it's been a while

Yeah.

Well usually I have things to say.

You know usually I know what to say. I know what you're going to say. I know how to adapt, I know how to blend in, I know how to make do of whatever I have.

I'm flexible and bendable. 

I wanted to become flexible.

I wanted to adapt, and blend in and become that cool person.

and now I just don't know what I am anymore.

You know those things people say for your characteristic for the month you were born in?

Well I'm a june baby and they said june babies are the most serious, and I laugh.

I mean man, which part in me is serious I don't even do homeworks and my A2 is just months away.

But,

Maybe, just maybe.

I am.

Now I started to feel so tired to keep up with conversations.

So tired to tell anyone about how I feel.

So tired of thinking that maybe someone would give a damn.

Because I'm so serious about my walls.

God, honestly; I'm so tired behind all this walls,

But where do I go?

Solitude

What kind of solitude is solitude? What kind of being alone makes you alone? Does being alone means you have to get away from any form of civilization and live in a deserted island? If that is a sole meaning of loneliness or alone-ness, then what about late night thoughts in the dark where you're in the room with god I don't know put in 5 people, would that also be considered alone, solitude? I mean aren't we the only one that can hear our own thoughts? Doesn't that mean every questions you have at this time are standing on it's own without anyone to back it up?

Can people hear your mind? Can people see a glimpse of your soul? What kind of alone makes you alone?

Seriously though you can have 4000 friends on real-life face to face knowing them and still be living a solitude life. How do we run a solitude life though? I don't know honestly, I have no idea the degree of silence of emptiness you have to get through just to deserve the title of a lone ranger, living a solitude life.

Trust me I have no idea to what extent that would be.

But all I know right now, is that we are all living a solitude life. Don't get me wrong though, humans establish their lives based on communications. Without communications or interactions to another human being or a soul, there will be no foundation. There will hardly be any life. God, one could go crazy not speaking to anybody for such a long time.  The pain and suffering would be indescribable.

So you see we humans have this hole I guess, that can be filled and left empty. From time to time we fill it with something, anything. But you see, sometimes we also need to left it empty, let it have a space, let it breath.

This space is solitude. Some time for you. And just you. Not for anyone else. Sometimes I feel this hole that we need to left empty is for you and The One.

Just for you and The One.

And no matter how lonely others sees you, it's a shame because they can't see that this fortress of loneliness you built so high up, is just a mask.

Hiding this beautiful content feelings that wrapped you like a soft cloudy cotton-candy-ish around your body. So soft and so warm.

God and the best part is, only YOU can feel it.

A writer

The key to be a writer is to write. There's no other way, there's no other crossroad to run away. There's only this one path and it is to write. Simply, start writing.

Let me be honest with myself here. 

I am so happy when I'm writing, I feel so blessed, god I can't even put it into words but writing for me 

are not only some form of escapism. It's more. It's easy. You know how you struggle maths and science and explaining yourself to people sometimes? I mean yeah I struggle. I struggle so hard that it started to make me feel tired but nevertheless I never give up. But that was that, the struggle.

But then I started writing. And it's easy because I doesn't have to struggle. It's not a battle royale for me to put on words  on my thoughts. It's like breathing, it's easy, and it keeps you alive. I don't know how I shall explain, but I guess there's this different type of writers.

There's a witty writer, where someone writes and left an impact in your life, makes you think, makes you wonder. And then, there's this writer that is full of knowledge, they led you on information and current issues, they make everything feel more worthwhile, while of course reading their piece. Because you gain something you can use later.

And then there's me. 

A normal writer by heart. 

Here's a confession at 1 am in the morning. As much giddy as I am, and fun and hectic and lovely and funny and sometimes seems to be like a wild card, I on the other hand, is someone having a very hard time to express myself. If I'm angry or sad or tired or annoyed, I find it hard for me to express myself. 

But writing makes it easier.

I mean I can write all this thing hence all my previous post is emotional damn emotional I bet, but that's it.

I can only be emotional when I write. I can only express my emotions when I write. Because whenever I write things down, I feel like I've talked to someone although I never did. Of course some people read my blog but it's not a conversation. It's just me, I'm letting you to know me through my writing. (Which is mostly on my blog because I'm a fast typewriter and lazy handwriter) I always thought that I want to be a writer because I believed that I'm good at it, but truth is I'm not.

I'm not a good writer.

Albeit all this motivation I get from my friends and family and teachers.

I'm not.

Seriously. God, I'm far from it guys.

Way far from it.

And only now that I realized this. That I'm not that good, I mean I know that from the beggining but I had hopes that I can be good one day. Be that good writer that everyone claims me to be.

But I guess not.

It's okay though.

I still like to write.

No, I write because this is who I am.

I might not be good, but I write for who I am. My writing here is me. All me. Unedited.

This is where I learn to breath in, when words verbally suffocate me.

This is where I truly live :)

A sweet stranger

I never imagined that I'll get a friend out of total stranger, and today I did masha Allah. I was in a bus to go back to shah alam because I went back home for a little while after my AS which is so much fun with my bebigels. Allahu, my life is mostly surrounded by girls ☺️

And today ya rabb let me meet this sweet girl named Nani. She's only 18, done with high school just few months ago.

It's a long story actually on how I get on the bus, my mom was honestly reluctant to let me ride the bus but the ticket have been bought nevertheless and I'm pretty sure my mom was just being my mom, mom-paranoid which is annoying and yet still a cute one.

Rezekilah kot. While my mom thought that the bus was horrible or not the best one for me, ya rabb let me meet this little one Nani. I am until now very amazed to meet this sweetie as she keep on telling her stories and stuff like there's no barriers, there's no fences and she's so translucent and pure. She's a wild girl somehow, but a sweet wild kind.

