Moments

Because right now, 

my cash is moments.

Things that I look forward to the most in life.

Are not money, it's warmness of all the moments of happiness we've shared together.

With everyone that had managed to find it's own way into my life.

Or maybe perhaps you were shown the way to my life.

Or maybe afterall,

all this moments, and all of your existence is gift, from Him to me :)

From the ups and down of training for wajadiri.

Being at Sabah and having all the fun one could have.

knowing a lot of people,

having more family members in my life,

enjoying hardness and fatigue of handling a big event, and proving all others that they're wrong,

when they said that I am wasting too much of my time for my psscpuh family.

hanging out with my classmates,

actually mends our flaws in our relationship and tighten the bond together more.

FRIM, skytrex, kayak and all others.

To this moment.

Where I just realized that all of these moments of happiness, had passed.

And one day it will only be just a memory.

That all this had passed.

and only God knows if I can redo it again.

I appreciate moments so much. Before this I used to write each single moments into one post but now it just get overwhelming because, the moments I have now is too many. I don't have enough time to make it into perfect words.

So all I can do is just by creating simple blogpost. short and quick. so that eitherway I wouldn't forget, heck I couldn't even forget if I wanted to.

cause all this moments in life,

is what I've always look up to.

The way I always dream of.

So here, to billions more moments to be made, in our life :)

Sweet.

Hai everyone.

I am in a way, rough and yet at the same time have this feminine side of me.

I've been wanting a flower crown since the first time I see people in the movies wear it.

And I got one.

Yay :D

Saya habuk.

And I thank you :)

So basically I don't know what to blog anymore,

I seems to be running out of ideas and returning back to this slow pace of living kind of make me feel a little bit.... blurry.

But what I do know now is that, life, never fails to surprise me.

At least now, for my life right now is so full of surprises till one moment it's not a surprise anymore to me.

I've become immune with all this shocking events. I'm used to it.

In a way, I become stronger.

In a way, I become more knowledgeable.

In a way, I become more 'human' as possible.

So right now all I need is to turn back to my original path.

The path that was chosen for me by Him.

That the reason I'm here at Intec is to study.

And studying shall I do.

Studying on how to live.

And to survive,

rather than just living, 

living with theories that you don't apply.

And yet with all that I have to maintain my 15 points.

I can see the pattern of certain subjects going all bumpy and dizzy and just simply nonsense.

Or maybe I just hate everything,

oh no,

I mean 'dislike' every main subject I have to take here.

The only thing that I love is English

 and maybe psychology.

So here I am bearing things with an open mind.

Cause I know I can do this.

He won't put me here If I can't

So I have to believe Him, and believe me 

:)

So here's to a few weeks left till final.

May Allah Ease. 

Love.

Because somehow it feels wrong.

In a lot of way.

This is not me.

This is not me, usually.

Wait, it's not me.

It's the people around me that makes me feels somewhat wrong somewhere.

Oh dear lord,

The One that Love more than anything else.

Love me as I am now confused with your creation,

guide me.

And guide them.

Guide them to be this type of people who will love someone else because of You.

Simply because of You.

And help me.

To push away those people that love me not because of You.

Because my heart and my soul will be forever devoted for You and only You.

And help me.

To get through all of this.

Help me.

To handle all of this with care and gentle.

With kindness that you lend to us, in bits of atomic sizes.

With warmness that will light them up and not melt them down.

As I right now, is just being simply me.

And no other.

Clear their views on me.

And let them only see me as me.

And not for what they think I'm supposed to be.

:(

Sincerely,

your confused slave that longs for your attention more

than your creation.

few more days.

I'm counting days,

We're almost there.

Cuak tak cuak? Cuak gila kot. Aku tak rasa aku dah masuk mood crook. I can see the flow. But I'm still keeping something. Maybe sebab semua benda ni baru lagi. Aku bukan jenis open. Aku tak senang nak act. I need time, I have my own pace. Tapi tak bermaksud aku takkan bagi aku punya all out. Perhaps when the time comes, with the right pressure, I'll give you my all you've never been able to see before.

less than berapa hari je weh.

