Well I'm your daughter" and a wink.

But she doesn't know that I cried for her.

Because I need to be tough for her.

Because if I don't, how can she be?

Because I'm one of her pillar.

I need to be concrete.

So today here I am writing this, writing my heart out.

Just wanting to share a story with you guys, 

after I try to dry my eyes up.

so that you guys will appreciate every moments you have with your mom.

Just like how I did with mine.

And I will love your kindness, if you guys can pray for my mama to be healthy soon

:)

Thank you so much.

P/s: my mom sickness, or rather not a sickness, but it's not like cancer or whatsoever, but she's sick, and she's suffering and she's my mom and so I'm worried. That's why I really hope you guys can pray for her. I really love for her to be all healthy for this ramadhan. And thank you :)