This sweet stranger already asked for my number and asking me to meet her from times to times. She even promised to meet me this Friday (which honestly I'm still shocked till now) Allahu nani even asked me to go to Krabi with her, (krabi kat thailand tu korang tau tak yang air laut biru nak mam tu)

She's such a brave little girl, during her holiday now she's using her time to go traveling from one country to another. Such a braveheart, I mean my mom wouldn't even let me go back shah alam from tbs because she's worried sick about me.

But you see, meeting this sweet stranger actually give me a different insight. Wallahi this girl is so different from me, grew up perhaps in such a different  environment and whatever she's been through before is what makes her as what she is today.

The hardest part about knowing her and knowing her past is for me not to look so surprised when in truth I was in a state of shock. She's telling me that almost all her friends are married. Few past about her boyfriend that I should not enclosed here. And her dream to wear a hijab.

The last one is the one that makes me think and wonder the most. She's been wanting to wear a hijab because she like to see women now wearing shawl and lilit sana lilit sini. She actually likes that. But somehow it's hard for her because of people judging her. Of what the community around the place that she stayed at, would love to talk about her, aka backbiting aka 'makcik makcik ngumpat'

It makes you wonder, that our society is so hard to please. That this kind of people still exist, ya rabb how do we fix this society how do we remind them that they are your slave and they are not you, the Ultimate Judge that holds All the judge of your slave ya rabb?

And second, what makes me wonder is that how our muslimah fashion have evolve today. Some people might be a little radical and thought that our muslimah fashion nowadays have been a little bit out of control that we should not wear colors we should not dressed up so much cause it contradicts the code of being a muslimah.

But can't you see? That our evolution now encourages more people to wear hijab day by day. Some people may slay my opinion, saying that no one should wear a hijab for the sake of FASHION. That it is wrong if you do not wear a hijab for the One and Only.

But my dear, what kind of eyes do you possess by looking at someone and knew  her intentions more than she knew her intentions herself? Brothers and sisters, our origin is of the white. Fitrah kita yang baik baik. Sebab kita semua hamba Dia ada secebis atau sesiat sifat sifat Dia. Hijrah orang ni bukan untuk kita ni atau awak tu analyse. Hijrah orang tu pemberian Dia pada orang tu, dan refleksi awak untuk muhasabah.

Why?

Because in the end we all are the same.

Kita hamba.

Kita tak layak hukum hamba lain dengan hukum kita.

Seeloknya kita hukum diri sendiri dulu.

Tengok, kita ada dekat mana 

Dekat dekat tebing syurga Dia ke?

Dekat penjuru bahang Jahannam? 

Wallahualam.

Sebak

Aku tak tau nak cakap macamana.

Aku tak tau nak explain macamana.

Kau pernah tak rasa punya sebak satu malam sebab ingat dosa dosa kau yang takkan pernah habis.

Lepas tu kau ingat balik semua nikmat Allah bagi kau tapi kau tetap buat dosa dekat Allah.

Pastu kau ingat apa Rasulullah buat sepanjang dia hidup sepanjang dia bernafas yang dia sentiasa rindu kat kita yang dia sentiasa kisahkan kita tapi kita buat Islam yang dia juangkan sepanjang dia hidup ni macam tak ada erti apa apa?

Pernah tak kau rasa semua tu dalam satu malam lepas tu kau meraung melalak sensorang kat atas tikar sejadah sebab kau dah tak boleh nak cakap dengan siapa lagi dah sebab kau bukannya alim mana kau still pergi tengok wayang kau still pakai jeans ketat kau still tunjuk muka kau kat media social kau still berhias bila nak keluar rumah, pokok pangkal kau tak alim kau bukanlah perfect pun nak junjung Islam sebab kau punya lompong lompong tu masha Allah, tak terkira.

Tapi still, kau meraung atas tikar sejadah sebab benda macamnilah. Sebab kau tau kalau kau cerita kat orang dorang judge kau sebab kau still tak kemana. Tapi atas tikar sejadah tu bila kau baca al-fatihah dan setiap satu ayat tu kau tarik nafas baru sebab setiap satu ayat tu kau tau Allah dengar kau tau Allah acknowledged kau sebab tu kau nangis. Sebab Dia yang Maha Satu tu, yang punya SEMUA yang kau boleh jangkau dengan semua deria kau, balas setiap doa kau dalam al-fatihah yang kadang kau buat main tu.

Yang dalam pukul 3 pagi macamni kau tau Dia yang Gah seGahnya turun tunggu kau faz. TUNGGU KAU BANGUN. Nak dengar segala rintih Kau. Nak dengar segala ngadu Kau yang walhal kau duk Malaysia je semua selesa serba serbi Allah bagi tapi DIA TURUN FAZ DIA TURUN tunggu kau.

Tapi selama ni kau tak pernah nak bangun.

Selamba je hamba yang penuh noda ni tidur seolah dunia dan seisinya ni Kau yang punya.

Aku taktau macamana.

Tapi malam ni aku rasa sebak pukul 3 pagi aku ambil wudhu aku carik telekung dengan tikar sejadah aku. Aku bentang aku melalak meraung depan dia.

Benda yang dah lama aku tak rasa.

Sebab selalu aku meraung dekat Dia sebab sedih sebab mengadu.

Tapi kali ni aku meraung sebabnya satu.

Sebab aku rasa hina.

Sebab aku rasa rindu nak rasa jadi hamba.

Dan apa yang buat aku melalak lagi teruk bila aku sedar yang rasa ni Dia yang bagi.

Sebab Dia masih nak aku rasa.

Sebab Dia yang letakkan rindu ni dalam jiwa aku.

DIA WEH.

Ya rabb weh.

Yang ada SEMUA.

Masih nak aku ni.

Aku.

sehina hina manusia jahil yang masih jahil.

Nak aku ingat kat Dia.

Tolonglah weh.