Hati aku dah melayang kat memana ni.

Seram sejuk.

Aku tak pernah pikir nak menang ke kalah. Aku cuma pikir apa aku buat ni tajdid niat dia lillahitaalah. Semua sebab Dia. Menang kalah tu adat. Yang aku tau aku nak bagi everything.

walaupun nampak everything aku sekarang still tak berapa nak everything lagi.

tapi percayalah aku tengah cuba.

Allahu,

permudahkanlah.

Big Wall of China

Assalamualaikum everyone.

Good Lord I'm tired.

I went back to JB yesterday morning, and now I'm here back at Shah Alam.

Yes.

I know.

It's tiring and unworthy but who the hell cares.

All I want is to meet my parents before I continue my journey to somewhere far.

Even if it's just Sabah.

Still, I'm crossing ocean people so please, don't judge.

So I managed to buy a few books while I'm at JB. Talk about being a time thieve. 

I bought five books and use overall rm150 of my book vouchers and no, no academic books at all.

Just me,

and beautifully written papers with colourful and astounding imaginations.

That's all that I would ever spend my money with.

CURRENTLY WITH ME.

I brought Peculiar children with me and left all others at home because I believe there will be no such thing as time to read them, as I don't even do my homework haha badass.

And I'm still happy for my new family of books. There are tonnes more I haven't finish reading yet, but nevermind. I'm still very very happy.

So back to main focus, I wanted to talk about my IELTS SPEAKING TEST.

It went well, sort of.

It just felt like I was meeting with a counsellor, more to say.

At first the examiner, Miss asma said that I was confident and look brightly happy.

But the moment I introduced myself, she said, I was putting up a wall.

Perhaps because I introduced her as me being a not really expressive person, and that I confide into my writing rather than human.

And that all it took for me to realize that maybe after all, 

I do have all these walls built high around me.

That I have this trust issues.

That I have this big walls of china beneath me.

I reckoned this problem a few years ago.

But still, the question now is.

What should I do about this walls?

Should I let it stay magnificently or do I break it down?

Miss Asma: "I believe after our speaking test that you might get hurt during your past, I can feel your emotions when you were speaking. I know that you put up this walls for some reason, and I believe people might find you mysterious and wanted to get to know you more, but honey, sometimes you gotta let them in. Let them see your beauty and get to know you."

One day. Maybe.

:)

A bent metal.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

So here I am today, on the early morning of 12.51 a.m, sitting in my room all alone as my roomate went to her friend's house and sleep there, to do their assignments. I just got back from my training, and found out that my swelling got worsen, I have extra bruise, in a humongous size ever on the same leg.

And suddenly life couldn't get any better :)

As I was growing up I thought I was being, in a way, very tough, like those missile proof kinda girl, the ones that admit that they're strong, and I believe that I am. For my entire existence, until today.

You won't believe on how strong and firm my faith in me, of being this very very strong, unaffected in any way, all-killing-machinery-proof and all. 

And yet now,

I cried most of the time when I met Him.

I don't even know why.

Tell you what, last night I cried infront of His House, during The Call. (As my training is infront of masjid negeri, near Tasik Shah Alam)

Why?

Because I feel weak.

The moment we stopped, or actually take a break from the training, I sit down, on the grass floor, enduring this horrible pain that keeps stabbing me in my mind, like this loud siren that keeps banging on the wall of my brains, telling me that it had enough. That I have to stop please, begging me to stop the pain, but my heart tells me no, as I do not perform well on my part. And as you know, we work as a team, If I do not do this whole heartedly, it will bring down the whole team that gave their all for this. This undeniable responsibility is what kept me going steady.

Still, steady in pain.

So the reason why I cried is because I just realized that I am just this one frail, little human being, that can get hurt, that I should 'feel' the hurt. In order to be human. That perhaps after all this pain, is the reminder that I am only His servant and never going to be more.

That maybe, during that time He was telling me that He was right there all along, calling me to go upon Him, and yet I left Him all alone :'(

He was there watching me, waiting for me, and yet I don't go to Him.

