thin air

I hate people who suddenly walks away.

Because I felt rejected.

Without knowing why.

Therefore basically I hate myself.

As I myself,

do that a lot: walking away.

Well I'll make myself clear.

Even though my 'clear' is always still very very shady and not clear at all as I like to beat around the bushes.

cover my words layer by layer with uncertainty until you may not know what I want in real.

But that's what I'm good at.

haven't I told you I am very cunning.

Like a fox,

and somehow adapt the same cuteness they have.

hahaha ok that one is a lie.

But here's the thing.

I have a thing in my mind, an agenda that needs to be done.

Of me, fading into thin air.

But here's the thing, I don't want to hurt any soul, as it goes against my values.

But fading will definitely left a hole in the soul of my people.

And therefore here I am in a dilemma.

of either being a thin air.

or left a hole inside of my own soul.

\

I have these two options.

Of either hurting, or to get hurt.

see...

you're a bliss, and you're also a scar.

I see you and I see happiness,

but it's the kind of happiness that aches.

and I have let myself get hurt over and over again that I can no longer let myself aches.

so you're the happiness that aches.

And I have to let you go.

Will you let me disappear into thin air?

roda

Hidup ni roda.
Kejap awak dekat atas.
Kejap awak dekat bawah.
Kadang tu roda awak boleh pancit.
Atau meletup.

Dan kali ni Allah bagi awak rasa duduk dekat bawah.
Sebab awak dah selesa sangat duduk dekat atas lama sangat kan.
Allah bagi awak rasa sakit tergelincit terkehel ni.


Awak tak payah nak salahkan sesiapa.
Even kalau awak tau ada salah orang lain ke hapa ke dah tak guna dah sekarang.
Sebab yang penting sekarang salah awak.
Awak tak fokus.
Awak tak ready.
Awak banyak sangatttttt sangatttt main.
Awak terlalu carefree.


Jadi sekarang Dia lempang awak.
Sebab Dia sayang awak.


Sakit perit tu takpayah simpan lama lama. Awak nak simpan jadi pekasam nak buat apa kan? Benda dah jadi.

Hah ni, dia bagi awak peluang kedua awak amek elok elok.
Awak buat betul betul.

Dan kalau.
Andai kata kalau.

Awak memang takde rezeki dekat situ.
Awak redha lah.
Walaupun pahit awak telan lah.
Awak kan kuat.

Mama akak semua kata awak kuat.
So kuatkan lah diri awak.
Ingat.
Yang bagi awak rezeki Dia.


Bukan orang lain.



Dan hati yang terluka.
Mohon awak sembuh cepat.
Kita ada battle lepas ni.

P/S: Oh luahan hati sbb tak lepas pointer JPA. Tu je.

suffering.

There are a lot of types of suffering. But the most common one, is being hurt.

But some of you need to know, that watching the one you love being hurt, is not only a suffering, 

it's also what I called as a torture.

I love my mama.

Despite her babbling all the times. I love her. I will always do.

I might deny her rights of getting worried about me, because I hate it when she do that.

But what can I do, that's her right for being a mama.

To worry about me, to get paranoid for me, to worry about her child.

Because it's her child.

My mama always have this panic attack, whenever I told her that I'm going somewhere adventurous.

like maybe to the woods, to the beach, to the lake, or even to hike a mountain.

She always imagine me, getting there, but not getting back home somehow.

I don't blame her imagination, for all I know maybe I got those talent of imagining too much from her.

hahaha. But yeah, you got the point. She worries. A LOT.

But I always, well how do I say, cheated on her, a little. Just a little.

Sometimes, when I have the guts.

I only told her after I went somewhere so she can't be mad at me,

so she can't envisioned me, in a total catastrophe somewhere she haven't even been.

Because she have this power, I called it 'tulah mama', when she said something bad, sometimes that something bad can happen.

Which is the precise thing I wouldn't want to happen when I want to go somewhere.

I always get into this quarrel with her.

It's not bad, it's just that it is really bad ones.

We can fight until I cried, or worse, I made her cried.

Yeah, you can call me a very derhaka daughter or whatsoever, 

but this is how we communicate, 

I always get mad at her, and so does her in another way around.

But things will always get better,

I will snapped at her, and she will to, at me.

And when that happen I will tell her everything, 

And she will tell me everything,

and that's when everything will become better.

When we are honest with each other.

I never understood my mother's approach before this.

She always wanted to be best friend with her kids.

and I love that idea, but I just don't love the idea when I report to her about something and she freaked out.

But now as I grew older, I realized what she's trying to do after all.

She's trying to keep me close.

Albeit the fact that I quarrel with her heck tonnes of times,

but in those quarrel I always knew what she feels, and she knew mine.

And that's what best friend do right?

I never get why she worries so much.

Before.

But now I get it,

I get the feeling of being helpless and hopeless when something bad happen to the one that you love.

Mama's been sick for a month, we don't even know why. We go to several clinics and hospital and every doctor said that mama is fine. But here's the deal, she's not. And she's not getting any better.

At first I thought it was just in her mind.