Ambiklah bila pun satu malam kau. Rasa benda ni.

Sebab aku dah tak boleh nak explain dengan kata manusia.

Nikmatnya bila kau menangis sebab Dia.

Nikmatnya menangis mengenangkan dosa kau.

Nikmatnya menangis bila kau tersedar yang kau cuma hamba yang tak punya apa-apa.

P/s: melalak sebab baca blogpost sendiri yang sejam lepas. Aku pun tak paham aku ni kenapa sebenarnya. Kelakar betul duk runsing pasal jodoh yek ye oo padahal diri sendiri pun terkontang kanting. Diri sendiri pun tak berapa nak elok ada hati nak jodoh yang gah gah. Lol pastu nangis. Tapi takpelah, biar lah aku melalak sebab dosa dari benda rapuh macam manusia.

Dilemma urban islamic

Having this night talk with beautiful ladies and of course we mumble jumble about relationship, needed to bear in mind that I'm already 20. (Even the official moments are still 5 months away) and so we were talking about feelings and stuff of adulthood. Of future I might say. And of course sometimes I would say, "untunglah dah ada boyfriend aku apa pun takde" and these girls will be at my throat and yelling and screaming that I was the one who rejected people.

And I will fall silent.

Did I?

Even though I said all those words I know deep down I never meant it, that i would wish for a boyfriend. 

And rejecting people?

I don't even know if I did that. How did you reject people. What kind of act is a form of rejection?

Define rejection. 

Define accepting. 

Define relationship.

How can you be so sure of all that? That one person is your One.

How can you be so sure that the happiness you have now will be till the Last?

How can you be so sure, with all of that?

How can you be sure that it will not crush you in, so deep that you would never get back up again.

And how do you accept a person you haven't even seen.

Do you believe whatever you're seeing now is all that you can see?

Are you looking through a window or through some eagle eye?

Is s/he is all that?

Do you accept all that? All that is not all at all.

GOD. HOW DO YOU LOVE AND UNLOVE AND LOVE AGAIN?

I don't understand at all on how can you treat relationship so lightly that one day you decide to like/love one person and that one day you decide to not like/love that person ever again?

How can you love and unlove?

Won't it break you 

won't it rip you apart 

won't it crush you

And here I am still questioning this vague existence.

Ya Allah how can you love someone, my dear and think of another person at the same time? 

I can never define true Love as true Love is undefined, it comes from Him, it goes to Him.

But this love that ya rabb gives to you just for that one person. That you will love till your last day. That won't make you think of anyone else. That won't make you even doubt him/her even for a second, as a trade for someone else. 

A relationship that is certain that comes from Him.

I want that.

I don't know how and I don't know HOW.

But I know that exist and I want that wallahi I want that and only that. I can only love one. My heart can only love one. My heart is for one and One.

So now tell me, how can you be certain for that one and never hesitate in your life,  how can you go on and have that kind of relationship without a single doubt in your heart.

I mean, how can you be so happy in a relationship, when you know deep down it is ALL wrong.

That your love now betrays your Love There.

I would be lying if I never think on having relationship (young blood boils I guess) and yet I can never imagine myself having a relationship ya rabb. Sumpah I can't.

I can't imagine loving someone when You get so angry with me.

I can't imagine loving someone and losing your love.

I'm not saying I'm nice good grieve I'm the worst and He's the Merciful, he hides all my bad deeds masha Allah.

And so, how can you have a relationship with someone when it angers Him.

Or worst.

When it makes Him feels sad for you.

Cause you know what you know and you did what you did.

I never judged those having relationship wallahi I have no rights.

I never condemn them that they are cursed that they are bad that they are a freaking villain. No.

This is what I believed in.

This is what I hold in within.

Please don't take it personally to anyone reading this.

Sumpah demi Allah aku tulis blog ni aku create blog ni untuk aku untuk aku paham dunia untuk aku paham Aku. Untuk buat aku paham hidup Aku untuk Dia so tolong takde satu pun post aku untuk aku sakitkan hati orang.

Semua aku tulis dalam ni untuk betulkan aku.

Ah peritnya perasaan ni ya rabb.

Peritnya nak jawab soalan soalan yang takkan pernah habis ni ya rabb.

Peritnya sebab asyik ragu ya rabb.

Peritnya sebab asyik torn apart ya rabb.

But if all this pain of constant fear or guilt that I have towards you, if this one part of me that I'm protecting to not let you get more Angry towards me ya rabb as I am a constant sinner.

Then let it consumes me.

So.

Again.

Define rejection.

Define accepting.

Define relationship.

Sincerely,

From a very confused 20 years old girl,

Trying to define life.

change

it's 0119 19 January 2015.

It's 2015 and just like everyone else, I wished for a change.

And change comes, inevitably.

I got new roomates lol not that new, just that Sahi swap room with Alia (my former roomate) so we have new atmosphere in the house. And just like most of you can imagine, with Sahi in the room, my life couldn't get anywhere near dull with this talkative attractive bright little lady. 

Second, because my first month of 2015 is full with exam as I am currently taking my AS exam (Ya Allah let Fazira Kamaludin get 15 for her AS exam amin) *thanks for praying for me to anyone reading this :) So I've been developing this habit of praying at the most earliest time, straight after adhaan and I'll be on my knees to the One and Only. A habit that I should've done since the earliest of time I could distinguish between the act of Jannah or Jahanam. And yet after 20 years of living did I accomplish this. And Wallahi, those calmness when you pray on time, those blessed feelings can never be utter or type onto words. They are there, vanishing all those squirmy feelings you have in your heart and breath happiness onto your soul. I guess that's a step one in feeding your soul. I mean I kept feeding my tummy not remembering that my soul is the one that is everlasting and yet I let it starve, and day by day it rots a little bit. So, I have reflected on that and 2015 give me the chance for my soul to be whole again. 