That He was there, as He watches me in despair, and like He was telling me that I am only this frail human being, that needs Him more than I need air.

That He is my everything.

and yet I chose this worldly matters against Him.

And the moment I realized that, on that second, when I was on top of pain and hurt, and frustration of unable to perform, sitting on the grass, 

and it blows hard on my face.

And I believed after that realization, that the pain doubles, more to my heart and my soul, rather to my knees.

I know that we need effort in order to be successful, but often we forget that the One that gives all this wealth and success and everything that happens to exist in this world.

We often forget to ask Him.

We often forget to tell Him that we need Him.

Because all along we had this big ego, saying that we are tough, when we are obviously not.

We forget, that we need to ask Him, to give us the energy, to keep going with our effort.

And now,

I believe that I am not strong.

That I'm never this so-called ironlady.

this is how my mind works before going to sleep I guess

That after all I'm just this bent metal.

A frail, and weak.

Of a human being.

And by admitting this,

I believe that I admit to be His servant.

That I admit, to fully submit,

To the One and Only :)

Tougher.

Assalamualaikum.

So, now is 1.00 am. Today is already Friday, the Holy Friday, the Blessed Friday. The beautiful Friday :)

So basically, why am I here, with my laptop on my lap, on my bed, in the dark as my roomate is sleeping soundly besides me,

I'm lost.

I'm floating.

I feel like I'm a vapour.

I feel like those clouds, fluffy yet undeniably fragile.

Well, actually I just cried a few minutes ago.

Like really cried, as in sobbing and sobbing and little hysterical tears but in silence as I do not want to wake my room mate.

so, what's the big deal with that?

Well it's a big deal to me as I RARELY CRY.

As in Rare in very rare like near extinction.

I do not have this symptom called homesick.

I do not have this tendency to feel weak or surrender when dealing with challenges in life.

I do not have this feeling of feminine side where I need to express my feelings with tears all the time.

NO

That is not me.

But one thing about me is, I love warm feelings.

I was brought up in the family of warm bears.

We warm each other up.

We light up each others life.

We become the main backbone for each other.

And when I'm here,

I feel lost as in cold,

I long for that warmness.

Or maybe after all I've been putting up my strong and tough mask for so long,

that now it started to crack.

Or maybe I'm just too tired.

With all the training.

And my body keep pushing myself to the limit where they can't take it,

like right now on how my legs weren't able to function clearly but still I tried my best to endure it and come to the training with my tough mask on.

Because I know nobody really cares.

It doesn't matter whoever it is that ask me on how I'm doing.

I know they don't really care.

Lol, even my best friends don't bother to ask me on how I'm doing.

The cruelty of life.

and here I am trying hard to fix everyone else, including me.

And perhaps.

Just perhaps,

All I need is your hug mama :'(

In finding ease within the hardship.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

Good morning everyone. 

Now is 9.31 a.m at my laptop screen clock, and you guys might  wonder why did I wake up so early, which is actually I woke up at 8. I don't even know why, maybe it's the biological clock, I've never been able to sleep till late morning nowadays, fixed and hectic schedule might change my biological clock. Perhaps.

So basically this sem, as I told you guys earlier will be really hectic for me, in a way that I would never imagined. Now I've seen the perks of it, it has started. I can see myself in a mess, portrayed at my home, in my room, at my study desk. Everywhere is a mess. I spend more time on the bed when I'm at home. Most of it is because I'm rarely at home.

As you guys know, I'm involved in Silat. A persatuan silat which in it's shortform is called PSSCPUH or we called it as pesecepuh. This little family circle is important to me, in a way they do bring some sort of meaning to me. I have never imagined myself to be one of the important part in this family, I always see myself as someone invisible that.. no one can see me. But in a way, they do see me, they caught me and now I'm immersed in this warm family. 

It's hard I might say, in a way of training and spending your time lavishly on basically hurting yourself. But it all depends on your strength. How do I perceive my strength? How do I convince myself that I am strong enough. How?

It's like a battlefield, of contradicting emotions and thoughts, the rivalry between the right things and the wrong ones.  And what's even funny, to be able to distinguish these both when the terms itself are very very subjective.