Mama had this way of, somehow exaggerating a lot of things. 

And I thought that she exaggerated her feelings of sickness.

That maybe it's only in her head.

so the first few weeks were when I mentally pushed her.

I asked to her to be tougher, I tell her that everything was a play of mind.

I told her about placebo effects, god I even play with psychological terms.

I told her that she's tougher than anything else.

That it's okay. That she's okay.

And she will get through this.

But she didn't.

She still get sick.

And every methods comes out. From the superstitious believes and whatnot,

we tried everything, 

ustaz coming over,

salt all over the house, for barrier  they said.

I'm not so into all of this, but that doesn't mean I won't believe it.

but until now, the thing is still the same.

Mama is still sick.

And I couldn't take it today.

So I cried. Alone, in my bedroom.

To Him, so that He can hear me, and I know He can.

And I beg, 

and I plead,

And kneel,

So that He can take away all those pain from her.

Or at least give her strength to fight it away,

because I already lost mine.

I can't take it anymore,

because I feel so hopeless and helpless,

like I'm no use to her.

Mama always come to my room, lay beside me,

asking me to massage her in which I did,

and then she will look me in the eye,

all watery,

And said "I'm so sorry I get sick."

And everytime she do that, I tell myself to keep it all in, 

don't cry you can't cry never ever dare to cry infront of her

And so I did.

I put on my smiling face, and make a joke. And said,

"Jangan begitu dong, Intan harus kuat, harus semangat" with my annoying indonesian accent.

There are this sinetron at astro Ria long ago, story about this Intan, that whenever something

bad happen to her, she will tell herself that.

And so my family members always said to each other this joke, whenever things gets hard, and it always worked.

And I tried that to myself tonight,

but I didn't work.

So I burst myself to tears.

My mom is apologizing to me for being sick.

THAT IS WRONG.

THAT IS SO WRONG 

that the reason I wanted to cry is because I was so mad and so sad and felt so helpless when she said that.

My mom always said, that her children are the pillars of her life.

She got stronger for us.

Just for us.

I might be all iron up.

I might look tough, especially infront of her.

Mama always said to me,

"You are the most hati kering punya budak"

And I always laugh and give her my kening double jerk.

And said, "Well I'm your daughter" and a wink.

But she doesn't know that I cried for her.

Because I need to be tough for her.

Because if I don't, how can she be?

Because I'm one of her pillar.

I need to be concrete.

So today here I am writing this, writing my heart out.

Just wanting to share a story with you guys, 

after I try to dry my eyes up.

so that you guys will appreciate every moments you have with your mom.

Just like how I did with mine.

And I will love your kindness, if you guys can pray for my mama to be healthy soon

:)

Thank you so much.

P/s: my mom sickness, or rather not a sickness, but it's not like cancer or whatsoever, but she's sick, and she's suffering and she's my mom and so I'm worried. That's why I really hope you guys can pray for her. I really love for her to be all healthy for this ramadhan. And thank you :)

For dreams

I have done reading TFIOS.

And currently reading  Looking For Alaska.

And I haven't even finished reading Peculiar children yet.

God I wanted to read everything yet people keep hijacking my reading spirit sprint.

And then I wanted to write.

Still wanting to write.

Even when I have absolutely no idea what to talk about.

So today, I went to legoland. 

For the first time, contrary to the fact that I lived at JB and I should have went there long time ago, but I didn't, in fact I didn't even went in the Legoland I mean the main theme park we just walk along the mall they have there, mind to tell you the ticket to enter legoland is extremely expensive, well in my kind of sense. I could not afford such luxury for a temporary happiness.

I can afford a free permanent happiness and memories if I wanted too.

And besides, Legoland is more to kids fairy land kind of sort.

USS might sounds more better though, even if it kinda cost the same or even might be higher.

So as I was walking along the mall and streets of legoland,

I mean this glorified theme park lego-based and everything,

and when I was in the car and saw how my city, my JB city have changed a LOT.

I just couldn't resist of this feeling of nostalgia and somehow this feeling of lost.

Like it seems to me I lost something.

Like something is never going to be the same.

Like with this whole urbanisation, there's a bit of my soul were taken with it.

And then I realised that I was having this kind of panic attack.

This feelings of wanting things to stay the way they were before.

This feeling of fear.

Of not wanting to grow up 

Even when I am in the process of it.

But it's not the feeling of fear or the resentment of the whole glorifying-the-city project or whatsoever

that I want to emphasize here.

It's the feeling that I get, when I see my city changing to a more vibrant colours.

That I feel like,

"This is it."

That this is why I needed to be more successful, be more hardworking.

To chase whatever it is that I wanted to be, whatever I have dreamt of,

and it's not really for the sake of the city 

or even for the reason that my city might've changed so much that I needed to keep pace with it.

It's just that I felt,

if my city can changed so much,

if all these people can think so much on how to improve and bring comfort to other people,

let's toss aside the materialistic matter for awhile now shall we?

I mean if they can work so hard in making the dreams of other people come true,

why can't I try my best to make sure that my dreams will come true too?