Third, Sahi developed this habit of going Subuh at Surau and so this affected on me, jemaah at surau and by tomorrow it'll be my third day jemaah at Surau for Subuh, another attempt of me trying to feed my soul. And by jemaah at Surau, my whole five prayers will be complete, at the earliest time. This post is not a bragging I swear to Allah. There is nothing for me to brag as I am still his Worst servant trying to find her way back to Him. But insha Allah if I can let this habit of mine constant, istiqamah, then it would be great.

And fourth, I have to change class for the last sem. No more Nottingham which is super saiya sad cause I started to treasure my class, I personally believe that my class have a set of the most unique people and each one of us is so different and so special on our own. To have left that is saddening, but still we can always see each other, seek for help if we need to, I mean I only change class not like I change state: not yet. My new class will be called as newquay: rather odd isn't the name? And dominated by girls as 97% of the new class population is girl-genre so I have no idea what that would be but I hope everything is going to be fine. Insha Allah.

2015 by far is kinda special.

Kinda new and off the track,

unusual. 

But a best kind of unusual.

If 2015 is a track to go back to you my Rabb.

Then don't let me go astray.

Ihdinal sirattol mustaqim.

And forever guide me,

to the straight path.

To your path.
To you.

Cause there's nowhere I want to be, 

Except towards you.

With you.

Closing the curtain of 2014

Assalamualaikum, sorry for neglecting you iLady, I've been somehow preoccupied by certain things, some call it as procrastination and well, I just happen to call it as an art of relaxing myself (just me trying to make myself feel better). And I'm sorry because I have my own personal tumblr now and I've neglected you, I guess I've lost my mojo on writing long post.

But hey, I'm here now, so let's do this.

In exactly 2 hours away, we will be leaving 2014 and thus a new chapter begins.

I would like to do some throwback, god this sounded so cliche on 2014, about what happen and how it have affect me.

So, what happens in 2014?

Well first off, WAJADIRI SABAH wuhuuuuuu!

God, I've no words to express how this one trip meant the whole transition of me being from a regular awkward high school girl to just a normal college girl. Wajadiri Sabah is basically the best thing that's ever happen to me. Hands up. I mean despite all the drama and the pain and the suffering of being scold at and being in a constant pain every single day for a straight 3 weeks, I mean I would've never thought that I could survive that kind of hell at the first place. I mean I was fat and sloppy and heavy and having to perform silat and wanting to give the best, and to sort that out, or to balance it, honey you gotta shed some skin, I mean perhaps it felt like that, like I was peeling my skin off and starting off as someone new.

What happens at Sabah? Well I thought of wanting things to be like, 'what happens at Sabah stays at Sabah' but I needed to remember this, I mean I would never forget it but just for my own memoir, I'll tell you what happens there.

I met new people. I become a crook that uses my 'tongkat' or 'crane' but it's just a small piece of bamboo I guess, I mean one small and one very big and large, and I carried it with me back and forth the training, sleep with it, eat it with it, train myself to be very skilful in hands with it. And yet I still failed to bring back any medal, but I guess that's my own fault, maybe I wasn't really giving my best or maybe silat wasn't the best for me but I like it at that time so it's okay.

Gosh a lot of things happens there. Few attempts of flirt, which is by that time is the most funniest thing ever. certain people fight over me *I'm REALLY not bragging* few rumours and all that.

And a certain particular guy already got married, that is by far the most WOW thing that ever happens in my life, and still happening I guess. Seriously I feel like certain character in a regular novel, I'm just a side-character though haahahaha.

Second:

Missing one handsome guy.

Arwah atuk.

This year is the most hectic year I've ever had in my life. It has a very happy beginning. IT WAS FUN, SABAH AND ALL. And then abang comes home. WHICH IS MORE FUN.

And then life struck me down one by one.

My second sem result was a disaster. I was basically frantic, afraid of losing the sight of my focus at that time. Afraid of losing sight of my goal. Mama got sick, like seriously sick.

Until I can't even cry in front of her because I don't want her to be more sick.

And then my aunt got into a fight and his husband walk away, and having to watch this tiny two little midgets, just begging for some love they believed have slipped away when they weren't looking.

And then grandpa falls down.

Which I never get to say goodbye. Which I never get to say how much I love him. Which I never got to see the last look on his face, which I never got the opportunity to let him know that I love him and he was never a burden to me.

That I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM so much that it hurts now cause I can't say that anymore to him.

Damn, now tears all over my keyboard.

And I'm growing up now.

I'm seeing lives being born and taken away.

I've learned from my mistakes; to never take for granted, this little things of showing how much you love someone.

Cause you'll never know, how one day you'll never get the chance to say that again.

And then I was depressed, and I left my silat group. 

Which some of the people in there were wondering why? And I never told them, but I guess I know why now.

Because whenever I saw them, or be with them I'll remember all those happiness I've been through.

And all those feelings of guilt rush through me like a tornado.

This feelings of guilt I throw upon me whenever I see them, cause I don't deserve anymore happiness, because I lost that one chance to give happiness to my grandpa, and I failed to do that.

I failed to look happy whenever I'm with him, not that I'm not.

I failed to express how happy I am to be with him.

Therefore I don't deserve anymore happiness afterwards.

I guess that's why.

I love you atuk.
I guess I always wanted to say that, but I'm a little bit late. Will you forgive me?

or maybe all I need is to forgive myself.

Allahurabbi.

2014 is a hell of a ride.

But is it a crappy year?

Well, I think it's definitely a majestic year.

Where I found You back.

Where I learned sorrow and darkness.

Where I learned how life would be.

So thankyou to everyone.

Thank you for this 'something-else' year.

Thank you for letting me be here still.

Thank you for painting me, with all the colours that you have, onto me.