In one way, I might be weak.

In another way, I might be strong.

But it's not about being strong that I'm trying to define here.

It's about being me, in a strong way. 

That is what I want to seek for this whole sem.

I've only seen the beginning of my hecticness, I'm not sure, when it might rose up to super hectic and so on. But I'm trying to be strong here.

I'm tryig my best to fight for the temptations. I'm fighting with my inner demons.

This is how I'm trying to be strong.

And so within this hardship, I can see the ease.

Of which me becoming strong and stronger each day,

mentally or physically,

is one way of me, having the ease in my life.

TO THE LIFE,

FULL OF WONDERS.

xxx

crap

Have you ever felt incomplete. Like there's a hole unfilled inside of you and you're wondering all over, running your daily life, like an empty vessel, a pure lost container without it's soul.You just want to fill it with something.

And yet you don't even what suits for that something.

I feel empty, in a way.

It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like childhood.

It taste like adulthood.

That every steps that I take people are pushing me to do things that I wouldn't imagine been doing 5 years ago.

People are pushing me to do the right thing.

I am picking up my responsibilities

I am acknowledging me.

As a growing teenager = adult.

Which ain't all fun.

So in a way I feel empty. Because my fillings before this was fun, rebel, stirring in my own way by my own definition. Having fun almost all the time. I mean that's me. 

Even if some might say that my definition of having fun is not really they're definition of having fun but it's okay. I mean my fun will be my fun I don't care what you think.

What am I babbling about, I don't know.

Basically I'm nervous. With all of this, life here is so unpredictable that every single move that I take rains with hundreds of possibilities.

Ain't that nerve-wrecking?

Hated.

Hai everyone.

So basically I am procrastinating myself from doing things that I'm supposed to be doing, I promised starting next week I'll try to no procrastinate but I can't really promise so yes here I am making promises on a thin air.

tonight I want to ramble about the perks of love and hate.

This two contradicting thing that resembles a lot in a magnificent way.

When I was a little kid, right when I'm in a primary school, I think I was loved, and yet I was hated.

With the girls, I was loved so much till they fight with each other to be the closest one to me.

With the boys, I was basically hated as they bullied me, almost every

time they get the chance to see me.

And yet, most of my primary school days all I can remember is being hated and being bullied.

and so the power of love loses to the power of hate during my primary school days.

During those days, I am basically one of the most outstanding student. I was bright in my studies so teachers love me. But to the kids, I'm a bright one too, in a different way, as I'm dark skin and have this little squeaky voice, I have tiny eyes despite my skin. So yes, maybe I was too outstanding too the boys till they use all my prominent features to color my childhood memories with dull tainted colours.

I got called names for my features. Most of it are horrible ones. The ones that made me cried so much when I tried to sleep the night before the next day. Telling myself that I had to endure another day of school. Another day of boys calling me ugly.

I was hated.

Or so I think.

The bullying was quiet severe but not too much till I can't handle.

But the effect does linger till now.

Imagine being call ugly half of your life.

How can one try and convince herself that she's actually beautiful.

So back to my IELTS speaking practice.

I was given a question, "do you think you are a good looking person and why?"

That was a tricky one.

What's even annoying is that I've been asking myself that question my whole life and I dodge it everytime. Laying the question all alone, not answered, letting it echoed through the walls of my mine.

And during that day I have no options but to tell myself that I need to answer that.

So basically I answered it with my whole heart's content. I tell them that I think I am a good looking person. Because I need to appreciate myself to be happy. Cause if I don't no one else will.

I answered that truthfully.

But of course, I hid the flaws of my answer deep in my mind.

My real answer will be longer.

".... but on the contrary, I don't really view myself as much of that good looking like how society describe it. I think I'm good looking enough for me. But if I have to say, am I good looking for another person? I would say no. I'm pretty for me myself, but no, I don't think I'm pretty enough for someone else."

That would be my real answer.

So boys, think twice when you want to bully a girl.

The effect it have sometimes last longer than you thought it could have.

Because it still lingers around with me.

The word ugly still echoes in my mind.

freaking hot pretty beautiful nina