I mean,

why not?

P/s: For dreams.

Flaws

So here are a list of some of my "flaws".

1. sepet
2. suara helium
3. average height
4. tanned
5. have this weird smile
6. laugh at almost everything, even the slightest thing I think was funny even if it's a grave matter
7. Care at certain time, not all the time. I sometimes think that enough is enough. Simply saying I'm not that caring sangat kinda person, but I'll poke my nose to your business if I needed to.
8. have this fear of commitment
9. hate frogs
10. claustrophobic
11. kinda awkward at the first encounter
12. avid procrastinator
13. hated PDA, no hate is a strong word how about dislike?
14. conveyed my feelings through writing much more better than speaking it
15. bodoh maths
16. tak suka jog, malas senam
17. I don't plan anything in my life I just do what I want to do
18. I don't even finance or manage my money for god sake
19. I eat what I want regarding the prices.
20. which basically means I'm dumb and careless
21. hated zombies
22. can't watch psychotic movies because I'll have nightmares and starting to question the humanity
23. fear of commitment.

..... and more to go.

BUT.

I love all of my flaws.

And to those who do love them and still stick with me.

Thank you :)

Pace.

You know what it's freaking 3.11 am in the morning and tomorrow I might go to BBW at Danga City Mall, and here I am ranting in my blog. And, um I don't even know why. 

All my family members have went to sleep.

And here I am.

I don't even know why I just feel the urge and need to write.

You see I'm having this self conflict where I debate with myself.

I always think in one way or another I have changed.

That maybe,

I'm different than before, heck that's the whole purpose saying that I've changed.

Arjuna Beta - Fynn Jamal is currently singing at the background

But you know what?

Maybe after all I did not changed.

That maybe I thought that I've changed but I'm not.

It's just in my head, what if that is what I want to think of?

What if all this was just me, assuring myself that I have progressed further, than just merely adapting and fitting in into the society? But the fact was the total opposite?

I thought I was braver, but.. really, wasn't I just delaying myself, or holding myself from something greater, or in other exact words, doesn't it look like I was just hiding.

From the bitter truth of reality?

Maybe after all I'm still scared.

Maybe after all I'm still being overly protective.

Maybe after all, I'm still this little girl inside me who have it a little bit hard during my childhood period.

Maybe after all I'm just killing time. 

Or buying it.

Funny, how this two sentence totally meant differently but can fit into one.

Because If I am killing time then it will be wasting the whole purpose or effort.

And If I were buying some time, it'll meant that I put all my effort into it.

And then the irony is you can't even kill or buy time.

Such wonders, huh?

I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it or to a certain point now I am starting to question my existence, which is pretty bad, I guess that's what you get after such a long holiday and you were being non-productive person, as I am eating and sleeping constantly like it is a mantra or a beauty charm I have to perform everyday.

What are you doing faz?

The truth is I felt so frustrated with myself.

Day by day I told myself to become better, but yet I don't feel like it.

I wanted to change to be a better muslimah and I still feel like I'm not even putting an effort.

And I see these pretty ladies, with determination and such grace, trying to change day by day to become better.

And here I am.

I'm not even sure if I'm falling backwards or I'm just stumbling down, 

or am I even going further?

You see I wanna go further, but I also wanna go with my own pace.

But sometimes I worried, 

What if my own pace won't make it in time?

You see

In the end,

It's all about my ego.

You have choices in life, 

to do, or not to do.

Choose carefully.

Because that's when everything else starts next.

P/s: I little bit of a self sentap emo advice at the middle of the night. Or morning I supposed.

A-level

I don't know which one is scarier.

The thought of me doing A-level.

Or

The thought of me not doing A-level.

I think both are my greatest nightmare.

So it's already June and I'm still here, not starting any revision at all.

Which is bad. Like really really bad. With the news of AS that we have to take this upcoming January.

And IELTS this October or August I'm not sure between those two. *truth is I don't pay attention in class*

Or maybe after all I am afraid of what the future holds.

When I shouldn't.

I mean I have no right to be worried, when I make no effort at all.

*Dush sebijik kena kat batang hidung*

One moment it seems to absurd, I mean all of this, the subjects and the papers.

Sometimes they make no sense at all.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing here, I'm not supposed to learn all this, I'm supposed to take up psychology, where minimum numbers required to be learn, and yet here I am back to square one, having to learn maths plus account all over again.

It's like a war that never ends.

Sometimes it gets to a point where everything kill me on the inside, I just asked myself, "Why did I choose this path at the first place?"

I questioned myself.

Where I know I shouldn't. 

Sigh.

But we human can never stop playing the what-ifs 

It's just in the nature.

I asked myself why didn't I take BEN at the first place at UIA wouldn't things be easier?

I mean it's the course that I like, it's English it's about writing what more could I ask?

But you know what?

I have answers for all that.

If I didn't take up this offer, I wouldn't be in Intec, I wouldn't be knowing such great, out-of-space classmates, great people, great silatmate, great organisations, great seniors, great experience that have taught me now, of being someone braver than I was before.