And 2015....
Well, I just hope that I'll live.

not a redundant

You know what?

We were never the same person we thought we were.

Even one second ago.

We're constantly in this phase of motion.

It's not necessarily though that this motion moves forward,

it could also be a reverse. But whatever what it is, we're in motion.

We're changing. All the time.

And like all of you have realized, it's already december of 2014.

I'm sorry though that this blog have been rusty. I've getting a little bit rusty but nevermind I'm writing now.

Season changes. And so do people.

But changes are what shaped us homo sapiens to become a survivor.

but straight to the point now. 

I have less than a year, of having this probability that I'll fly to UK if and only if the world still remains the same. And I can see that my parents are freaking out. They have envisioned that I'll be leaving them, and one way or another, this breaks their heart. 

My mom and my dad is not the type that constrict their children into what they want. We were raised to become dreamers. To be whatever we want to be, we were taught the world is limitless. That's the best thing about loving them and to be love unconditionally by them. And I knew that having their daughter, I mean the youngest daughter to leave them behind, after their eldest one found his way out somewhere in Colorado, shipping this little girl ain't gonna be all that rainbows or cotton candy. I knew that from the start. I knew the hints that they give even before I started to apply for my scholarship. I knew it all along.

And I knew if I'm a good daughter I wouldn't continue. I would stop by then right there and be here with them. But I also knew that I'm not that much of a good daughter. 

I am the rebellious type, I always go against whatever people expect me to be. I don't know why but I just do. But I also know that this decision of wanting to go away have nothing to do with wanting my old folks to get hurt, it's more than that actually. 

I want more. I know I can be content with just being here with my parents and make them happy. And I know making them happy is every source of happiness I could ever get. 

But I also believe in making more than my old folks happy.

I wanted to do good to a lot more people.

So I needed this.

I needed to go out. I needed experience cause I am so lacking in that field of expertise.

And living on my own. 

Getting out there and having everything thrown onto my plate is what I need.

I need to become a fighter.

For me.

and for them.

The best thing about my crazy old folks (my best definition of crazy not that they are) is that they always fight for us. I was shown with various of battles, not in literal though, but battles of life. And they show me upfront like a HD tv and I know that they are real. That all these battles are real and one day, I am gonna be the one that's going to be in combat.

I'm preparing myself for battle wounds and scars.

And my parents knew that, that is the thing that keeps breaking them.

Because sending your kid, your children to wars; it's like having part of yourself go.

go to this endless turbulent and storm.

but it's okay ma.

it's okay ayah.

I'm not the same little girl I used to be anymore.

I've been through small battles too, I've scars all over me.

I will be your strong little girl.

I will become a fighter for you.

xxx

clean slate 3.0

It's 8.17 pm. 

On a not-so-quiet Tuesday night.

And I am done with my third sem at Intec. Alhamdulillah I have survived the hassle of being a wreckage at the beginning of the sem just because I didn't pass my pointer which I did later on when I excel my supp paper (which cost RM200) so it better be worth it and thank god it is worth it. This also brings me to the state of mind that if you don't study for college, you're not gonna pass through that easily like you did at high school and honey high school is soooooooooooo different from college and I guess I just need to suck it up. I don't know why, I'm still at this state of mind that I'm 17. Not trying to claim that I am evergreen or having a spur of moment; everlasting youth. It's just that, I'm stuck at being 17. I'm stuck at the idea of 17. I guess I never once imagined myself over 17.

So yes, everything that happens now. Is out of my imagination.

Out of my mind control.

Out of my expectation.

And I have never imagined that I've survived one year and a half of college.

Which marks 2 years I've been out of school.

And I never felt like I've blinked you know. 

And holidays does not in any way to be define as slacking back relax and making myself fat anymore for this sem break.

It is being redefined as study your ass off because AS external is on its way and honey it is as fast as it can get, like a bullet train.

Thinking about how things turns out as how it is now, makes me wonder.

I mean I imagined life as it is before I turned 17. But now that I've gotten over it, my mind couldn't keep pace with the reality.

That in a few months I'll be thousand of miles away from home.

And that is very very..... terrifying.

and with all this things going on, I just.

Just.

Am not sure how to handle things.

Just.

Am not sure of what's happening.

It's just.

Just.

I don't know how to be me anymore.

Or if I'm being one.

I guess time and age kinda messed up your mind.

And I'm not even sure for how long it'll be.

I just

hope I can get through.

p/s: I have a tumblr which I just created for short writings. I have one before but that is just for reblogging. and maybe I'll be less active here. Just saying, don't miss me okay?

Courage

This come randomly in my head one night.

I guess it was last night.

Kenduri tahlil for arwah atuk was held last night and as usual, family gathers.

And I've met my cousins, and it was lovely in a way.

But this little cousin of mine is just 11 years old and she was excited as she came back from her school camp. Which kinda brought me walking down a memory lane, of me myself when I was exactly 12 years old and having my first camp at a jungle. The camp was torturous in a way but the most adventurous camp I've ever been in my whole life (as it turns out I haven't got the chance to go camping at any jungle after that). My cousin, her name is Maria, and she told her exciting stories, of course nevertheless, the most exciting thing a for things to happen in a camp is ghost stories.

And I remembered mine, having to walk on my own. In the jungle, we were prepared a road, so dark that all I could see is the moon light and the dim light from the street lamps that is located so far away from one another. 

I remembered being scared, but I also remembered not crying, not flinching, not girl-like at all.

And I remembered, seeing someone in the wood besides me, giving away sounds I did not recognized.

But the me at that age have grown more than usual. I've instantly put a label to any sound or anything that I've saw to be something artificial. Something that my teachers would do for fun. I've put away fear because I believed fear would only draw these creatures closer to me.

And now when I'm older I kind of realized that, I wasn't being brave. I was just trying to be safe. My mind protected me to not give in into my fear. That there are nobody out there who is fearless. We all fear something, we all have something to be scared of.

But how we managed our fear, is what is supposed some people call as courage.

And during that time I guess, I was so fearful that I tell myself to manage my fears, so that I can be safe.

And I guess over time, I've managed to cope up with having myself managing my fears. If there's something that I'm afraid of, my mind will think of a way to escape, to manage that fears. It could be me facing the fears or the other way around, but whatever it is, I'd know that it's a way that I'm trying to keep myself safe.

That we human, always just wanted to keep ourselves safe.

To live.

And to survive.

Prochnost.

And I hope from time to time, I'll learn to be more braver, to conquer my fear more and to overcome every obstacles there is infront of me.

Let's be wild creatures.

Disembark from this sea of emotions.

Be a conqueror.

And live. 

scars

Hey everyone.

I've been in my holiday mood since last Thursday.

I am here now at JB with my beloved, a luxury I can never say no to.

So like usual, holiday is always connected with me watching my series, being at home doing some gemuk-fication. Bullies my mom and my sister, reading books and of course, shutting the outer world.

Me being happy in my bubble wrap.

That's what holiday means to me.

So. I just really wanted to update my blog but I don't really have anything to talk about. Which is funny because I've always have something to complain about and then motivated myself back. I mean this is the whole purpose of my blog. To pour out and to retain myself back.

I have so many things to say about what happen before holiday but then past is past so I'm not really that eager-ish to share the stories. And I guess some people are meant to be story tellers and some people are meant to be a listener and I'm maybe more to the later.

But the night before raya haji, we have a ladies night.

Me, akak and mama. Pouring our heart out. In total darkness.

Basically that's what I do when I met akak after a long time we haven't seen each other.

My best of best of friend is my sister, and also my mother.

I guess blood is blood.

and I guess what I learned in that total darkness, is that the scar I have when I was a kid.

I meant as indirect scar which is my childhood year being ruined by some, immature boys that acted like brats, do impact me in a way I never recognizes.

I cried in that total darkness, 

I thought the pain had gone away but it's still there in the back of my head.

My mom questioned the fact that I've never told here after all these times, and I have no words. All I knew was that I thought during that time it is something that I have to handle on my own. That it's only some kids act and nothing to be worried about.

But I guess it hurts in a way.

And maybe because I was keeping it all in that it explodes one fine day.

And that day happens to be few nights before this night.

almost ten years later or more.

I was sexually harassed when I was six.

It's not really a big deal but yes,I was six, and I had to deal with this thing on my own.

And I guess I still have some vendetta against these memories.

I haven't let it go.

I haven't learn on how to really really let go.

maybe one day I'll learn to appreciate my scars.

And I hope that one day can come soon.

audacity.

Audacity. Arrogance.

is somehow near to act of ignorance. I think. When people associate those who ignored someone or something as arrogant. As an act of arrogance.

Right.

Somehow I'm in this enigma.

When I'm being myself and people thought of me as being arrogant.

I always tell myself not to care too much on what people are going to say about me.

That it's okay to say no.

But it is still a hard thing to do.

I often hardly decline what other people want me to do.

Which is unhealthy, because in the end I know I need myself to be happy too.

But there is nothing more painful than having people to have bad thoughts about you.

When all you do, is to be yourself.

and this bothers me to pieces. 

It kinda aches.

Ya rabb I have You and I know You know.

This feelings came from You because You are All Knowing.

And so my Lord could you let them know in their hearts that I love them.

That I thanked you everyday for the past days I've cherished with them.

That they are gifts that I adore, that they are experience that I've always longed for.

But my Lord, 

as for you who knows everything, then you must've understand the feelings that came within.

This aching feeling, of doubt and unpleasure.

Also come in place with them.

And so in trade, I had to let them go.

I know some might think that this doesn't make sense.

But I don't need you to make sense out of me.

I need you to believe me. 

Which is funny, because that's the whole reason for all of this.

I am a hard person myself in believing.

Some people might wander why I'm acting like this.

Here I'll tell you why.

I have my trust broken so many times before.

Friends who betrayed me in the end after I showered them love.

Been isolated when I've done nothing wrong.

Bullied by boys.

Been cheated.

I've scarred to many times that I guess now I get a bit bitter.

Because I was hurt for countless numbers of times before.

And I left it in me. I kept it in me.

I never shared it with anybody and show my smile to everyone.

I grew up before time.

And unlike most of people.

I'm more realistic, I'm more bitter.

That right now all I believe is that I have Him.

and anyone else who couldn't cope up with me will eventually leave me.

So I became this little lady,

who will not care if you want to walk away from me.

I'll just see.

I'm lost now.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

I never regain back that confidence to have faith in anyone ever again.

trust me, pain mould you into something you'd never understand.

And in a contradict way it also makes you unfamiliar with your own pain.

You become numb.

And for my case I'm always numb.

But one day if all my feelings come rushing, that's when I know hell break loose.

Even my brother could not handle it when I cried.

My sister could never handle it when I cried.

These two veins of mines will cry together with me if I were to drop in tears.

Because I rarely cry infront of people anymore.

and when I do it'll become unbearable.

I remember my sister saying to me, when I cried to my brother on his shoulder when I failed my result for last sem. That I sobbed so hard because that is the only time I've started to feel again.

And I remember that my brother tell me not to cry because he will start to cry to *comel kan my brother

And that later when my sister came home and I've went back to intec, he told her, "Aku tak boleh tengok adik kau nangis."

Which is also one of the reason why I hated crying.

All my feelings will be dispersed as if emotions were aura.

I'll let them go when I cry.

See, I even have a hard time putting trust into my own family.

God knows how hard it is for me to tell you stories.

unless you're family. unless you're in my bubble wrap.