Exposing me to things I never imagined I can do

And besides,

Doesn't He put you on a certain place for a reason?

Indeed He is.

The Greatest Planner.

All I need now is more strength to pursue what I want.

What I dreamed of.

I can do this.

I can do A-level.

We all can.

Just have a little bit more faith.

So you can take a jump.

A leap of faith.

:)

Dreams.

You know what, when I was at the age of 12-13 I have developed this writing habit.

Before I even have a blog.

I write.

I write stories.

You know those times when we still use the big computer, yeah those times. I write stories, short one. Because my imagination just couldn't stop running wild.

And then my mom bought a laptop, the compaq which is heavy.

And I continued writing there. I wrote 2-3 stories, kind of like a novel. There were good, I still remember some of the stories at the back of my head, there were good stories. I'm not sure about the grammar maybe not as good as I am now, *which is not really good either* but I'd reckoned that it was quite awesome for a 12 to 13 years old to write 9-10 pages of full english written story.

That is me, a few years back.

Before I even have this blog.

An avid dreamer I might say, I was before this.

And now I still have a lot of stories going on inside my mind, you know sometimes I create a movie in just one night in my head, and my movie was awesome. *flips hair*

But the thing is now, I don't really write stories.

Which is sad, whenever I want to start writing stories I just figured that it wouldn't received any feedback. Or maybe I might get tired cause I have this tendency to get bored easily. What's even funnier is that now I have my own laptop and writing would be easy. Writing would be a piece of cake, with this technology and all.

But things just kept getting on the way. Or maybe it's just me, and my excuses.

Human, and our excuses huh?

Inseparable.

And so I decided to write again. Tonight.

After this.

When I have ideas.

I'll try to draft it out, and make sure that at least one of my stories, or ideas finished before the end of this sem break. I really hope I do. And I really hope I finished reading all of the books that I've bought.

For dreams ey?

For dreams it is.

P/s: I love that sensation you have when you write. I miss it and I hope I can feel it soon.

Unproductive?

Hai.

It's 1.17 a.m.

And I'm super bored.

Well.

When your second sem was so packed with activities and you barely have a breather.

So you can imagine how living a sem break will be.

Like really....

really...

boring....

Maybe because it's in my nature.

Nature of me being this little warm and fuzzy baby bear who love warmness.

I love circles of families.

Big families.

So maybe after all I might rethink of having just 3 kids in the future.

Maybe...

Okay.

So I've been in my second week of holiday break.

Nope no studying. Mostly eating sleeping reading books all the stuffs you do to get fat.

And I'm barely moving around I felt really really unproductive cause at least when I'm at akasia I have to walk down from the fifth level by stairs just to get food. That doesn't even add the amount of steps I have to take in order to eat. and I just hate rafi hahaha so no near places I would rather walk than waste my money on expensive mamak.

So yeah I feel fat and lonely, because my trio is not with me, and I feel... somewhat scared.

Of a little bit of everything.

Like how time is going to fast and how I'm not ready.

I have never been afraid of the future you see because I'm more to this present kinda person.

So I don't really pay attention to plan. I don't plan it's just in my nature that I don't like to plan.

I might contribute to a planning like an event or something but I simply never really plan my life.

I mean yeah there's this talk when people ask you what you wanna be in the future.

And you'll go and say, ooo I wanna be this, I wanna be that.

Yeah sure I do that too, like just talk.

But seriously, I never do anything to, you know.... try walk my talk.

So yeah. I'm here and I'm scared.

I'm here and I'm scared and still did nothing to contemplate that.

I noticed that I'm growing up.

But at the back at my head I'm still stuck.

I still thought that I was this 17 years old girl who are just finishing high school.

When I'm here and reaching 19.

I'm afraid of A-level.

I'm afraid of falling.

And failing.

I'm afraid of it all.

Yeah I'm afraid of the sudden changes of format in A-level.

Of me not paying attention.

Of the ridiculous subjects I have to endure.

That simply just not in my forte.

Of sudden decision of Intec: taking AS on january 2015.

Yeah I gotta admit I'm afraid.

I'm already so terrified now for what my second sem result is going to be.

Well yeah first sem was all rainbow and cookies.

But second sem was like just tsunami and it smack you right on the face.

But I don't hate this second sem altogether.
Never.

This second sem is pratically the best ever.

So yeah.

Yep. Idk what more to say.

See ya later xx

Redefining one self

Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

Wow.

It's been ages since my last writing. Literally not ages but still it felt like it. So here I am, on my bed at JB home sweet aspartame home, and I have to admit my bed at home is probably the most cosiest bed ever created cause I have no idea how sleepy I could get even when I already overslept, it's either a blessing or a curse. Either way, it's 12.22 a.m and here I am, going to rant on my blog. Cause I miss writing so much. I miss pouring my heart out in words.

The only social media that is not getting crowded is probably only my blog. I mean twitter itself have like a lot of people watching, and I got to be honest I'm not as free as I am before, you know the more people you know are watching so I gotta bite my tongue, or in this case hold my fingers as we are more to typing than talking, unless you say what you wanna tweet.