Even so I never open up my heart.

anymore and I don't know why, and I don't know when I'll open up my heart in believing more people. 

That maybe they'll stay after all.

That everything will become better.

Maybe one day.

Maybe not now.

And I guess it's okay if other people doesn't understand me.

because good Lord I got You.

And You'll understand me :)

And that's all I need.

light

Have you ever felt like a bulb?

A light bulb?

Where you shine everyday and spread your lights.

That's how I felt when I'm happy. That's what I see when people are happy.

They're like this luminous light bulb.

An everlasting light that shine when you smile genuinely.

But lately I felt like my light bulb is getting dimmer.

and I was thinking of writing about arwah atuk here but it'll be a pain I can't endure.

And resulting in me whimpering in sadness in my sleep which I reckoned maybe it can be postponed later.

Whatever it is atuk I always pray that you'll be fine and may He grant you a place within His side.

And that I'll always remember your beautiful smile and your warmness when you tell me in tears to never abandon or go against mama and ayah everytime I shake your hand asking for forgiveness during hari Raya.

And although it breaks my heart cause there's no picture with you during this eid which I never knew how it could happen this way, maybe it was a sign, or maybe it's just the way it is but I'll love you and I might not get to said good bye but it's okay I guess, I get my goodbyes when I kiss you in your sleep before I went on my bus to shah alam. Perhaps that too, was a sign. who knows?

I don't know what aches.

I don't know what strangled the oesophagus.

But what I know this feeling is killing me away.

That maybe my light bulb is getting dimmer. And maybe that's just for a while or maybe it'll be long but I don't know and what I know is that my light is slipping away.

Maybe because mama was sick.

And she's in more pain now that atuk's gone.

And that my aunty with two little child is being abandoned by her husband.

and that my grandma lost his husband, the one she's been with almost more than half her life.

And abang a thousand miles away.

Maybe the reason I am losing my light is because my own light is in pain.

My family is in pain. And that means I'm also in pain, because their blood runs in my veins.

Their pain is in fact my pain *exaggerating or not

But also I believe that pain came with endless lesson.

That everything that can't kill you makes you stronger.

That the reason He test you is because He loves you and He have faith in you.

And so I believe that all this turbulent and storm was just a minor suffering we have to go through.

I mean masya Allah, His jannah worth all these sufferings.

He himself worth all this sufferings.

And because I'm hundreds miles away from my family,

I only ask You my Lord,

to take care of them like how they took care of me.

And give them strength in all your trials.

So that they'll be happy.

And I'll be happy.

So that we can all shine again together.

So that my lights can shine again together.

And brighter.

Insha Allah :)

of love.

Tonight is the night when I crave for words.

When I wanted to pour my emotions into syllabus.

Tonight is my night.

Tonight is when I wanted to talk about feelings and emotions.

Of love.

I am a lovable person I guess. And so does everyone else.

I mean I love love. They're... if to be describe are like this fluffy feelings that keeps you floating.

And in general I guess I am loved, so by people around me and I thanked him everyday for that.

I just wanted to say that I've never experienced that feeling when you lost the one that you love.

And I never know how I will deal with that in the future.

I have endured failures.

I have endured bullying.

I have endured public humiliation.

I have endured people lying to me when they said they love me.

But I have never been in the situation where I will lost my loved ones.

And I never wanted to be in.

But that is not my choice.

In fact it is not a choice.

I have to went through with it someday.

No matter what.

So what trigger tonight's topic? Nothing technically just having a walkdown memory lane.

One of the reasons I have this huge humongous ego when it comes to loving someone, is probably because I was bullied when I was a kid, into maybe, idk having trust issues with guys? maybe. But mostly because I have my trust crumpled before by a guy who technically saying that he liked me and at the same time liked my best friend too.

Which is confusing and also crushing down someone's self esteem which is to say is me.

Hence technically proved at that time that a guy's love is very very deceiving.

and over time, yes. 

It is proven upon my eyes.

But also over time I kind of learn to know humans behaviour.

And despite my age, I have tried to understand most of people situations and try to fit in their shoes.

TRY. not literally fit in.

so over time I learned that maybe guys are somehow, indecisive.

that they like to keep their options open.

That somehow this is their nature.

But it goes totally the opposite way to me as I believe love, in it's own nature is one.

And that is why we have only one heart and not two nor three.

So I believe in a complete monopoly of the one that you love.

so technically I have to understand both and adapt into it. And so I did.

But also that makes me believe, or more accurately, strengthen my believe to not trust any guy until he is THE ONE.

Which is basically why I am heartless in a way now.

but that's just the side stories.

Here's the real deal.

My grandpa is sick.

Before this he is sick too, he had a stroke. Which is mild, cause he can still move, but hardly can move 100% of his left parts but yes he can still walk around.

But lately after my brother left for US, he got sicker day by day.

My grandpa couldn't walk and so he is weaker.

And nothing can break my heart seeing him like that.

And I don't know if this makes me a bad person but I have readied myself for the worst to come.

It aches, but the thought or the idea is there.

I just want to say that I'm not that heartless.

This heartless girl is basically just a girl who were once hurt.

But she's not heartless, she's just cautious.

If I'm heartless, I wouldn't feel so much pain right now leaving my family behind.

Watching my mom cried every time I have to go back here at intec.

It kills me.

IT LITERALLY KILLED ME.

I died a thousand time over when I see her cried.

and after all this incidents that happen in my life I realized there's much more to love that just about monopoly or between a guy or a girl.

Love is just......

love.

Your soul picked the one you love.

Your soul adapt to it.

Your soul become one.

And to have some parts of your soul leave you, how would that feel?

I think it will feels as if your soul being ripped apart.

So here I hope you can make a dua for my grandpa and my mama.

For both to be healthy soon.