So it's official. my holiday a.k.a sem break has begun. Today is my fourth day at home. It's pretty fast cause I don;t really remember what I did for the past few days, mostly maybe because I did nothing basically. I'm pretty much confident that my weight is going up up and up I just hope it doesn't really goes that high up. And not 56. Hahahaha.

Okay. What I wanna talk today?

I wanna talk about me.

Wow, that is pretty random. Cause I seldomly talk about myself in my blog, I mean, that's more to bragging. But yeah I do talk about myself but it's more to like letting out my emotion rather than clarifying about me.

So yeah, I'm here to justify that I am not trying to brag.

I'm here to redefine myself.

I've been in Intec for 2 sem now. At the end of my sem break it'll mark my one year at Intec. The one place that I've never imagined I'd be into. But here I am... surviving intec for one year.

Before this, I mean before intec I was that awkward girl. Who barely talked to any guy, whom barely know social network, who had it hard just to say hi to a stranger, or ask a question. I learn how to communicate year by year, I was surrounded by girls and only girls for like.... most of my life. I was getting better at communicating, but mostly just with girls.

And then I got intec, and I got into silat and I was introduced to my psscpuh family and poof! I'm all good with guys.

I don't have problems talking to them, I have no problems talking to them directly with eye contact. I am not afraid of communicating with them, I became normal. In other words, I changed.

A LOT.

Yeah I changed a lot.

I'm not the girl before this that you knew, I changed heck really a lot.

Like how before this I told you I was ironlady because I have no serious feelings towards guys?

Or maybe past trauma with guys that made me as who I am right now...

That was before, where I claimed to be adamantium and what so not,I mean if  you guys knew me at that time, you guys would knew that I wasn't really acquainted with a lot of guys, so to really claimed myself to be ironlady is not supposed to be legit.

I mean I wasn't exposed to man.

I wasn't exposed to real flirting.

I wasn't exposed to anything precisely.

heck how can I call myself as adamantium or ironlady or whatnot.

I was nothing back then.

I know nothing man.

I was nothing.

Like a thin air, or like a vacuum.

But things changed, I mean I changed.

INTEC changed me.

I have changed into something that I don't even know myself. I've seen things that I never seen before.

I've experienced things I couldn't even imagined I would before. 

You know what's even funny. I have once imagined what it would feel like to interact with guys, on how to just being cool and relaxed, I mean guys I IMAGINED IT cause I thought it'll never happen. That me talking to guys or openly communicating with eye contact is normal, NO.... that's why I have to imagine it.

And now it happened, like in real life.

And I never thought that "love drama" would happen here in my life like right now but it did.

It did.

It freaking did. 

I don't even know why.

I mean if there's any way of me, hitting question to that certain people.

I would've ask why,

and yet I'm so afraid of the answers so I'd rather not.

So here I am going to redefine myself.

Before this I said about not talking to guys or whatnot.

Because I was afraid, or I believed that talking too much with one guy would lead to another.

But here I am going to clarify that THAT is not necessarily true, I mean heart are one wild beast, you would never know how it would react, so why bother. I mean my heart reacted fine. I'm still me, I'm still this girl who are not falling in love with any guy right now.

And still, I can be me, be nice, and be jovial without needing to distance myself.

I can take care of my heart.

As long as I know how to shield it, nothing could harm me.

I'm still that ironlady.

it's just that, I'm redefining ironlady to a whole new level.

I can still be nice to you. To anyone.

But that doesn't mean that you own me.

Or you can be nice to me, or to anyone,

And still that doesn't mean you own me.

Bottom line is, I'm still gonna be nice.

But my nice has its own limits.

That you will know yourself, when to step back.

I'm still caging my heart.

But now, I'm putting the cage to a whole new perspective.

Or maybe I'm just humanizing myself now.

And I hope that this change right now.

Will be just fine.

Amin :)

Moments

Because right now, 

my cash is moments.

Things that I look forward to the most in life.

Are not money, it's warmness of all the moments of happiness we've shared together.

With everyone that had managed to find it's own way into my life.

Or maybe perhaps you were shown the way to my life.

Or maybe afterall,

all this moments, and all of your existence is gift, from Him to me :)

From the ups and down of training for wajadiri.

Being at Sabah and having all the fun one could have.

knowing a lot of people,

having more family members in my life,

enjoying hardness and fatigue of handling a big event, and proving all others that they're wrong,

when they said that I am wasting too much of my time for my psscpuh family.

hanging out with my classmates,

actually mends our flaws in our relationship and tighten the bond together more.

FRIM, skytrex, kayak and all others.

To this moment.

Where I just realized that all of these moments of happiness, had passed.

And one day it will only be just a memory.

That all this had passed.

and only God knows if I can redo it again.

I appreciate moments so much. Before this I used to write each single moments into one post but now it just get overwhelming because, the moments I have now is too many. I don't have enough time to make it into perfect words.

So all I can do is just by creating simple blogpost. short and quick. so that eitherway I wouldn't forget, heck I couldn't even forget if I wanted to.

cause all this moments in life,

is what I've always look up to.

The way I always dream of.

So here, to billions more moments to be made, in our life :)

Sweet.

Hai everyone.

I am in a way, rough and yet at the same time have this feminine side of me.

I've been wanting a flower crown since the first time I see people in the movies wear it.

And I got one.

Yay :D

Saya habuk.

And I thank you :)

So basically I don't know what to blog anymore,

I seems to be running out of ideas and returning back to this slow pace of living kind of make me feel a little bit.... blurry.

But what I do know now is that, life, never fails to surprise me.

At least now, for my life right now is so full of surprises till one moment it's not a surprise anymore to me.

I've become immune with all this shocking events. I'm used to it.

In a way, I become stronger.

In a way, I become more knowledgeable.

In a way, I become more 'human' as possible.

So right now all I need is to turn back to my original path.

The path that was chosen for me by Him.

That the reason I'm here at Intec is to study.

And studying shall I do.

Studying on how to live.

And to survive,

rather than just living, 

living with theories that you don't apply.

And yet with all that I have to maintain my 15 points.

I can see the pattern of certain subjects going all bumpy and dizzy and just simply nonsense.

Or maybe I just hate everything,

oh no,

I mean 'dislike' every main subject I have to take here.

The only thing that I love is English

 and maybe psychology.

So here I am bearing things with an open mind.

Cause I know I can do this.

He won't put me here If I can't

So I have to believe Him, and believe me 

:)

So here's to a few weeks left till final.

May Allah Ease. 

Love.

Because somehow it feels wrong.

In a lot of way.

This is not me.

This is not me, usually.

Wait, it's not me.

It's the people around me that makes me feels somewhat wrong somewhere.

Oh dear lord,

The One that Love more than anything else.

Love me as I am now confused with your creation,

guide me.

And guide them.

Guide them to be this type of people who will love someone else because of You.

Simply because of You.

And help me.

To push away those people that love me not because of You.

Because my heart and my soul will be forever devoted for You and only You.

And help me.

To get through all of this.

Help me.

To handle all of this with care and gentle.

With kindness that you lend to us, in bits of atomic sizes.

With warmness that will light them up and not melt them down.

As I right now, is just being simply me.

And no other.

Clear their views on me.

And let them only see me as me.

And not for what they think I'm supposed to be.

:(

Sincerely,

your confused slave that longs for your attention more

than your creation.

few more days.

I'm counting days,

We're almost there.

Cuak tak cuak? Cuak gila kot. Aku tak rasa aku dah masuk mood crook. I can see the flow. But I'm still keeping something. Maybe sebab semua benda ni baru lagi. Aku bukan jenis open. Aku tak senang nak act. I need time, I have my own pace. Tapi tak bermaksud aku takkan bagi aku punya all out. Perhaps when the time comes, with the right pressure, I'll give you my all you've never been able to see before.

less than berapa hari je weh.

Hati aku dah melayang kat memana ni.

Seram sejuk.

Aku tak pernah pikir nak menang ke kalah. Aku cuma pikir apa aku buat ni tajdid niat dia lillahitaalah. Semua sebab Dia. Menang kalah tu adat. Yang aku tau aku nak bagi everything.

walaupun nampak everything aku sekarang still tak berapa nak everything lagi.

tapi percayalah aku tengah cuba.

Allahu,

permudahkanlah.

Big Wall of China

Assalamualaikum everyone.

Good Lord I'm tired.

I went back to JB yesterday morning, and now I'm here back at Shah Alam.

Yes.

I know.

It's tiring and unworthy but who the hell cares.

All I want is to meet my parents before I continue my journey to somewhere far.

Even if it's just Sabah.

Still, I'm crossing ocean people so please, don't judge.

So I managed to buy a few books while I'm at JB. Talk about being a time thieve. 

I bought five books and use overall rm150 of my book vouchers and no, no academic books at all.

Just me,

and beautifully written papers with colourful and astounding imaginations.

That's all that I would ever spend my money with.

CURRENTLY WITH ME.

I brought Peculiar children with me and left all others at home because I believe there will be no such thing as time to read them, as I don't even do my homework haha badass.

And I'm still happy for my new family of books. There are tonnes more I haven't finish reading yet, but nevermind. I'm still very very happy.

So back to main focus, I wanted to talk about my IELTS SPEAKING TEST.

It went well, sort of.

It just felt like I was meeting with a counsellor, more to say.

At first the examiner, Miss asma said that I was confident and look brightly happy.

But the moment I introduced myself, she said, I was putting up a wall.

Perhaps because I introduced her as me being a not really expressive person, and that I confide into my writing rather than human.

And that all it took for me to realize that maybe after all, 

I do have all these walls built high around me.

That I have this trust issues.

That I have this big walls of china beneath me.

I reckoned this problem a few years ago.

But still, the question now is.

What should I do about this walls?

Should I let it stay magnificently or do I break it down?