And for me to be stronger too :)

Thankyou.

sombong.

Some said that I have changed, that I've become somebody else. 

That I've been shutting off people because I can.

Simply put maybe people think that I was being superior, and arrogant.

Maybe.

OR maybe that is just how I think.

Well the thing is it's not that I'm being arrogant, but this is somehow the other side of me.

I did not changed, I just show you the other side of me.

I never said that I was the type who is outgoing all the time, I did not said that I can tolerate whatever it is without limitation.

I have my own pace at my own agenda.

I am full with secrets.

I guess we all are universe full with secrets.

Therefore I am sorry for hurting anybody.

But here I am to clarify, that I am not being arrogant.

I am being me :)

And for the rest,

you can go ahead and judge me.

Little heaven.

Hai

It's been quite long since my last entry.

And today I'm gonna rant it all out.

I'm going to tell you about my family, the whole beauty of my family.

First off, ayah.

What about ayah?

Ayah is my definition of a perfect guy? why? Because he is downright funny, good-looking, had the most noble heart and the most patient and understanding guy I've ever met in my whole entire life. My dad love my mom the way she is, my mom is not a cook-person, she did not cook, rarely as in once a year, and yes my dad still love her the way she is. He did not ask her to change. Persuaded her maybe, to cook sometimes but never once it is a force or an order. No tell me where can I find this type of guy nowadays, where all they want is someone pretty and intelligent and a great cook bla bla yada yada,  as in human perfection exist. But still, when it comes to romance they said, "I'll accept you the way you are." All bullshit talk and no action.

Mama.

Is a beauty.

She is not a cooker. But she is a perfect mother. Who loves to clean the house. So if my mom is not a good cook ofc it passed down to her children but that doesn't mean that I don't want learn how to cook, I will, someday. But I doesn't need my mom's cook, all I need is her love and that is more than enough, the love that she have showered upon us, her children.

Abang.

Another definition of perfection, or my ideal type of guy perfection.

Good looking, humorous, a brilliant guy, knows how to cook very well. And love his family just the way we are. Never play with a woman's heart (wow) but most of all very very lovely. We might be apart, but we'll always be close at heart :)

Akak.

The lovely little lady, who loves to sulk, rant to me for hours about what happened to her, are perfectly rounded and cute nevertheless and now have someone waiting in line. I can't this little girl that I've been bullying since we're little have a serious guy waiting for her. And of course like me and all of my siblings, we're egoist.

None of us have a relationship until now.

I just wonder who'll be the first?

Above all.

All of this people accepted me for who I am, and I accepted them for who they are.

and,

this little heaven, is forever mine to keep.

claustrophobic

You need to know.

That sometimes when I said 'you' it might not mean a person.

When I said sea, it might meant my endless thoughts.

When I said disappearing, it might meant something else.

My words are words layered by undeciphered thoughts.

I chose to leave because I need to.
Because I want to.
Because I have to.

Because sometimes I think I need to breath.

P/s: ini cerita tentang sekelompok manusia dengan aku. Tapi mostly ini masalah aku bukan masalah sekolompok manusia tu. Aku claustrophobic. Tu masalah aku.

thin air

I hate people who suddenly walks away.

Because I felt rejected.

Without knowing why.

Therefore basically I hate myself.

As I myself,

do that a lot: walking away.

Well I'll make myself clear.

Even though my 'clear' is always still very very shady and not clear at all as I like to beat around the bushes.

cover my words layer by layer with uncertainty until you may not know what I want in real.

But that's what I'm good at.

haven't I told you I am very cunning.

Like a fox,

and somehow adapt the same cuteness they have.

hahaha ok that one is a lie.

But here's the thing.

I have a thing in my mind, an agenda that needs to be done.

Of me, fading into thin air.

But here's the thing, I don't want to hurt any soul, as it goes against my values.

But fading will definitely left a hole in the soul of my people.

And therefore here I am in a dilemma.

of either being a thin air.

or left a hole inside of my own soul.

\

I have these two options.

Of either hurting, or to get hurt.

see...

you're a bliss, and you're also a scar.

I see you and I see happiness,

but it's the kind of happiness that aches.

and I have let myself get hurt over and over again that I can no longer let myself aches.

so you're the happiness that aches.

And I have to let you go.

Will you let me disappear into thin air?

roda

Hidup ni roda.
Kejap awak dekat atas.
Kejap awak dekat bawah.
Kadang tu roda awak boleh pancit.
Atau meletup.

Dan kali ni Allah bagi awak rasa duduk dekat bawah.
Sebab awak dah selesa sangat duduk dekat atas lama sangat kan.
Allah bagi awak rasa sakit tergelincit terkehel ni.


Awak tak payah nak salahkan sesiapa.
Even kalau awak tau ada salah orang lain ke hapa ke dah tak guna dah sekarang.
Sebab yang penting sekarang salah awak.
Awak tak fokus.
Awak tak ready.
Awak banyak sangatttttt sangatttt main.
Awak terlalu carefree.


Jadi sekarang Dia lempang awak.
Sebab Dia sayang awak.


Sakit perit tu takpayah simpan lama lama. Awak nak simpan jadi pekasam nak buat apa kan? Benda dah jadi.

Hah ni, dia bagi awak peluang kedua awak amek elok elok.
Awak buat betul betul.

Dan kalau.
Andai kata kalau.

Awak memang takde rezeki dekat situ.
Awak redha lah.
Walaupun pahit awak telan lah.
Awak kan kuat.

Mama akak semua kata awak kuat.
So kuatkan lah diri awak.
Ingat.
Yang bagi awak rezeki Dia.


Bukan orang lain.



Dan hati yang terluka.
Mohon awak sembuh cepat.
Kita ada battle lepas ni.

P/S: Oh luahan hati sbb tak lepas pointer JPA. Tu je.