Miss Asma: "I believe after our speaking test that you might get hurt during your past, I can feel your emotions when you were speaking. I know that you put up this walls for some reason, and I believe people might find you mysterious and wanted to get to know you more, but honey, sometimes you gotta let them in. Let them see your beauty and get to know you."

One day. Maybe.

:)

A bent metal.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

So here I am today, on the early morning of 12.51 a.m, sitting in my room all alone as my roomate went to her friend's house and sleep there, to do their assignments. I just got back from my training, and found out that my swelling got worsen, I have extra bruise, in a humongous size ever on the same leg.

And suddenly life couldn't get any better :)

As I was growing up I thought I was being, in a way, very tough, like those missile proof kinda girl, the ones that admit that they're strong, and I believe that I am. For my entire existence, until today.

You won't believe on how strong and firm my faith in me, of being this very very strong, unaffected in any way, all-killing-machinery-proof and all. 

And yet now,

I cried most of the time when I met Him.

I don't even know why.

Tell you what, last night I cried infront of His House, during The Call. (As my training is infront of masjid negeri, near Tasik Shah Alam)

Why?

Because I feel weak.

The moment we stopped, or actually take a break from the training, I sit down, on the grass floor, enduring this horrible pain that keeps stabbing me in my mind, like this loud siren that keeps banging on the wall of my brains, telling me that it had enough. That I have to stop please, begging me to stop the pain, but my heart tells me no, as I do not perform well on my part. And as you know, we work as a team, If I do not do this whole heartedly, it will bring down the whole team that gave their all for this. This undeniable responsibility is what kept me going steady.

Still, steady in pain.

So the reason why I cried is because I just realized that I am just this one frail, little human being, that can get hurt, that I should 'feel' the hurt. In order to be human. That perhaps after all this pain, is the reminder that I am only His servant and never going to be more.

That maybe, during that time He was telling me that He was right there all along, calling me to go upon Him, and yet I left Him all alone :'(

He was there watching me, waiting for me, and yet I don't go to Him.

That He was there, as He watches me in despair, and like He was telling me that I am only this frail human being, that needs Him more than I need air.

That He is my everything.

and yet I chose this worldly matters against Him.

And the moment I realized that, on that second, when I was on top of pain and hurt, and frustration of unable to perform, sitting on the grass, 

and it blows hard on my face.

And I believed after that realization, that the pain doubles, more to my heart and my soul, rather to my knees.

I know that we need effort in order to be successful, but often we forget that the One that gives all this wealth and success and everything that happens to exist in this world.

We often forget to ask Him.

We often forget to tell Him that we need Him.

Because all along we had this big ego, saying that we are tough, when we are obviously not.

We forget, that we need to ask Him, to give us the energy, to keep going with our effort.

And now,

I believe that I am not strong.

That I'm never this so-called ironlady.

this is how my mind works before going to sleep I guess

That after all I'm just this bent metal.

A frail, and weak.

Of a human being.

And by admitting this,

I believe that I admit to be His servant.

That I admit, to fully submit,

To the One and Only :)

Tougher.

Assalamualaikum.

So, now is 1.00 am. Today is already Friday, the Holy Friday, the Blessed Friday. The beautiful Friday :)

So basically, why am I here, with my laptop on my lap, on my bed, in the dark as my roomate is sleeping soundly besides me,

I'm lost.

I'm floating.

I feel like I'm a vapour.

I feel like those clouds, fluffy yet undeniably fragile.

Well, actually I just cried a few minutes ago.

Like really cried, as in sobbing and sobbing and little hysterical tears but in silence as I do not want to wake my room mate.

so, what's the big deal with that?

Well it's a big deal to me as I RARELY CRY.

As in Rare in very rare like near extinction.

I do not have this symptom called homesick.

I do not have this tendency to feel weak or surrender when dealing with challenges in life.

I do not have this feeling of feminine side where I need to express my feelings with tears all the time.

NO

That is not me.

But one thing about me is, I love warm feelings.

I was brought up in the family of warm bears.

We warm each other up.

We light up each others life.

We become the main backbone for each other.

And when I'm here,

I feel lost as in cold,

I long for that warmness.

Or maybe after all I've been putting up my strong and tough mask for so long,

that now it started to crack.

Or maybe I'm just too tired.

With all the training.

And my body keep pushing myself to the limit where they can't take it,

like right now on how my legs weren't able to function clearly but still I tried my best to endure it and come to the training with my tough mask on.

Because I know nobody really cares.

It doesn't matter whoever it is that ask me on how I'm doing.

I know they don't really care.

Lol, even my best friends don't bother to ask me on how I'm doing.

The cruelty of life.

and here I am trying hard to fix everyone else, including me.

And perhaps.

Just perhaps,

All I need is your hug mama :'(

In finding ease within the hardship.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh.

Good morning everyone. 

Now is 9.31 a.m at my laptop screen clock, and you guys might  wonder why did I wake up so early, which is actually I woke up at 8. I don't even know why, maybe it's the biological clock, I've never been able to sleep till late morning nowadays, fixed and hectic schedule might change my biological clock. Perhaps.

So basically this sem, as I told you guys earlier will be really hectic for me, in a way that I would never imagined. Now I've seen the perks of it, it has started. I can see myself in a mess, portrayed at my home, in my room, at my study desk. Everywhere is a mess. I spend more time on the bed when I'm at home. Most of it is because I'm rarely at home.

As you guys know, I'm involved in Silat. A persatuan silat which in it's shortform is called PSSCPUH or we called it as pesecepuh. This little family circle is important to me, in a way they do bring some sort of meaning to me. I have never imagined myself to be one of the important part in this family, I always see myself as someone invisible that.. no one can see me. But in a way, they do see me, they caught me and now I'm immersed in this warm family. 

It's hard I might say, in a way of training and spending your time lavishly on basically hurting yourself. But it all depends on your strength. How do I perceive my strength? How do I convince myself that I am strong enough. How?

It's like a battlefield, of contradicting emotions and thoughts, the rivalry between the right things and the wrong ones.  And what's even funny, to be able to distinguish these both when the terms itself are very very subjective.

In one way, I might be weak.

In another way, I might be strong.

But it's not about being strong that I'm trying to define here.

It's about being me, in a strong way. 

That is what I want to seek for this whole sem.

I've only seen the beginning of my hecticness, I'm not sure, when it might rose up to super hectic and so on. But I'm trying to be strong here.

I'm tryig my best to fight for the temptations. I'm fighting with my inner demons.

This is how I'm trying to be strong.

And so within this hardship, I can see the ease.

Of which me becoming strong and stronger each day,

mentally or physically,

is one way of me, having the ease in my life.

TO THE LIFE,

FULL OF WONDERS.

xxx

crap

Have you ever felt incomplete. Like there's a hole unfilled inside of you and you're wondering all over, running your daily life, like an empty vessel, a pure lost container without it's soul.You just want to fill it with something.

And yet you don't even what suits for that something.

I feel empty, in a way.

It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like childhood.

It taste like adulthood.

That every steps that I take people are pushing me to do things that I wouldn't imagine been doing 5 years ago.

People are pushing me to do the right thing.

I am picking up my responsibilities

I am acknowledging me.

As a growing teenager = adult.

Which ain't all fun.

So in a way I feel empty. Because my fillings before this was fun, rebel, stirring in my own way by my own definition. Having fun almost all the time. I mean that's me. 

Even if some might say that my definition of having fun is not really they're definition of having fun but it's okay. I mean my fun will be my fun I don't care what you think.

What am I babbling about, I don't know.

Basically I'm nervous. With all of this, life here is so unpredictable that every single move that I take rains with hundreds of possibilities.

Ain't that nerve-wrecking?

Hated.

Hai everyone.

So basically I am procrastinating myself from doing things that I'm supposed to be doing, I promised starting next week I'll try to no procrastinate but I can't really promise so yes here I am making promises on a thin air.

tonight I want to ramble about the perks of love and hate.

This two contradicting thing that resembles a lot in a magnificent way.

When I was a little kid, right when I'm in a primary school, I think I was loved, and yet I was hated.

With the girls, I was loved so much till they fight with each other to be the closest one to me.

With the boys, I was basically hated as they bullied me, almost every

time they get the chance to see me.

And yet, most of my primary school days all I can remember is being hated and being bullied.

and so the power of love loses to the power of hate during my primary school days.

During those days, I am basically one of the most outstanding student. I was bright in my studies so teachers love me. But to the kids, I'm a bright one too, in a different way, as I'm dark skin and have this little squeaky voice, I have tiny eyes despite my skin. So yes, maybe I was too outstanding too the boys till they use all my prominent features to color my childhood memories with dull tainted colours.

I got called names for my features. Most of it are horrible ones. The ones that made me cried so much when I tried to sleep the night before the next day. Telling myself that I had to endure another day of school. Another day of boys calling me ugly.

I was hated.

Or so I think.

The bullying was quiet severe but not too much till I can't handle.

But the effect does linger till now.

Imagine being call ugly half of your life.

How can one try and convince herself that she's actually beautiful.

So back to my IELTS speaking practice.

I was given a question, "do you think you are a good looking person and why?"

That was a tricky one.

What's even annoying is that I've been asking myself that question my whole life and I dodge it everytime. Laying the question all alone, not answered, letting it echoed through the walls of my mine.

And during that day I have no options but to tell myself that I need to answer that.

So basically I answered it with my whole heart's content. I tell them that I think I am a good looking person. Because I need to appreciate myself to be happy. Cause if I don't no one else will.

I answered that truthfully.

But of course, I hid the flaws of my answer deep in my mind.

My real answer will be longer.

".... but on the contrary, I don't really view myself as much of that good looking like how society describe it. I think I'm good looking enough for me. But if I have to say, am I good looking for another person? I would say no. I'm pretty for me myself, but no, I don't think I'm pretty enough for someone else."

That would be my real answer.

So boys, think twice when you want to bully a girl.

The effect it have sometimes last longer than you thought it could have.

Because it still lingers around with me.

The word ugly still echoes in my mind.

freaking hot pretty beautiful nina